no baby so no fathers' day!!!

what?

yeah.

me and andy headed out to stare at a cup of my urine while we waited for the strip to turn pink. one line; not pregnant, right?


then where were my lady days for an additional week? i never thought that i would actually wish them upon myself. there was a lot of sitting on my ass and waiting and worrying and acquiring some Yaz.

what if i was pregnant? even if i doubted it with good reasoning severely.. am i ready to get fat, sacrifice my time and money or andy's time and money to raise some bad-ass little zebra-striped biracial baby?

well, i'm obviously not. and good thing, too. i have nothing to worry about! i have the Pill to take now. andy is gorgeous. my legs are all smooth. andy's parents are out of state for an entire week which gives me and him free reign over that big ole house... but i'm bleeding. i even blessed his thigh mid-nookie with the surprise of no babies. FAIL.

and i feel like shit. happy fathers' day to anyone! [not me and andy :)] ciao.

unemplyed and a little uninspired.

why, oh, why must the job market be SO suckish? i need to fund my eating habbit or learn to cook, like, yesterday. i want some new panties because i've been accidentally going commando due to me NOT doing laundry. i have to pay for school, necessities, blah, blah, blah. bitch, bitch, bitch!

i hate being an adult.

everything else is swell. i have a new LG Vu. my nails are hot pink. the weather is delicious. my boyfriend's brother is opening up his new night spot tomorrow night [if you're from my hometown, head out there for Jesse Robinson's Annual Birthday Bash]. "No Black, No White, Just Blues!" i'm gonna be there, wearing bells, or just taking pictures.

i need to catch up with reading and commenting. give me some time. give me some Tylenol.

ciao.

suffering's meaning and direction.

i've been thinking a lot--about mortality. about my mortality, about suffering, life, and meaning.

the meaning of life is relative to each person blessed enough to breathing right now. it's a duty of mine to fill each day of my life with some sort of significance, but sometimes all of my efforts get lost in the chaos of the universe while i'm fighting it: finals, money, my depression, my libran inability to make decisions... it all conflicts with productivity. i literally won't even be able to see straight and i feel like shit; i feel like i'm worth shit.

at moments like that, my direction and motivation are gone. i feel worthless and hopeless [yeah, i'm a bit of a drama queen. i'd like to thank the Academy.] at even darker hours when my threshold for suffering is being tested, i want to give up completely.

here's a mental note to myself.

"a meaning to life is realative to different people because life itself is relative; it lends itself to circumstance, position, etc. the only thing that living people have in common with each other is that we all are alive.. no one is responsible for your life--from your birth to the day that dirt is thrown in your face, you are your own person. people with terminal illnesses have life. people living in poverty have life. severely depressed people all have life and it's theirs! and if they're insightful enough, they don't give up. they go to school, they wake up each day, they drink coffee and brush their hair in efforts of doing something with the life that they have despite its particular circumstances. stop being a damned baby and be fabulous in your position."

 okay, i've snapped out of it. and when my cramps are gone, i'll actually get off of my ass!
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ALSO, my blog is going private / friends-only soon because i have a few annoying and juvenile no-lives buzzing in my ear. if you're interested in continuing a blog circle with me and reading my future protected posts about a lot more candid material [i'm not a virgin--who would have guessed?!], use the form in the previous post. it's there to protect your email address; only i'll see it.

ciao, mes cheres.

girl love.

i'm still studying. and i'm starving, btw. someone go fetch me a Subway roasted chicken salad.

i've been a shitty presence in the blog world: been busy taking my fake girlfriend to buy wigs and spending way too much money at KFC. been camped out on my sofa reading at least three books at a time. i really just want to finish my finals and get home to my family and Andy's mother's cooking family. how is YOUR life?

hope that you're not wasting any time by being jealous. i'll explain:

aside from just filling your life with negative energy, jealousy and losing control of that emotion can lead you down a detrimental path and even cause you friend, or just some time you could be using to buy me groceries before i collapse.

