back to dating myself.

i wish that i had something very substantial or just plain witty to blog about. the fact is that i don't. i'm not even going to entertain all of the times that i have [or have not] been depressed and down over not having good friends, a boyfriend, etc. it's a waste of time because my complaining isn't going to bring people to me. i'll say right now that i am enjoying dating myself.. i bought myself caffeine in pink form from Cups today. i'll polish my own toenails later. plus, no other person [especially not a boyfriend] can apply my makeup like i do! i'm absolutely fabulous on my own! i can accomplish and satisfy myself so much!

i've been owrking on my literary baby lately. it's all typed up in virtual documents for me to edit and oganize. had to come out of the notebook one day. i'm kind of excited to see what happens with it.

i have to go now. i'm deliciously full and i have myself to keep company!

i haven't fucked anyone in FOREVER! and watching SATC episodes doesn't make me feel better about. fuck the relationship that i had, i just miss parts of the guy. he couldn't do anything else good for me. last night as seriously the fourth wet dream in a month that i have had. i'm sick of cumming all into the sheets and waking up sticky and alone. maybe the feeling will ebb with my ever-increasing stability while being single.

the uncanny horoscope.

i just ventured to this old favorite site of mine. it's literally been years since i've even checked for any updates from it. i've always had fun there: getting i-ching readings, having some tarot reading performed by the computer, and of course, reading my horoscope. well, i got bored in my online adventures and i just looked up today's horoscope for Libra and it really makes me wonder how some people can say that horoscopes are all lies all of the time. sure, they're genral; but, can the whole idea of the horoscope be false? it must have some origin and some raison d'etre..

"Wednesday, Jun 11th, 2008 -- You may have to contend with your own mood swings today as the Moon returns to your sign. But your feelings are feeding into a whole system of logic that you use to explain your behavior. Unfortunately, analyzing your emotions and reporting your findings to others is a waste of good energy now. Instead of engaging in endless discussions about the same old thing, sit back and watch how your mind jumps through hoops to justify what you do."

haha. good job, Tarot.com. it's not a lie in that it doesn't say that i am having a peachy keen time and that i have all of the luck in the world--because i am not and i do not. i'll even say that it's accurate in identifying my mood. hmm.. i really don't know where i side in the whole disproving the tarot and horoscope debate. i just don't know. i do know that i'll be following it's advice. sounds pleasant and rewarding to me and good advice can't hurt especially when i don't have a lot of it coming from any source these days.

... my face!

i wanted to add some color to my next post and there's no better way to do so than with my own face ornamenting these computerized pages! oh, la la! if you look closely enough you can see my bra in the background. >_<

but, uh, anyway. i really don't have much to say. i'll survey my general being right now:

i'm very full. i've been bored and have been pigging out on random unhealthy stuff. it's prolly a little emotionally linked too. gotta fix that. ooh! i just farted! i'm apparently gassy, too.

momma's in the bedroom with daddy. she's always giving me advice about the men i associate with, telling me not to fall in love with the wrong ones. she even uses my dad as an example of a wrong one, but she still let's him hang around after promising me years ago that she'd get rid of him because of how he treated me. sometimes i feel betrayed; sometimes i don't care much. sometimes i wish that it wasn't so ironic that she gives me advice about all of these bad men and can't follow it herself.

but before i get lonely again, i'll stop typing about him.

gaining peace and room to really live.

i feel really humble today. i got a phone call from an unexpected person who isn't on my best buddy list, if you know what i mean. i wasn't too short and bitchy to them because i kept checking my outlook. hm, i guess that i should say that i was pleasant. just because he isn't larry or a sexy single guy with beautiful eyes doesn't mean that i have to treat him like is a complete waste of my time, even if in one of my depressed moods, i can feel like he is.

