no baby so no fathers' day!!!

what?

yeah.

me and andy headed out to stare at a cup of my urine while we waited for the strip to turn pink. one line; not pregnant, right?


then where were my lady days for an additional week? i never thought that i would actually wish them upon myself. there was a lot of sitting on my ass and waiting and worrying and acquiring some Yaz.

what if i was pregnant? even if i doubted it with good reasoning severely.. am i ready to get fat, sacrifice my time and money or andy's time and money to raise some bad-ass little zebra-striped biracial baby?

well, i'm obviously not. and good thing, too. i have nothing to worry about! i have the Pill to take now. andy is gorgeous. my legs are all smooth. andy's parents are out of state for an entire week which gives me and him free reign over that big ole house... but i'm bleeding. i even blessed his thigh mid-nookie with the surprise of no babies. FAIL.

and i feel like shit. happy fathers' day to anyone! [not me and andy :)] ciao.

unemplyed and a little uninspired.

why, oh, why must the job market be SO suckish? i need to fund my eating habbit or learn to cook, like, yesterday. i want some new panties because i've been accidentally going commando due to me NOT doing laundry. i have to pay for school, necessities, blah, blah, blah. bitch, bitch, bitch!

i hate being an adult.

everything else is swell. i have a new LG Vu. my nails are hot pink. the weather is delicious. my boyfriend's brother is opening up his new night spot tomorrow night [if you're from my hometown, head out there for Jesse Robinson's Annual Birthday Bash]. "No Black, No White, Just Blues!" i'm gonna be there, wearing bells, or just taking pictures.

i need to catch up with reading and commenting. give me some time. give me some Tylenol.

ciao.

i've got fans and i'm a bitch [fixed and reposted]

okay! i've fixed the email form! go ahead and resubmit. same post, just spiffied up:

1. 4 return visits. 


2. i've got the IP addy
   


3. i can even kind of tell what area of town she stays in. 


4. referring link is that of one of my blogger friends. 


5. and this is NOT the first time that she's been so smart; look at my "advice" to her.
   

i feel really lame for being the target of a mindless internet grudge and i hate having to feel upset and angry! but some folks are just ape-shit crazy and don't know how to move on.

she's pregnant by my undeserving and sloppy leftovers, emailed me admitting to a sad and self-conscious struggle with trying to be "better" than me [poor girl, it will NEVER happen that way], and borrows folks' blogger friends, just like a mature mother, to fill her void of a life? looks like someone not only doesn't have a life but is trying to be a second-rate copy and live mine. it's a sad, sad thing when folks living in their own alternate realities can't see the truth, but it's entirely flattering! thank you, ladies and gentlemen.. i am thankful for every schizo fan..

i'm honestly never a bitch unless it is absolutely necessary. i'm tired of feeling like i'm throwing a mangy, stray cat away just for the thing to return because i fed it once! so to stop the feeding...

TP & PP is going "friends only" like my old LiveJournal days. here's to more candid posts and protecting your email addresses [and my ass] if you're interested! here's to me moving on and away again. here's to the world continuing to turn.

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the end and i feel fine [because it's BS]

i'm not allowing you to comment because i'm not around to comment lately. studying is taking over my life, although i made some time to get my hair untangled and clean. i'm at our Science majors' library waiting on my sexy Libran girlfriend to get here. isn't she adorable? i blame it all on her new lip piercing--and she pretty much bums me all of the Camels i want [most of the time]. gotta love Finals.
okay, i'm not dating her. Andy is still my only one. she's just one of the few women who aren't sickening to be around. gotta be because we're both of Venus. her middle name is my first name. she likes the same sorority i do. our birthdays are days apart. we love the same cigs [when we haven't quit]. she gets on my damned nerves.

and if anyone is scared about 2012, get over it: you will see the day ofter Doomsday. The Rapture won't happen because too many people are expecting it. the planet will stay in orbit. it has done so on every 12/21 since the beginning of Time. it has been made certain to me that this day will be nothing to worry about, but it will be weird!