Gala wrote a great article about girl love--and not the kind that Lindsey Lohan has for her DJ woman. it's short; go ahead and read it.

even if you don't want to be friends with a girl, definitely don't focus your energies on being nasty to her or even thinking nasty things about her. it's so trivial. instead, fix what it is inside of you that is weak enough and making you insecure enough to dislike her. and then avoid her. you don't have to love the bitch, but you don't want to go around getting wrinkles and being bitter with your "friends" while you all chain smoke and whisper bad things about people in the corner--not that i used to do this to everybody, that is.

when i was younger, i was bullied--ALOT. girls hated me, cut my hair, were nasty to me, tried to hit me, etc. and i didn't do anything to deserve it. i never did anything to cross them. i never looked for a fight. i pretty much stayed in my Francine Pascal's Fearless books and listened to *NSYNC [shut up]. at the time, it made me miserable and confused that these girls hated me so much, but now i've since chalked it up to jealousy.

and it's hilarious, because in my mind, i had nothing to be jealous of! the other girls were the ones with all of the friends and name-brand clothes! i was a loser with weird music and second hand clothes. i STILL have second hand clothes and i'm frankly pissed that being thrifty and vintage is in style now when i never had a choice otherwise! funny, funny, funny.

clearly it doesn't take a genius to fake confidence or happiness and it takes nothing less than a strong, fabulous woman to pursue genuine satisfaction.

right now, i'd say that i'm on a positive path, or at least i hope so: i love my family, i've developed some genuine friendships, i have a phenomenal man, i'm successful.. these are things that i didn't have to buy or force myself into for the convenience and comfort. hell, i was single for a damned year before me and Andy hooked up [it wasn't a rebound or desperation]. and if i ever find myself not liking a lady for whatever reason, i avoid her instead of wasting time and energy ranting about her--or i fix whatever is in myself that might make me jealous of her. because frankly, if i'm being the best person that i can be, then i don't have time to think about another woman, let alone dislike her for shit that she didn't even do to me!

but if some lady DOES do something to you, then disregard good reason and flat all of her tires with a knife.


i'm kidding. or, at least don't blame me if you get caught. be sneaky.

the end and i feel fine [because it's BS]

i'm not allowing you to comment because i'm not around to comment lately. studying is taking over my life, although i made some time to get my hair untangled and clean. i'm at our Science majors' library waiting on my sexy Libran girlfriend to get here. isn't she adorable? i blame it all on her new lip piercing--and she pretty much bums me all of the Camels i want [most of the time]. gotta love Finals.
okay, i'm not dating her. Andy is still my only one. she's just one of the few women who aren't sickening to be around. gotta be because we're both of Venus. her middle name is my first name. she likes the same sorority i do. our birthdays are days apart. we love the same cigs [when we haven't quit]. she gets on my damned nerves.

and if anyone is scared about 2012, get over it: you will see the day ofter Doomsday. The Rapture won't happen because too many people are expecting it. the planet will stay in orbit. it has done so on every 12/21 since the beginning of Time. it has been made certain to me that this day will be nothing to worry about, but it will be weird!

i was pretty antsy about this at one time--i was one of those people in my teens scared off of my ass on the 2000 new year. i was expecting Jesus to break through the ceiling and take me away from the MTV countdown. it hasn't happened yet. it hasn't happened during any of the hundreds of other Doomsday prophecies. it won't happen 12/21/2012 [unless Palin is elected say some funny people].

lighten up. wish me luck on my exams. listen to old Sugar Ray singles. paint your toenails. paint my toenails. pay for prescription of BC. get ready for summer!

my ex? FML.

exaggerating. F his L. i was in a Benadryl coma and i didn't recognize the number calling me and i answered it. and i was stuck listening to him hoping that i was a big person. i am.

me: hello?
ex: you still with Cingular?
me: Andy?
ex: you still with Cingular?
me: who is this?
ex: your worst nightmare..
me: *cough, cough* ow, headache! who?
ex: it's Larry.
me: oh, heh. hi.
ex: i'm living with some bipolar roommates and i've never thought that it was a real condition until now. i want to apologize for giving you crap about your mental problems when we were dating.
me: i'm not bipolar.
ex: oh.
me: i have depression. you apologized to the wrong girl! sorry. anything else? where's Kareah?