and just now, i just had a friendly facade of a conversation with a gorgeous boy who rejected me back in CollegeTown. he makes it even worse by always calling me "dear" and "babe" with that worthy, pretty mouth of his.. ahem. and i don't feel anxious for him to see me being desperate, to see me trying to be extra awesome to get his attention. hell, it was a two-minute facebook messenger convo because if he really wanted to talk to me, he will find a way for it to happen. remember percy sledge's "When a Man Loves a Woman" dimmed down for college romances/massacres.

and even if i cussed larry out over txt message yesterday and was on the verge of insulting his bald-headed mother [hee hee], i wish him the best today, even when it means that he will be giving some other girl everything that i ever wanted from him. i'm not going to swell on why she gets to have the best parts of him while i had to fight tooth and nail for its sick shaddow. i'm not even going to entertain why my dad, along with countless others, gets to march around fancy-free and footloose while a single mother somewhere has to pick up their slack.

besides having the possibility of always being worse, i don't feel like giving myself such a dose of anxiety. all it does is eat my sanity away and twist my guts. not going to sacrifice my well-being for someone who isn't worth it. he may never know that he is worthless, but i do. and i'm taking the knowledge and moving someplace with it.

and hopefully y'all will see me out there a smile on my face, happy with what i have--and you'll be jealous!

i fucking hate egocentricism.

i was in Fondren today at the coffee house and everything looked sickeningly uniform for such a funky part of town. everyone had the same bumper stickers. every girl had the same haircut and dress. every guy had the same box of cigarettes and ordered the same flavor if iced tea. i was there looking to the left at the skate shop where this celebrity fella used to worked and still hangs out at hoping that he'd pop out from behind the bushes. the same guy who treated me like a groupie because i basically gave him the go-ahead. the guy with the [ugly] girlfriend. makes me sick to my stomach after he did what it is that he did to me. looked to the right and was expecting my ex to show up like he said that he would just to shoot the breeze with a familiar person. none of the cars passing down the street were his. i puffed at my cigarettes and felt more lonely than i had in a long time.

in more details, the celebrity guy that i was almost certain was gonna come to his senses and sense my girlfriend potential and make it official for me txted--for a booty call. exciting? yeah. i even drove to his house and he doesn't care about how my photo shoot went. even larry asked me how it went and how much i was paid. the celebrity guy just asked me what i was doing later with every intent on cheating on his girlfriend with me--AGAIN. i said something that was no way involved with him, the movie theatre. not some dumb hotel party tonight and he asked me to get back at him later. i said "Maybe" with a smile, but i still said maybe with all the intentions of "No." hope he got it. i won't be taking any more of his games, won't be going over his fabulous space for anime and nookie after midnight. it's just so funny how we were potentially REALLY good mates, beautiful i'd even venture to say. and now i have to deal with what he did to me for the rest of my life and wonder if i'll ever find some beautiful guy that doesn't leave me wanting for anything.

kind of a depressing topic when alone at the coffee house with nothing but a raspberry tea and Marlboro Lights for company.

me and him.

this makes me REALLY sad/angry. was originally not gonna publish and just leave it as a draft, but here you go. maybe i'll post more on what happened afterwards when i have the strength to.

------------------------------------------------------------

[21:19] CelebrityCrush: no

[21:22] Ch3rri Pi: ?

[21:22] Ch3rri Pi: no yourself.

[21:22] CelebrityCrush: no

[21:22] CelebrityCrush: i wont leave u alone

[21:22] Ch3rri Pi: haha

[21:23] Ch3rri Pi: good for me then

[21:23] Ch3rri Pi: dont know if thats a good or bad thing

[21:23] Ch3rri Pi: prolly both.

[21:23] CelebrityCrush: lol

[21:26] Ch3rri Pi: gonna try real hard to have a wet dream starring someone else.

[21:26] CelebrityCrush: um

[21:26] CelebrityCrush: ok

[21:26] Ch3rri Pi: like an asian girl

[21:26] CelebrityCrush: cool

[21:26] Ch3rri Pi: or my professor

[21:26] CelebrityCrush: gross

[21:26] Ch3rri Pi: thats the way it should be

[21:27] Ch3rri Pi: :)

[21:28] Ch3rri Pi: how often do you masturbate?