i was pretty antsy about this at one time--i was one of those people in my teens scared off of my ass on the 2000 new year. i was expecting Jesus to break through the ceiling and take me away from the MTV countdown. it hasn't happened yet. it hasn't happened during any of the hundreds of other Doomsday prophecies. it won't happen 12/21/2012 [unless Palin is elected say some funny people].

lighten up. wish me luck on my exams. listen to old Sugar Ray singles. paint your toenails. paint my toenails. pay for prescription of BC. get ready for summer!

how else but through a broken heart may Lord Christ enter in?

i feel my depression taking a downward turn. i don't have motivation to blog or comment these days--sorry. not to mention, i've got a couple of exams to study for. i can't stay in a chipper mood all of the time! i need some space and time. i need my new book and tangible comfort. i need my family, my doctor, and my boyfriend [and maybe a new PS2 game]. hopefully Easter Break will be filled with this for me. it's about time for me to slow down and experience life. it's about time that somebody serenaded me and then did other stuff to me. i feel really awful, and i hate myself for getting like this. depression is a real issue and it should be managed. silly me for not taking care of myself! have a great week and i'll return all better very soon!

things i fucking hate thursday!

it's Thursday and i should be busy loving things, but i have a stronger urge to wax on some things that have earned my HATE.

1. attention whores, name-brand bitches, vapid sluts--MANY girls today
   
2. misogynists who disguise themselves behind religion and the absurd belief that such notions are "cool" and are too fucking stupid/disgusting to realize it--AND the women who aren't absolutely enraged by it
   
3. women who play dumb/weak/the victim just because they are women--act like you deserve respect and you might just get some! c'mon, ladies.. we've come a long way, baby!
4. mornings and having to be up early. it's unnatural!
   
5. emulation to the point of suffering an identity complex
6. folks so painfully unaware of their personality disorder[s] that they put others in an equal pain
7. insomnia. heh. maybe i should cry in between Bob's sweating bitch tits that hang enormous the way you think of God's as big..
8. ignorant Southern Baptists giving everyone the "amen enema" while evading some truths [like the two Creation stories and the racists and the sexists] like a clam and actually causing more atheism. good job. really.
9. FX not returning with Rescue Me and Sons of Anarchy soon enough!
10. having dreams in which i know that i'm dreaming and overworking my brain wake myself up unconsciously until it transfers over into a physical sense! weird!
    

i'm done. i'm blaming it on my sinuses. the weather is changing too fast too often and i can't get well. so, what would a similar list of yours have?

musics!

look at my boy man! this is him on the fiddle, or violin, or whatever you decide to call it. you should hear him play blues bass guitar or sing!.. swoon. he's my celebrity. established and NOT high. oh and the shit actually sounds good. [that was an immature low blow, but i'm done now. sorry, i can't help it. i don't feel good; my stomach is sick.] and commenting is turned off because i'm just bragging about being the luckiest girl! i apologize. i'll find something substantial to post with when i'm not about to leave for my study group.

ciao!

edited later this day @ 7:43 PM

i ripped a survey!

everyone else is doing has done it. seriously. my turn!

1. Choose a band / artist and answer ONLY in titles of their songs:
Placebo

2. Are you male or female:
Lady of the Flowers

3. Describe yourself:
Slackerbitch

4. How do some people feel about you:
Meds

5. How do you feel about yourself:
Where Is My Mind

6. Describe your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend:
Hang On To Your I.Q.

7. Describe your imaginary boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse:
Without You I'm Nothing

8. Describe where you want to be:
Peeping Tom


9. Describe how you live:
Follow The Cops Back Home


10. Describe how you love:
UNEEDMEMORETHANINEEDU


11. What would you ask for if you had just one wish:
The Crawl


12. Share a few words of Wisdom:
Follow The Cops Back Home


13. Now say goodbye:
Bitter End

who's left? it's your turn now. ciao!

i want to slit my wrists!

nah, i'm being dramatic. i'm actually okay-- just a little tired and starving. i'm back after a week full of lose: i've been literally studying biology more often than sleeping, which takes a lot of effort for someone wh:o is as fatigue-prone as i am. "of course i'm good in bed; i can sleep for days!" haha.. but seriously, my chemistry professor is Satan. he went into a crazy tirade around the lecture hall pointing to random objects and associating them with obscure material: "This is made of blah blah blah! And this is made of something else that you can't even pronounce! Exam on Tuesday!"