anyway, he obviously still felt like talking to me and our conversation got really sad. it was haha funny, but seriously my heart was breaking for his life: he doesn't work. he has a baby on the way. he abuses pot. Kareah is in school when she's about to pop, i think. Kareah probably isn't all too innocent herself. happy or not, she's in a bad place with her "man." how irresponsible of a mother. his sister thought that he was on crack and sent him a random "I love you Larry" txt message out of concern. he's living like both a hobbit and a sardine at his new place. his family is ignoring the problem like a pink elephant in the room. he's a barber from home and visits drug abusers' institutions for $50 a visit to make around $200 for rent. he's given up his dreams of a music career. he doesn't want to keep his baby and would rather pay a daycare than babysit his own kid during his long, empty days. he doesn't have faith in love anymore, even if he's living with the woman that he impregnated.

he's so bad off right now. my heart breaks for him. what advice is there for him? what could he do? he's not any of my concern anymore, but i hope that somebody in this wide world of ours does care about him. it's just so sad to watch someone pursue what makes them happy and then crash in the end. that's what his life is--a big crash / wreck. and he's dragging Kareah and a baby into it too! this isn't nearly ideal, or even healthy.

i'm seriously so disgusted that i can't even be mad. i would usually smirk to myself and say to him:
i'f you're going to leave me, upgrade! your fault and too bad for you!
wonder if your parents are happy now!
i'm SO glad that i was condom-crazy! no crack babies for me!
haha!

but this has transcended what i feel, or even what he feels. it's an obvious problem and i'm so glad that i'm not sharing it with him. i still wonder why he really called me. that bipolar shit was crap. it's not my place anymore to be on the other end of the phone with him. wonder if his baby's momma [he hasn't married her] knows that he called me. he needs to find comfort in his new family. Kareah is his partner of choice. he's going to be a daddy. he's got to grow up. there is NO need for him to call me anymore. God bless him and his mess.

SO glad that this is over. doesn't he just look like a piece of shit waiting to happen? at least it's not happening to ME now.

how else but through a broken heart may Lord Christ enter in?

i feel my depression taking a downward turn. i don't have motivation to blog or comment these days--sorry. not to mention, i've got a couple of exams to study for. i can't stay in a chipper mood all of the time! i need some space and time. i need my new book and tangible comfort. i need my family, my doctor, and my boyfriend [and maybe a new PS2 game]. hopefully Easter Break will be filled with this for me. it's about time for me to slow down and experience life. it's about time that somebody serenaded me and then did other stuff to me. i feel really awful, and i hate myself for getting like this. depression is a real issue and it should be managed. silly me for not taking care of myself! have a great week and i'll return all better very soon!

some feminism.

entertain me if you're brave enough.

1. why don't more men take their wives' last name when they marry? why do so many people find it necessary to take the other person's last name anyway? i'm almost certain that i'll keep mine. maybe.
2. why is a woman's issue, such as fertility control facing such a reduction of rights at the legislation of men? they don't even have ovaries, but they can tell me what to do with my body. i call bullshit. as special as our bodies are, we should have special allowances. we shouldn't be punished for being great! c'mon Constitution! women are people too! ladies, "We shall overcome!"
   
3. WalMart won't sell PlanB. thanks guys!
   
4. there is a huge birth control price hike going on. this is counterproductive.
   
5. lots [way too many] states have unconstitutional holds on abortion access. many of the state legislators are men. i wish dumb folks like the governor from my home state could temporarily be disenfranchised when it comes to things like this. his backwater, redneck, tobacco dipping ass.. men like him make me want to cry.
6. sex toys can't be sold in my home state?!! as extremely hard as it is for a lady to reach orgasm through sex, now she can't even get pleasure from herself? but strip clubs are okay. and crimes like sexual harassment, domestic violence, and rape aren't punished harshly enough if you ask me. women have become the prisoners and slaves of their own society.
   
7. men have a defunct genome, but they're superior enough to rule over themselves and women since when? seriously guys: be sensitive to a woman's issue or don't vote. go jump off of a bridge. all in favor of a female monarch after Obama finishes being sexy in office say "Aye!"
   
8. Dead Men Don't Rape. men=monsters. sounds very radical and hateful. they aren't my exact sentiment. BUT they have some disgusting basis. sad to admit it. how many men do you know carry pepper spray with them at night?
   
