forgive me.

it's been pretty much a year of me blogging here and i can't fucking believe that i have had sooo much free time, or at least, made such free time for myself when i have other very pressing duties always coming up and blighting my life. i suppose there is always time for contemplation; thinking is something that i value highly, so of course i can blog when i really should be checking on my summer classes or trying to get to a doctor--only after having first afforded to see ANYONE with a medical degree. i might just have to wait almost a decade and treat myself. hopefully i will not have hanged myself or killed anyone by then.

speaking of hanging myself:

today has been awful. i don't know why. yesterday, i didn't muse on anything depressing for long. but, i also went outside for at least a second and actually saw the sun. today i have not left my nightgown and robe. only just recently took off my had rag. been reading Anne Rice's Christ the Lord: Out of Egypt and am loving it immensely. it's not affecting me religiously. it's shocking me really because of the restraint. she is definitely brave for attempting to write a biography of Christ. but back to my hanging.. my family has instilled in me and practices the idea of forgiveness of the unconditional variety. they embrace me and urge me to do so with people, a few people in particular if youk now anything about me, and blah blah blah. but if they can forgive so readily even when it still hurts, even when it doesn't seem to do any good, even seems to hurt a little bit more just to forgive.. why can't i forgive myself?

i'm not done. i'll be back on the same subject soon. maybe after my lab tomorrow.