kill her, fuck him.

i'm going to kill Cortnee, my fake girlfriend. i don't even get to sleep with her and she gets to attempt to ruin my life: i exported to wordpress after all of her boasting, got overwhelmed and didn't like it, AND exported back to blogger at the cost of all of my formatting and comment authors... i'll kill that girl. the next day [yesterday], i solved the whole friends-only thing AND retrieved: all of my old posts [even ones from my old LJ], original formatting, and original comment authors with a lucky chance export. i love it!

so now i'm here at this lovely space with all of my entries and comments. all friends-only and protected.

good thing too, because i caved in my bet two nights ago! i screwed my boyfriend like i wanted to give myself back trauma. it was great. i'm so weak, but he ain't complaining. woke up the next morning and took some tylenol! and i feel bad for even entertaining this, but how does one evade that "sore feeling?" i'm not a virgin and i've had my fair share of sex partners [12 or so--and don't judge me you prude hookers!]. so then why do my girly parts ache after intercourse? i don't know. whoever says rude things about pale-skinned guys and their size is full of shit!

okay i'm done being inappropriate. for today. i'll ignore the wet dream i had about a woman two nights ago. i'm getting in the shower for a day with my boy and thinking about all of his sexy parts.

does anybody else have a tragic attraction to a part of the human anatomy? i'm not the only undersexed woman with an active mind. shoulders? v-muscle? hips? all of the above and then some?

ciao, mes cheres!

so tickled pink and just tickled!

• i'm getting all of the "inseparable" moments i want with my boyfriend. i go to most of his performances. his family adores me. i almost killed his sister and cousin on the way out to a blues club. the family babies all play with me and make me polish their toenails and read books to them [i should start charging]. 


• my parents are bitching me out like they used to do when i lived here. i managed to call my little brother an "asshole" at the top of my lungs  before breakfast today. my accent is back. i'm re-learning directions and learning new ones that i should have always had in the back of my head.


• there are little bad-ass kittens to raise. Sons of Anarchy returns soon. my period is over... i could explode with bliss.


• and me and Andy are on a bet / game in which we abstain from sex [and i'm talking any type of nookie] for an entire week. four more days to go. i feel like that Ramones song: "24 hours to go, I wanna be sedated..." the man was in such a foul mood yesterday... wonder why. haha!! i love it when he can barely keep his hands off of me hunts me down on the bed [or floor or car backseat or against the side of the house] out of unchecked lust. the longer our "fast" lasts, the more intense things will be when it's over. YES! i hope that i survive any encounter after these next four days. i'll check back in ;)
  

suffering's meaning and direction.

i've been thinking a lot--about mortality. about my mortality, about suffering, life, and meaning.

the meaning of life is relative to each person blessed enough to breathing right now. it's a duty of mine to fill each day of my life with some sort of significance, but sometimes all of my efforts get lost in the chaos of the universe while i'm fighting it: finals, money, my depression, my libran inability to make decisions... it all conflicts with productivity. i literally won't even be able to see straight and i feel like shit; i feel like i'm worth shit.

at moments like that, my direction and motivation are gone. i feel worthless and hopeless [yeah, i'm a bit of a drama queen. i'd like to thank the Academy.] at even darker hours when my threshold for suffering is being tested, i want to give up completely.

here's a mental note to myself.

"a meaning to life is realative to different people because life itself is relative; it lends itself to circumstance, position, etc. the only thing that living people have in common with each other is that we all are alive.. no one is responsible for your life--from your birth to the day that dirt is thrown in your face, you are your own person. people with terminal illnesses have life. people living in poverty have life. severely depressed people all have life and it's theirs! and if they're insightful enough, they don't give up. they go to school, they wake up each day, they drink coffee and brush their hair in efforts of doing something with the life that they have despite its particular circumstances. stop being a damned baby and be fabulous in your position."

 okay, i've snapped out of it. and when my cramps are gone, i'll actually get off of my ass!
----------------------------------
ALSO, my blog is going private / friends-only soon because i have a few annoying and juvenile no-lives buzzing in my ear. if you're interested in continuing a blog circle with me and reading my future protected posts about a lot more candid material [i'm not a virgin--who would have guessed?!], use the form in the previous post. it's there to protect your email address; only i'll see it.

ciao, mes cheres.

i've got fans and i'm a bitch [fixed and reposted]

okay! i've fixed the email form! go ahead and resubmit. same post, just spiffied up:

1. 4 return visits. 


2. i've got the IP addy
   


3. i can even kind of tell what area of town she stays in. 


4. referring link is that of one of my blogger friends. 


