a cold shower.

after that what happened with larry happened, i realized that i was being extraordinarily stupid. people have told me over and over again, but we really do SUCK together! it took me this long to realize it, which just proves my stupidity further. dumbass monkey-looking boy. how could i do that antonio? the flesh really sucks, almost as much as the heart does. a lot of good love has ever done for me; i will censor my mouth of that four letter word for a long, long, long time! even if antonio does think that he owns me and is psycho [and might possibly beat me], he loves me!

larry called last night. our conversation went along the lines of:
me: i need to think about my being incredibly stupid, and i need to think about my boyfriend. while i'm doing all of this thinking, don't call me. you fathom us friends and all; i should call you just as much as you call [haunt] me.
larry: cheniece... will it be soon?
me: i really don't know; maybe i will call you, maybe i won't...
larry: is that right?
me: yes. the next time we talk will be because i called you, if i ever do, okay?
larry: ...alright. bye.
me: ::click:: [not me, the phone]

later he txted me: "Can we still txt?"
i didn't feel like wasting ten cents on what silence can answer.

wooooo! i've had a cold shower-of-sorts! xtina, you need an actual one... by the way, i've just seen your new layout in a compatible browser, and that header image style looks mightily familiar... i'm going to change mine, also, with a similar theme because i'm so happy--like you! too bad i don't photograph as gorgeously as you do...

not quite sex and candy.

i want to have sex, badly. i am worse than any male when it comes to daydreaming about sex during the day. i've already made a proposal to one of my guy friends that the next time we see each other, i am going to screw his brains out. it's a promise, and i can't go back on it (not that i would ever want to).

damnit! ring, telephone!

a nice girl: hope you "have a fantastic day" 2morrow lol
rouge_rhapsody: lol
rouge_rhapsody: you too.

a sign that our administrators have fed us too much crap. i cannot stop laughing; that is, of course, only until i start to think about sex.

mawkish.

cloyed with opium; wanna vomit.

antonio (4/26/2005 5:11:22 AM): The phone is off I will miss the sound of your sweet voice I will have it back on ASAP


antonio (4/26/2005 5:06:47 AM): I am sorry about earlier baby. I just wanted to let you know how I felt but I did not know whether I should let you know or not but I am falling deeply in love with you. I want to treat you like you have never been treated before. I was just afraid to let you know because of what you may say or how you may respond you are my heart, maybe one day I can be yours. much love ~antonio~

silver lining.

here is what i was going to post yesterday. i din't quite finish, but that is okay [saved as gatsby.txt].

i've just finished having an hour-long discussion with my mother. largely, what we talked about [paraphrased and dripping in my famous sarcasm and bitterness] was how it is a fact that love can really suck. i hate love right now. while i wait by the phone like the pathetic, sad little girl that i am on the inside for larry to call [only to get hurt when he doesn't], larry doesn't put his life on hold for me. he goes for days without calling, and when he does, he often lies with an 'i'll call you back,' because someone else [maybe even a girl] wants to talk to him, too.

it's quite fucked up [pardon my french], but no matter how deeply, truly, and with what fervent madness you love someone, you cannot make them love you back. two years of my life are gone due to a failed battle with this little lesson. i'm really disappointed in myself for it all, but then again, i'm not knotted up inside my belly and crying blood [figuratively] every night. i'm actually quite proud of myself for getting through this malady with a level head, no matter how dark my outlook is. it is quite a feat, if you don't know!

well, i'm not looking back anymore. i will not say how sad all of this is, or how much time i have wasted, or how many tears i have cried, or how much simpler and easier on my heart it would have been if the damned boy had been in love with me. i don't get religious often, and reading A Prayer for Owen Meany doesn't help...


don't you just wish i could have just finished it last night?! well, all of that has flown from me. to exist up to the title, here is the real silver lining.

BC : i hate brierly
rouge_rhapsody: you must die now.
rouge_rhapsody: brierly for president!
BC : i think you are the black brierly
BC : mini her in a different flesh
rouge_rhapsody: lol
rouge_rhapsody: YAY!

times like these that make me love life sans any boy. i din't think it was possible!

breaking up and hooking up [only if i want to]!

"U cold hearted butt munchin turkey!!!!!!!!!.........I hope he knows u'r using him to get at me!!"--a recent text that i received from an obvious someone, not Antonio.
delicious, and a lie--which is all the more delicious. Antonio.

JP and i aren't talking, which rather sucks because [quite evidently] i adored her. now, she is among the multitudes of people whom i could care nothing for. breaking up is so easy to do with women! Antonio.

Christina's hair is not braided, but it is now a bright, orange colour. now i can more literally refer to her as the blonde that she is! Antonio.

i have too much schoolwork, and my hair is falling out from stress! Antonio. my face has erupted and i am gaining weight! Antonio.

this has been a little joke on Xtina. if you don't want to read anything else about him; don't read further!
****************
he's so great! i am a complete giddy, little girl. we talk for hours and he makes me laugh--which i am so thankful for during these times. he's gorgeous, too. he's not gay, as someone thinks. he's just really, really pretty. leave it to me to have a boyfriend who has more glorious hair than i do!
and while thinking of that, i called him my boyfriend for the first time today [to him]. i didn't mean to; it just escaped. he was elated. i am trying to not get too serious too fast with him [who would do that after going through that what i have?], but he's making it extremely hard.

sex with larry.

just a possibility.

Sexual Position Therapy by serpiente
Username
Partner
Sexual position
Times to week	28
Satisfaction level: 44%
Date ended	December 9, 2056
Quiz created with MemeGen!

fairytales and things--waxed.

this is to take the place of several shorter journal entries of mine that all have to do with the same subject.

yes, i have met a new boy, and he is great. he's gorgeous, inside and out.

ME: i'm downloading YIM
ME: cuz i met a new boy who has it
ME: he is BEYOND fine.
ME: look at (the boy whose name i gave to you at lunch, Xtina) @ BP
BC: ok...hold on just a sec

later:

BC: good God of mine!!!
ME: !!!

and me with him:

ME: people are in love with me or they hate me.
ANTONIO: Well i want to love you
ANTONIO: I really do
ME: don't say that.
ANTONIO: And I think i can.

so, i'm elated. i have every reason to be.

i am not one to put guys before my friends, though. xtina, it may seem like i was ditzy bitch, or whatever, but really now. i honestly would rather have you around me than any guy [and not because i like girls--i hate them], so why would i put anything with antonio before you? i just met the boy, but i actually know and am friends with you. i know you'll come around, and still, i apologize for anything that i have done. love your new layout, by the way.