i'm getting sick, but i wear so much makeup that it's undetectable until i sneeze three times in a row. i'm on a diet and my tummy looks nice. i've got some resistance bands hanging over the door just waiting to be used in my pilates routine. there's actually motivation to use them now that i've been over to visit Blair's blog. 

nothing terribly exciting is going on. i'm pumped about getting a place soon with one of my besties, T. it will be the two of us and then another girl. heh--hope it doesn't turn into an Audrina v. LC and Lo situation. yeah, i watched The Hills. so?..  :)

*sneeze*

oh, red lipstick mimics confidence apparently. i've been wearing it and a [beautiful Clark Kent-looking] guy that i haven't talked to in a while was mesmerized by my mouth. he's very conservative and doesn't do much flirting,  so i personally pulled a few tricks just for practice. later online, he told me that he really liked my perfume. how's that for not flirting? exciting! 

Twilight is tomorrow! i want to see it!

comfortable here.

i'm so... COMFY now; comfy to the point of unfamiliarity here in my depeche mode, "hurry up and get into the university groove again" phase. and i know, it's a weird statement, and an even weirder place to be, trust me. it's indeed a challenge to wrap my mind around, to conceptualize. i've got an inkling of an idea of what i mean, so it transcends idea into a place of being. it exists; it's fact. i just can't make it materialize into coherence! a challenge that i'm going to run with just now.

i have all of my text books, which may not register as an issue to persons not in university. i'll explain. i'm taking some real "big girl" courses and there is absolutely NO public funding for me to pay $150 [at least] per medical text, per lab manual, per PDR, per whatever! and thank goodness i haven't gone through any REAL struggle when it came to going about paying several hundreds of dollars for these big scary books. hell, some students have to get jobs. i've been prettily sitting on my ass and being a good person because i'm blessed enough to not have to struggle for my education! yay for that! and now that i have all of this heavy study material [and am so glad about it], i have absolutely no choice but to "hit the books" and study my grateful ass of for my exams and such. i've got materials AND motivation.

i should really take the camera tomorrow and do a photo tour of my life. shots of my apartment, spots around the campus, my hangouts in the town, etc. it's so great: domestically, my life is well situated and well decorated. the apartment is so cute and full of exactly what i need. socially, my life is in similar form. there is an almost visible radius of youthful fabulousness wafting around in my daily life. i'm actually becoming friends with more and more ladies. gee, it's nice to be around people who aren't [too] crazy and have some sort of grip on their lives! ladies who can fill their time with all of the crazy fun i adore while we all keep an adult hold on the situation. Upscale bars and ska shows, anyone? and the gentlemen are great. i've got the set of chill fellows i hang out with for the movie theatre and for dinner, and a lot more still who would make such a good son-in-law for my momma. and don't even get me started on the guy who looks like Heath Ledger from the 10 Things movie!.. but i'm still single right now. yep yep yep. maybe not for much longer; it's all up to me. but, enough of that; only boring girls can only spend their time talking about boys!

but back to me being comfy. i'm just SO content.. i'm not wanting anything. no materials, no people--i'm just great. and i'm not saying that i'm a minimalist. i need way more than two glasses in my cabinet, thankyouverymuch. i'm not a fan of living like a bum only very recently removed from his cardboard box into a real property. it's just that i am in possession ALL of my necessities and then even more great stuff! woo! i'm so content, i repeat. all of my and my family's hard work is paying off--and not just for me. the folks back home are prospering, too. [:D]

i have seriously just dedicated a post to waxing [squeeing] about how great my life is right now. sorry.

nah, not really!

holiday hurricane.

my geek flag has been flying high these days. i've whored out my bank account at the comic shop just like it's been wanting. bought The Killing Joke Deluxe Edition. it'll do for now until i can get my hands on an earlier printing from my birth year [!] . those things can get up to be hundreds of dollars, i think.



that's me holding and showing Joker some love, which im sure he just adores.



you know what they say about guys and big noses. Mistah J? i want.