5. and this is NOT the first time that she's been so smart; look at my "advice" to her.
   

i feel really lame for being the target of a mindless internet grudge and i hate having to feel upset and angry! but some folks are just ape-shit crazy and don't know how to move on.

she's pregnant by my undeserving and sloppy leftovers, emailed me admitting to a sad and self-conscious struggle with trying to be "better" than me [poor girl, it will NEVER happen that way], and borrows folks' blogger friends, just like a mature mother, to fill her void of a life? looks like someone not only doesn't have a life but is trying to be a second-rate copy and live mine. it's a sad, sad thing when folks living in their own alternate realities can't see the truth, but it's entirely flattering! thank you, ladies and gentlemen.. i am thankful for every schizo fan..

i'm honestly never a bitch unless it is absolutely necessary. i'm tired of feeling like i'm throwing a mangy, stray cat away just for the thing to return because i fed it once! so to stop the feeding...

TP & PP is going "friends only" like my old LiveJournal days. here's to more candid posts and protecting your email addresses [and my ass] if you're interested! here's to me moving on and away again. here's to the world continuing to turn.

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start of summer 09

somebody had to do it!
i'm home and everybody wants it to be FOR GOOD. and it feels good right now, so maybe i'll stay. lot's of exciting things happening at home. my boyfriend's older brother bought some property in a historic district downtown and he's turning it into a bar / hangout spot. i'm excited! it'll be an easy, comfortable way for me [and any of my buddies] to get involved in the night life with no gunshots and no "one-race-only" atomosphere.

also, i'm really excited about: raising five kittens, being with my little cousins, eating breakfast for the first time EVER, thrifting, buying video games, being with Andy and remembering how exactly in love with him i am.

woah! a Trojan Condoms commercial just played.. "ride out these tough times together," America? that's some thick innuendo! using protection should not be too hard to stay on top of!

things i'm going to do this summer

• buy a MacBook


• watch the new Wolverine movie and convince folks that it was Andy's idea


• hang out at Frank Jones' Corner


• maybe move home and get a place?!!


• purchase and read a book for leisure


• get a job that doesn't involve me digging up old, orange booty shorts of mine
  

things i've done so far

• make friends with ladies in the wig shop


• have a dog kiss me in the mouth


• gotten a prescription for BC


• add on to my personal literary projects


• eat way too much Subway


• fought with both of my little brothers in one day [actually in five minutes]
  

hope everyone gave each and every woman in his or her life who has ever been pregnant the BIGGEST kiss ever on sunday. haven't blogged in forever, but now i feel like i should do it even less often and expand my life some more. i'm going to live my life and leave you wishing that you could live it too!

everyone should do this! be a busy, cocky asshole. i've done it before and free time shouldn't get in the way of it.

quotes [and happy summer]!

i'm not going to have time to really, formally blog again until after this week. so everyone have a great start of summer! i know that I'M going to :)

and i leave you with these cutsie things i picked up from photobucket:

the f-word and jokes!

i got pissed because my appointment just called me "sweetheart" at my job. silly boy. here are some rude jokes to make me laugh and feel better. not really feminist, just mean!

Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: "I can do better than this" and he made woman.

"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."
-Jackie Mason 

Q: Why are all dumb blond jokes one liners?
A: So men can understand them.

Q: Why do men like BMWs?
A: They can spell it.

Q: Why do men name their penises?
A: Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 99% of their decisions.

Q: Why are men like noodles?
A: They are always in hot water . They lack taste. They need dough.  

alright. i feel better now. and i agree that these are mean! i don't really think like this [except for maybe the first one...]. honestly, if that guy knew me, "sweetheart" would be the last thing he thought about me! i'm a woman, but i'm only a "lady" when i can afford to be one. i'm strong. i'm a tart--a cherry tart.

girl love update.

this is a more personal example of girl love/jealousy/nastiness/genuine happiness being played out:

there was a not-so-nice mention of me and my struggle with depression on some girl's blog. she even commented about my thriftiness at staying at the EconoLodge, as if the hotel's name and my wallet didn't confirm it already. here is a blip of her post and my exact comments back.
-----------------------------------------

Here's me thinking, "Shouldn't you have a life by now?"

Seriously, I heard that the "artificial happy" pills work wonders. Of course, I have heard that they make you a little worse before you get any better. Started a new brand maybe? Well, trust me, just stick with it and you'll feel better in no time. You'll see the world through fresh, sane eyes. Maybe - just maybe - you'll even be able to truly move on!

Hmph. Good luck with that.

[...]

The vacation was great! Pretty relaxing to be able to escape the usual for a little while. We were even given a King bed suite upon arrival for no extra charge! French Quarter accommodations really are a far throw from a penny-pincher's Econolodge. Worth every cent I didn't have to pay! [...]