9. wait a minute. you want me to to get a chemical burn to make sure that my legs are hairless. you want me to wear bras, impractical little heels, and face paint [because i don't look good enough]. i have to suck in my stomach, douche my vagina full of poison because you can't handle the way a real woman smells, cover up my body because you can't keep your eyes in your head... sounds like the other sex has a bit more of a problem with ladies do than we do with ourselves. almost sounds like society hates us. it's their problem. they should date men. or fuck dolls. when did feminine become synonymous to impractical? why oh why?
10. my period doesn't make me unclean or scary. it's the most beautiful thing that my body can do. i don't need to douse myself in perfume and limit my activity because the world is afraid of the wonderful thing that my body does. i am the instrument of Creation [only when i choose to be]!
11. i'm lesbian because i'm making sense to you? where is your logic, dude?! actually i might go lesbian because idiots like you make me actually want to date another being as out-of-it's-mind as me. hell, we can share shoes.
12. stop saying "chicks, cougars, creatures, sweetheart, cunts, etc" stop naming your instruments and cars after women. stop naming hurricanes and tropical storms and such women's names. stop it right now.
    

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Go do this now
i know i'm pretty radical. it's my job, or nearly is. i can't wait to be the greatest gynecologist, most vocal woman's rights activist, president of my state's chapter of NOW, author of several books, etc.. but you don't have to be. leave the hard stuff up to the professionals! here is what you can do:

1. go to Planned Parenthood website and see what you can do to support progress in your area. don't have a facility in your state? there's your need for progress right there!
2. go to the NARAL website and see how woman friendly your state rates up. it can't be any more disgusting than my own.. my History teacher gave me that website in high school after i emailed out a petition against the governor's action and mailed him a letter! i love ladies with sense! so cool! i still got a C in her class...
3. go to the NOW website. i love them and they're always looking for support AND they'll mail you some really sweet stickers for your car!
4. go watch the Vagina Monologues. seriously!
5. Rihanna [or however you spell this misguided girl's name] is crazy. this website is not.
6. go to Bust.com! have fun!
   
7. dress as Wonder Woman or Poison Ivy! they're hot ladies, they're strong, and they don't let a man tell them what to do! who would dare?!
   

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i am NOT a man-hating [or Republican-hating], natural-smelling, bitter, cat owning, PMSing, boot-wearing lesbian person. sorry if i seemed so. don't let me scare you off. i actually love men. i generally want to put things up their asses for my pleasure. many men are wonderful. my brothers, my uncles, my boyfriend and his dad and brothers are all beautiful men. men do so much for me, for this country. they are heroes at war. they are protectors, they are single parents. they are amazing lovers. they can be the most polite gentlemen and some of the most intelligent people i'll ever know, unless they happen to be the governor of a very damned, very Red, very backwards state. some of the raddest feminists are men and i thank them for their support. i do not believe that women are superior [even if we are pretty rad]. i support equal relations and respect among all human beings, no matter what gender or sex that they identify with. if you want to take issue with something i've posted, go ahead. it's healthy and i might have been a bit violent and obsessive. i just want everyone to recognize how amazing ladies are! i'll admit it--i'm not perfect! only very nearly so.

and then, of course, my Libra senses tell me to equally rant against the stupid, useless, disgusting women blighting the face of the earth. but that is another post that i will have just as much fun with.


YUCK, right?! thx, here.

sugar for sex; we played chess.

the title sums up my weekend in a rush. went home for some rehabilitation and tearful prayers and fried fish. i scraped a beguiling pathogen from the roof of my significant other's mouth and now my stomach is being violent like his was being a week ago. in my opinion, we all need a stomach virus to sit us down and remind us to pause, think, and wash our hands after using the toilet.

instead of blogging, i've been holding back vomit, been writing, been saying "Alleluia" with my grandmother and my aunt after medication. when is Spring Break? when did i fail at being fabulous?

no, i actually feel fine now. i really do. anytime i feel my depression taking a down cycle, i have my resources that i fall back on to keep me afloat and it's nice! not trying to preach to you here, but The Serenity Prayer is great to pray or just say to yourself. also, John 14 is honey.

i have to study, as always. surely when these cooties have run their course, i can get back to my senses. use Lysol! use soap! don't eat unwashed food or kiss your germy manfriend too deeply even if his eyes are blue!

tag!