oh, yeah. i've put some color in my head. after all of the hints towards finally changing it up a bit, i have a lighter thing going on. i perceive it as a kind of red blond color:

and as we all now, this past weekend was a special one because it was indeed a holiday weekend AND a hurricane weekend, also. i'm assuming N.O.'s hurricane evacuation routes lead drivers straight to my hometown because the city was filled with strangers. there were strange accents, faces, and weird buying behavior. i promise: folks were buying cases of water and toilet tissue AND cases of Coors Light. hmm. i have some photos snapped of the lunacy [fun] and i'll prolly post a pic or two later. i'm not polite and i don't blur faces or hide ugly candids. not that i purposefully try to go after things like that, though.

reality in the city.

im watching SATC and admiring my long, dark vamp nails the color of oxygen-exposed blood. im siding with Carrie and acknowledging my blank punctuation. i'd love to do some raunchy blogging about something in a way that is full of energy and enjoyment for both me and you. buuuuut, guess who hasn't been having any amount of sex in either my home city or this college city. that's all me.

and it doesn't go to say that it's a bad thing. again, my blank, absent punctuation makes me giggle. i fucking need space to make this emotional phase in a complete and harmless way. can't take any harm right now. but any relocation to any phase doesn't erase whether or not loneliness is there. i guess i could make myself feel not alone, which isn't hard to do. it's all relative and deeply mental, as cliché as it is. no problem. i can do this all day long, everyday like nobody's business. done. but, why does it always seem like there is room for such thoughts and conclusions in my brain if the matter isn't even a true problem? if it isn't a problem, hell it's a state of normalcy for PLENTY of people, am i right? so why does my thought pattern deem my singleness as pressing enough to interrupt other thoughts that make more sense, such as nicotine addiction, the PDR, French idioms i should familiarize myself with, God, MY own divinity?

see? it's an unbalanced equation and i don't know what's doing the unbalancing. i fucking hate women on the race to the altar. i hate women who lose themselves in their husbands for whatever reason. i question taking a man's last name for my own, i hate the confines of sexuality and the whole concept of normalcy when it comes to relationships and how disappointing it is when all of our ideals are shot to hell and all there is to do is keep trudging along. it's too often that women are victims and too seldom that there are real answers or attempts at solutions. there AREN'T any. look at the dissolution of celebrity families even considering all of their money and resources. look at how you deny God and transcend and literally fight the existence. the lines are constantly being blurred; who's to say what is sin or growth? who is to say what is right or wrong or even how to fucking go about doing either?

everyone is full of shit, and what we say and especially what we do is full of shit.

random photo blogging!

this is an image of the extensions that i am having installed in my head:
see the cute little bang piece? in reality, the tracks are only a nine-dollar synthetic kind, but they're gorgeous and shiny. lots of subtle body to save me time managing my do!

this is me eating out/stuffing my face and looking completely caught off-guard.
i hate how natural light tends to diminish the drama of my look. i can look loads more vamp and interesting.

compare this sweetness to this va-voom vampness aided with some hair extensions:
and this little hat i saw at Wal-Mart today is simply love, okay?

i txted it to my girl friend and she queefed herself in delight. it's my crew's fave beer!

i have an ego, but still no cash.

i'm envisioning some wavy hair extensions. i'm not talking about a full head of sewn-in tracks here, like i sported on campus the whole time last academic year. i'm more interested in exposing my real hair, which is really long now due to the extreme weaving, and i just wanna enhance the back with some texture that i don't have to manage with a curling iron everday. i'm talking a pack of eight-dollar plastic hair and maybe two tracks worth of enhancing. i just don't wanna disappoint a certain someone who is used to seeing me in a full wig in pictures. damnit me for the glitter-glam keep up!

i've just re-discovered how much my ego eats it up when someone calls me "dollface." men and women alike have called me this before and i swear that it's like a new orgasm every time it passes someone's lips to my ears.

in other news, i'm broke-as-fuck, but i still have this annoying desire to go accessories shopping. i want a new oversize bag that can do for books and whatever college life throws at me. cool prints and sophisticated style are a plus. nothing expensive in mind. actually Wal-Mart has been good about furnishing my tastes and leaving a purpose for my wallet. there are these adorable little scarf head bands there...