Divulged at 11:20:00 AM

2 Comments:

 ♥cherry. le. fait. said...

i'm glad that you're having fun and are so happy. Gala wrote a great article about 100 percent happiness without nastiness directed to other women. it's really good and not too long:
http://galadarling.com/article/jealousy-is-the-killer-of-girl-love

pay attention to quotes like:
"Similar to the way in which if you’re happy with yourself & your life, you don’t trawl the internet being nasty, if you’re happy & have good self-esteem, you don’t view other girls as competition any more either."
and
"One thing I’ve noticed over the last few years is that if you’re really happy with yourself & your life, or if you become that way after years of self-loathing or misery, the way that you interact with other people & the world around you completely changes."

you have better things to do than be passive aggressive toward me and poking fun at folks with severe depression. you had no reason to be jealous of me and to try to be "better" than me like your email said. that's a sad way to think. depression isn't a joke and you should know it. i struggle with it and i hate myself for letting it be a problem, and it's hardly a subject of jest. it's a full-time job managing it with the help of my doctors and whatever "fake happy" pills that they tell me to take, but i love myself and want to be more productive and able, so i do it.

you will feel so much happier when you stop it. and no one will have a reason to view you as "sad" or whatever. all of your energies should be directed towards positivity in your life and the baby's--not my mental state. that's what's most important. frankly, i can't be concerned with you when i have way too much on my plate already, and it should be the same for you.

you have a wonderful life, a baby coming, school, a man you care about, and lots of duties and promise to immerse yourself in and be happy about. now stop being counterproductive by even thinking about my or any other woman's existence and go be even happier!

May 3, 2009 5:46 PM  

---

 ♥cherry. le. fait. said...

and of course the EconoLodge is cheap! it's in the name and that's why i did it! i was broke. i still am. why is this on your mind?

just an example of how you being silly/nasty is pointless.

you don't have time or a reason to be like that! it's unattractive. be happy that you can do better and BE the better person that you want to be.

good luck. you've got a lot going on and a lot going for you. me and everyone else's lives that are not in direct conflict with yours don't deserve your thoughts, comments, etc.

-----------------------------------------
internet fights and grudges are sad for many reasons, especially when they're pointless. if someone is so happy, why mention things that are so obviously beneath them? she has my ex and his baby and a full life to life. what does her life then have to do with me? i'm the one who has some moving on to do?

maybe it takes some growing out of, but everyone learns lessons at his or her own pace. it's not my problem now.

here's to really moving on and being genuinely happy! the proof is in the way you live your life [or update your blog]!

girl love.

i'm still studying. and i'm starving, btw. someone go fetch me a Subway roasted chicken salad.

i've been a shitty presence in the blog world: been busy taking my fake girlfriend to buy wigs and spending way too much money at KFC. been camped out on my sofa reading at least three books at a time. i really just want to finish my finals and get home to my family and Andy's mother's cooking family. how is YOUR life?

hope that you're not wasting any time by being jealous. i'll explain:

aside from just filling your life with negative energy, jealousy and losing control of that emotion can lead you down a detrimental path and even cause you friend, or just some time you could be using to buy me groceries before i collapse.

Gala wrote a great article about girl love--and not the kind that Lindsey Lohan has for her DJ woman. it's short; go ahead and read it.

even if you don't want to be friends with a girl, definitely don't focus your energies on being nasty to her or even thinking nasty things about her. it's so trivial. instead, fix what it is inside of you that is weak enough and making you insecure enough to dislike her. and then avoid her. you don't have to love the bitch, but you don't want to go around getting wrinkles and being bitter with your "friends" while you all chain smoke and whisper bad things about people in the corner--not that i used to do this to everybody, that is.

when i was younger, i was bullied--ALOT. girls hated me, cut my hair, were nasty to me, tried to hit me, etc. and i didn't do anything to deserve it. i never did anything to cross them. i never looked for a fight. i pretty much stayed in my Francine Pascal's Fearless books and listened to *NSYNC [shut up]. at the time, it made me miserable and confused that these girls hated me so much, but now i've since chalked it up to jealousy.

and it's hilarious, because in my mind, i had nothing to be jealous of! the other girls were the ones with all of the friends and name-brand clothes! i was a loser with weird music and second hand clothes. i STILL have second hand clothes and i'm frankly pissed that being thrifty and vintage is in style now when i never had a choice otherwise! funny, funny, funny.

clearly it doesn't take a genius to fake confidence or happiness and it takes nothing less than a strong, fabulous woman to pursue genuine satisfaction.

right now, i'd say that i'm on a positive path, or at least i hope so: i love my family, i've developed some genuine friendships, i have a phenomenal man, i'm successful.. these are things that i didn't have to buy or force myself into for the convenience and comfort. hell, i was single for a damned year before me and Andy hooked up [it wasn't a rebound or desperation]. and if i ever find myself not liking a lady for whatever reason, i avoid her instead of wasting time and energy ranting about her--or i fix whatever is in myself that might make me jealous of her. because frankly, if i'm being the best person that i can be, then i don't have time to think about another woman, let alone dislike her for shit that she didn't even do to me!

but if some lady DOES do something to you, then disregard good reason and flat all of her tires with a knife.


i'm kidding. or, at least don't blame me if you get caught. be sneaky.