all of you bitches who tagged me better effing read this or i will come visit you and make you eat something that i cooked.
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1.Each blogger must post these rules first.
2.Each blogger starts with 8 random facts/habits about themselves.
3.Blogger that are tagged need to write on their own blog about their 8 things.
4.At the end of your blog,you need to choose 8 people to get tagged and list their names.
5.Don't forget to leave them a comment, telling them that they've been tagged and to read your blog.
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1) i start to sneeze when i get really aroused. honestly. weird, i know. if my door is locked and you hear me sneezing, just come back in 15 minutes because i'm more than likely busy.
2) my mom is sick and it breaks my heart that someone so good has to suffer. it makes me feel helpless and scared for myself. and then she calls me and jokes about me being a clueless skank and it's all better.
3) i have two cigarette burns: one on either hand.
4) i'm such a tense person that my shoulders are frozen in an "up" position. i have to pause and make myself relax them.
5) i don't think that i've ever been this happy [which is way sad in itself], but it pisses me off because i don't want it to be due to some man, no matter how wonderful he is.
6) i like cats more than most people. yes, even you.
7) i'm actually so smart that i have no common sense. i have no idea what directions are. i put my shoes on the wrong feet. i can't cook without giving someone food poisoning. i can't even remember to eat enough times a day to not feel faint and awful.
8) when i consider my past, i smile SO BIG. i get sad sometimes, but my life isn't sad, as in pathetic and hilarious! and i've just concluded: i don't have lots of friends because cheap folks don't flock to me to make their own lives feel more substantial. they can't because it doesn't work; i actually deserve respect. "friendship" is often synonymous to one person [the one who believes in the friendship] being a fool.

i'm not a dummy like that! i just don't know where i'm going when i get in my car!
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and i'm not tagging folks because some of you already have been tagged multiple times like myself. let's just simplify it: whoever hasn't had a turn, it's your turn now. tag! you're it, bitch!

resettling with a fever.

it's about time for another photo and i like this one alot!


i'm not dead: i've just been busy with moving into my new place off campus and restarting school. and i have a fever, so i feel like my head is in a hot fog. i'll be around to comment and to spray disinfectant until things settle down a bit more!

i want to slit my wrists!

nah, i'm being dramatic. i'm actually okay-- just a little tired and starving. i'm back after a week full of lose: i've been literally studying biology more often than sleeping, which takes a lot of effort for someone wh:o is as fatigue-prone as i am. "of course i'm good in bed; i can sleep for days!" haha.. but seriously, my chemistry professor is Satan. he went into a crazy tirade around the lecture hall pointing to random objects and associating them with obscure material: "This is made of blah blah blah! And this is made of something else that you can't even pronounce! Exam on Tuesday!"

i'm getting sick, but i wear so much makeup that it's undetectable until i sneeze three times in a row. i'm on a diet and my tummy looks nice. i've got some resistance bands hanging over the door just waiting to be used in my pilates routine. there's actually motivation to use them now that i've been over to visit Blair's blog. 

nothing terribly exciting is going on. i'm pumped about getting a place soon with one of my besties, T. it will be the two of us and then another girl. heh--hope it doesn't turn into an Audrina v. LC and Lo situation. yeah, i watched The Hills. so?..  :)

*sneeze*

oh, red lipstick mimics confidence apparently. i've been wearing it and a [beautiful Clark Kent-looking] guy that i haven't talked to in a while was mesmerized by my mouth. he's very conservative and doesn't do much flirting,  so i personally pulled a few tricks just for practice. later online, he told me that he really liked my perfume. how's that for not flirting? exciting! 

Twilight is tomorrow! i want to see it!

i am an ex.

i was going to wait until before class tomorrow, but i'm kind of excited:

today 11/6 is my quit date :)

now you may not share my enthusiasm, but know that it is there and in immense amounts from my end! i'm armed with nicotine gum and a trust-worthy friend or two. i'm even doing the Nicotine Anonymous thing with a good bud as my loyal sponsor. i feel like Tommy Gavin from Rescue Me with his Irish alcoholism problem.. i'm so young!

i've got to keep my hands busy. i'm going to be biting my nails and sticking my fingers in my mouth all day. but, can i still be sexy without my cigs, though? heh. it's just been a regular part of my life for a while. ugh, this is going to be hard re-working my life around smoking, but the need to do so is there and isn't going anywhere. my doctor suggests that i quit eventually and i know that it's for the best if i do it soon. it's something that i've been getting closer and closer to doing recently. been seriously thinking about it for months.