[21:30] Ch3rri Pi: just askin. the crotches of my panties have holes in them.

[21:30] CelebrityCrush: wow are u not getting layed enough?

[21:31] Ch3rri Pi: i dont know.

[21:31] Ch3rri Pi: i thought i was.

[21:31] Ch3rri Pi: its prolly just because im ovulating.

[21:31] Ch3rri Pi: it's like the female blue-balls for a week.

[21:31] CelebrityCrush: wow

[21:33] Ch3rri Pi: yep

[21:34] CelebrityCrush: well alright then

[21:34] CelebrityCrush: no spainish fly for u

[21:34] CelebrityCrush: ever

[21:35] Ch3rri Pi: lol

[21:35] Ch3rri Pi: just not this week

[21:35] CelebrityCrush: no not never

[21:35] Ch3rri Pi: well darn.

[21:38] Ch3rri Pi: well maybe its cuz ive only been fucking white guys lately

[21:39] CelebrityCrush: sounds like a personal problem

[21:39] Ch3rri Pi: yeah; tell me about it.

[21:39] Ch3rri Pi: oh well.

[21:44] Ch3rri Pi: i'd rather be dancing?

[21:44] Ch3rri Pi: no.

[21:44] Ch3rri Pi: i'd rather be swinging from the end of your dick.

[21:44] Ch3rri Pi: lol!

[21:44] CelebrityCrush: lol

[21:45] CelebrityCrush: no you dont

[21:45] Ch3rri Pi: i really do

[21:45] Ch3rri Pi: not yours--more like my boy toy's maybe

[21:46] Ch3rri Pi: but he's white and things just aren't the same if you don't know.

[21:46] CelebrityCrush: well call your boy toy and get that out your system

[21:46] Ch3rri Pi: haha. he's just got online too.

[21:47] Ch3rri Pi: prolly will. or else i'll explode.

[21:47] CelebrityCrush: and this is where i exit

[21:47] CelebrityCrush: stage left

[21:47] CelebrityCrush: peace

[21:47] Ch3rri Pi: au revoir

[21:57] Ch3rri Pi: sorry for being too weird and flirty kinda.

[21:58] CelebrityCrush: no prob

[21:58] CelebrityCrush: weirdo

[21:58] Ch3rri Pi: lol

[21:58] Ch3rri Pi: ohmygosh

[21:58] Ch3rri Pi: asshole

[22:04] CelebrityCrush: whoever u have plans with better fuck the shit outta u

[22:05] Ch3rri Pi: you mean me fuck the shit outta them.

[22:06] CelebrityCrush: no

[22:06] CelebrityCrush: i meant what i said

[22:07] Ch3rri Pi: i fuck, i don't get fucked.

[22:07] Ch3rri Pi: i make meals outta my men.

[22:08] Ch3rri Pi: lick em up and slurp em down again

[22:08] CelebrityCrush: i doubt that

[22:08] Ch3rri Pi: you really shouldn't

[22:09] Ch3rri Pi: intrigued?

[22:09] Ch3rri Pi: i heard skaters like head

[22:09] Ch3rri Pi: i know i do

[22:09] Ch3rri Pi: LOVE it

[22:09] CelebrityCrush: i am intrigued

[22:10] Ch3rri Pi: right

[22:10] CelebrityCrush: but

[22:10] CelebrityCrush: u cannot out fuck me

[22:11] Ch3rri Pi: why not?

[22:11] Ch3rri Pi: because i dont have a dick?

[22:11] Ch3rri Pi: if i had a dick, i'd be a BEAST in bed

[22:11] CelebrityCrush: no i just dont think could keep up with me

[22:12] Ch3rri Pi: i dunno. i usually cum first and then pass out/leave [22:12] Ch3rri Pi: so maybe not

[22:13] CelebrityCrush: awwww

[22:13] Ch3rri Pi: yeah

[22:16] CelebrityCrush: oh well if you need me ill be over here

[22:16] CelebrityCrush: masterbating

[22:16] Ch3rri Pi: what?