i made a pink little link button. it's in the menu to the left under "TPPP" heading, appropriately. take it and plug me if you love me or hate me. just don't direct link and be aware that i have occasionally changed domain names in the past. "cherry" has been a presence on the web since before Movable Type was news, so she's not going anywhere too far for a long time and you love it. wonder if i should give kareah a heads up? she's prolly already had a look here. i can almost guarantee it, actually. it would just make sense to do a link exchange with her. or anyone. i'm looking to build my blogroll! any interested folks lemme know!

sigh, i'll be back to mis-managing my life on my own out-of-state soon. but hopefully, i'll have a special friend who makes passing time a little more interesting, if not pleasant like junior high crushes and rolling around in the carpet with older boys wearing spicy cologne. pleasant like teaching yourself how to smoke for the one night when you're so drunk that you absolutely NEED about three cigarettes to tilt your mind into a levelness. pleasant like losing your virginity and no one dying from it.

i promise that i had a purpose before i started typing. i just promise. but it evades me now for some reason.

oh, that's it.

but i'm not gonna combine something completely abstract and spiritual with random references to orgasms and trendy, oversize bags. i hope i don't forget to post about that because spiritually profound moments have been happening with a frequency very recently. i can't recall this from any other time.

"larry" txted my phone, or at least someone who had his phone at the moment txted me with "How u been?" when i tried to call back, though, i got some suspicious and lame-ass sounding excuse / lie about the phone being wet and that a txt would be the only way to communicate. i was disgusted by this point and had even forgot what i was going to say, so i very lamely told "larry" to go on with his life like i was doing and that i don't know why his number wasn't blocked from contacting me. whatever, dudes. it is written.

i know that this is the third reference to my hair in a few posts, but i'm going to take some vanity shots of myself with my new do when it's completed for entertainment purposes. haha, and hopefully some silly shots of around-campus lounging are coming more-than-likely while classes aren't difficult to the point of tears. "i don't wanna grow up," says the girl who is already quickly passing the acquired medical knowledge of her mother and aunt combined who are nurses in her home state. i'm still a kid, but i'll be wearing scrubs soon. i'm a child, but i know how to do a bacterial transformation and anatomical jargon is second nature to me.

anyways. i've updated my fiction blog and transferred it all to a more secure server. it's coming nicely. i surprise myself when i review what comes out of my mind at any time. it's all so personal and i can even make it art. i can even make it beautiful.

stoned.

i am soooooo doped up now on prescriptions till it's not even funny. it's pleasant as hell and gives me the "oomph" to crawl out of the figurative fetal position that i'm often in and actually do something with my gift of involuntary respiration and voluntary will to be productive. that said, i am blogging and daydreaming about an ideal life.

before the meds today, i had to courage to finally confront a friend about some feelings of betrayal on my part. i'm not [too] crazy and i don't make things up, so i have a justification for my emotions and i'm brave enough to confront the source of my misery. turns out beside my tendency to be overly dramatic, the friend has a tendency to be clueless. nevertheless, i have to look out for myself here in this life. if it takes acknowledging a change in relationship and respecting that people operate independently of my best interest and always will [even if that person was a bestie] then i just have to step into the big-girl panties and do that. if i even have to cut ties with several people to ensure my own wellness and happiness, then i'l gladly do it because i'm only responsible for myself and making myself comfortable. doing the right thing is exhausting.

and boring to blog about.

i'm going to die my hair, i promise. i'm thinking a dark brown. somethign simillar to what the natural color of my hair probably is. haven't seen it in years.

aww, my juju's online♥

stooooooonedd. stoned. stoned. excellent, i must say.

this has been another completely random and nonsensical indulgence of mine. you love it. peace out.

booyah, bitches.

deary, deary me. i've become a hopeless fan not of Ledger!Joker but of black coffee of late. i'm trying to catch up to the euphoria of my mother on her opiates. i'm speeding on the way to nowhere safe really quickly as i puff at a Marlboro Light every now and then. i hid the pack from myself in a bag of useless kitty litter. i don't like that i even know how to smoke, let alone have detectable desire to do such

yuck. i'm gonna stop it. well how about this? once i grow the fuck up and start making some productive big-girl decisions that don't equal up to health concerns in my life, i'll then reconsider whether or not i want to be a smoker.