[22:16] CelebrityCrush: lol

[22:16] Ch3rri Pi: so tiring for the hands

[22:16] CelebrityCrush: i know

[22:16] CelebrityCrush: its your fault

[22:17] Ch3rri Pi: yeah, i know

[22:17] Ch3rri Pi: haha

[22:18] CelebrityCrush: so not funny

[22:18] CelebrityCrush: im honestly been thinking about fucking u all day

[22:19] Ch3rri Pi: woah!

[22:19] Ch3rri Pi: :D

[22:19] Ch3rri Pi: now its your turn

[22:20] Ch3rri Pi: not fun

[22:20] Ch3rri Pi: i had that last night

[22:20] Ch3rri Pi: and jizzed up the sheets

[22:20] CelebrityCrush: yea u told me

[22:20] CelebrityCrush: wow

[22:21] CelebrityCrush: my dick is so hard right now it hurts

[22:21] Ch3rri Pi: haha.

[22:22] Ch3rri Pi: thats what i like to hear usually

[22:23] CelebrityCrush: whatever if u was here i would make that wet dream cum true

[22:24] Ch3rri Pi: clever

[22:24] Ch3rri Pi: i bet. and as horny as i am i'd let you.

[22:25] Ch3rri Pi: we should prolly stop though

[22:25] CelebrityCrush: yea

[22:26] Ch3rri Pi: not fun

[22:27] CelebrityCrush: ok so agreed we will never ever speak of this again

[22:27] Ch3rri Pi: well thats no fun at all!

[22:28] Ch3rri Pi: but prolly no good can come from it

[22:28] Ch3rri Pi: and your girlfriend is prolly great :(

[22:28] Ch3rri Pi: and will step on me

[22:28] Ch3rri Pi: and current boy toy will prolly shoot you

[22:28] Ch3rri Pi: so i guess?

[22:30] CelebrityCrush: yea

[22:30] CelebrityCrush: i dont want to get shot

[22:30] Ch3rri Pi: i shoulda been single a lot sooner..

[22:30] Ch3rri Pi: and i dont wanna get stepped on

[22:31] CelebrityCrush: yea u should've

[22:34] Ch3rri Pi: ugh! fuck you!

[22:34] Ch3rri Pi: g'bye.

Cosmo's 24 Shortcuts to a Happy Life

Thanks, Cosmo.
[here]
i read it and i loved it.

forgive me.

it's been pretty much a year of me blogging here and i can't fucking believe that i have had sooo much free time, or at least, made such free time for myself when i have other very pressing duties always coming up and blighting my life. i suppose there is always time for contemplation; thinking is something that i value highly, so of course i can blog when i really should be checking on my summer classes or trying to get to a doctor--only after having first afforded to see ANYONE with a medical degree. i might just have to wait almost a decade and treat myself. hopefully i will not have hanged myself or killed anyone by then.

speaking of hanging myself:

today has been awful. i don't know why. yesterday, i didn't muse on anything depressing for long. but, i also went outside for at least a second and actually saw the sun. today i have not left my nightgown and robe. only just recently took off my had rag. been reading Anne Rice's Christ the Lord: Out of Egypt and am loving it immensely. it's not affecting me religiously. it's shocking me really because of the restraint. she is definitely brave for attempting to write a biography of Christ. but back to my hanging.. my family has instilled in me and practices the idea of forgiveness of the unconditional variety. they embrace me and urge me to do so with people, a few people in particular if youk now anything about me, and blah blah blah. but if they can forgive so readily even when it still hurts, even when it doesn't seem to do any good, even seems to hurt a little bit more just to forgive.. why can't i forgive myself?

i'm not done. i'll be back on the same subject soon. maybe after my lab tomorrow.