i should be smoke-free for a loooong time, dontcha think?

hmmm. i'm still feeling a bit spunky despite the overbearing number of reasons that could easily force me into a more contrary humor. must be all of the black coffee, no sugar, no creme. and what am i going to do with this spunkiness? i ask myself, and i am mentally imagining another being asking me also, so i'll go ahead and answer that question--all sorts of shit.

i'm gonna help out T and her overdrmamtic approach to a pathetic-ass situation dillema. i'm going to style my hair and maybe dye it a little lighter. be on the lookout for light brown tinted beehives and lotsa eyeliner to match. i'm gonna whittle down my waist. i'm eva's height, and now i'm going to be even her impossible weight. i don't have far [if anywhere] to go. i'm gonna be fucking fabulous and there is nothing you can do about it.

Pansexuality.

ohmygosh. well, during my lurking over at LJ's joker x harley community, i noticed that one of the contributors throws a term around that i'm unfamiliar with. pansexuality is what she uses to describe herself and, if i'm not mistaken [and i might be], The Joker.

so what is this pansexuality? i searched for the wiki and it is linked in the entry below. i read it and was filled with delight [seriously]. there is a name for it!

i mean, i have NEVER called myself a bisexual, because it doesn't fit. i am not a bisexual girl. i embrace the fact that sex is anatomical and gender is as relative as the number of people who chose or chose not to be boxed in by it. that is to say, there are more than two genders because the two sexes are so old and so boring...

and i side with pansexuality/omnisexuality because it just makes sense. fuck tila tequila! the world is filled with more than just guys and dolls, and i can just as easily have romantic inclinations to an anatomical male as i would to an anatomical male who wears heels higher than mine.

but we all knew this and it is not new. but the vocabulary is to me! so yay! Pansexuality!

there's a name for it!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pansexuality

being black, chic, and a chemistry student.

i'm really hung over from cough suppressant. i just HAD to get to sleep last night before 2AM. my body has been so exhausted and i'll be damned if i let myself fail at my duties because of stuff that doesn't matter.

been having so much enlightened fun surfing some very noteworthy blogs by other black women with fun titles, like Black Girls Rock It! and such. i never claimed to pioneer the whole interracial thing, it's SO refreshing to see other women make sense out of it. i mean, it's 2008 and black guys are still black guys and you won't know the joy of other guys until you try them. yummy, yummy Korean undergrads.

anyways. i haven't let go of my Chemistry book in weeks and it's not fun. my life is definitely not getting any easier, but do you know what IS changing? what's evolving is how i tackle it and i'm so happy to say today that i've been doing it for so long now with success and i haven't been down for too long YET.

i still need to do some document uploading and scanning. i love getting things done--things that i want to get done.

the uncanny horoscope.

i just ventured to this old favorite site of mine. it's literally been years since i've even checked for any updates from it. i've always had fun there: getting i-ching readings, having some tarot reading performed by the computer, and of course, reading my horoscope. well, i got bored in my online adventures and i just looked up today's horoscope for Libra and it really makes me wonder how some people can say that horoscopes are all lies all of the time. sure, they're genral; but, can the whole idea of the horoscope be false? it must have some origin and some raison d'etre..

"Wednesday, Jun 11th, 2008 -- You may have to contend with your own mood swings today as the Moon returns to your sign. But your feelings are feeding into a whole system of logic that you use to explain your behavior. Unfortunately, analyzing your emotions and reporting your findings to others is a waste of good energy now. Instead of engaging in endless discussions about the same old thing, sit back and watch how your mind jumps through hoops to justify what you do."

haha. good job, Tarot.com. it's not a lie in that it doesn't say that i am having a peachy keen time and that i have all of the luck in the world--because i am not and i do not. i'll even say that it's accurate in identifying my mood. hmm.. i really don't know where i side in the whole disproving the tarot and horoscope debate. i just don't know. i do know that i'll be following it's advice. sounds pleasant and rewarding to me and good advice can't hurt especially when i don't have a lot of it coming from any source these days.