so tell me congratulations and good luck and other lovely things. i'm so happy for me!

freaking out!

these are the days that make me question why i want to be a smarty-pants. sorry for not blogging, commenting, hanging out in cyberspace as usual. but my research based cell bio class is a pain in the ass and in the head. i'll get back to normal after this exam in the morning (and i have lots to blog about). 'till then, im here in the library with a buddy holding my head and eating a textbook or two. wish me luck! wish me no sleep!

wineskins.

wineskins. wineskins. leather bladders tanned to canteens carrying.. shit.

i don't know. pen-in-mouth, this image is stuck in the grey matter since my world lit class today. it's very fatalistic, really. morbid at least. it's in the same hand as mud becoming flesh.. so then it becomes leather. we are all leather carcass bags, canteens being lugged around. and we're all full of shit. 

nice.

i swear that i'm not in a bad mood. i'm actually peachy and haven't had to yell swear-words at traffic today. hmm. my mind is just way too conscious for my own good. River Phoenix said it best. that is to say, he was great up until he killed himself. hmm, if anyone could just get a sense of my thoughts, i would more-than-likely be committed somewhere. my head is way too old and busy and my contemporaries might as well all be on a different planet, save a few bearable ones. 

and to conclude the drabble: if left to be a leather wineskin, what are you canteening (other than shit)? i'm curious; i'd have to think a while even to answer for myself..

things that i have yelled at.

oh, bugger it. this fabulous femme can't keep her cool air all of the time.

Things That I have Yelled at Today [both mentally and quite literally]

8:13 A - upon oversleeping the alarm and looking at my phone. "Fuck! I have orientation at nine!"

10 A - while i look my supervisors in the face with a fake smile and lots of makeup plastered on. When is the soonest I can shower! I need food! My coffee is fucking cold and I'm bloated to Hell!

11:30 A - on the way to class. I speak French; kiss me while I kill my professor today! I'm tired!

12:30 P - leaving class and booking it back to my apartment. "Come the fuck on, you car! I need to get home!"

1:30 P - Fuck world lit.. I can't even read Latin!

3:45 P - in class with the hottest professor ever. I'm starving and I really want to get the hell out of here--right after I look at his butt again!

4:10 P - "Fuck you, Chrome! Why is everything crashing! That's bullshit! I want Facebook now!"

6 P [currently] - I need to calm the fuck down and relax!

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PMS, the heat, bad attitude, immaturity, or what? be careful, or i'll yell at you, too! ♥

me, meds, and mondays.

i'm not ashamed to say that i need to take antidepressants to keep myself going on.

wait. that sounds waaay too dramatic.

fact is, that i can get on without them. that is to say, i wouldn't die, or go so crazy that i'd do myself in or hang a baby out of a window..

it's just that depression is a condition. it's hereditary for me. i believe also that it's part environmental, which leaves room for my own transcendence and self-treatment. i believe that eventually, i can get to a state of existence in which mood-modifying prescription medicine becomes quite useless, like art. but right now, i don't mind stating that i catch myself dragging my feet on some monday mornings, downing a thermos of black coffee, wearing sparkly black eyeliner like a raccoon to hide signs of unwellness, and remember that i forgot my meds, as tacky as it is to broadcast to readers that i've been diagnosed with severe clinical depression since i was twelve years old.

i also drink out of the soda bottles in the refrigerator without first pouring myself a glass. i just put my mouth directly on the bottle and put it back when i'm done. but then again, i pretty much live alone. i don't keep my legs perfectly shaven. i pick at my teeth in public..

i know that i'm not the only one with bad habits and behavior to be less-than-proud about. and yes, you have my permission and encouragement  to comment away. how about you? i ask.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

on the other hand [i have different fingers] and i must say that tomorrow is going to be filled with me, my best friend, and all of our fabulous crew for a night of birthday celebrations--not at my apartment but nearby. i have to make a store run to buy wine glasses, balloons, and a cocktail dress that matches my pumps--or pumps that match one of my cocktail dresses! i love fancy house parties. think: cigarette extenders, champagne, and jazz music. right up until we're all a little too, excuse my frankness, DRUNK and we're laughing and dancing to Quiet Riot and Queen. 

and i leave you with a song by one of my FAVORITE bands. Placebo's hit titled, appropriately enough, "Meds." good song, divine album. great mood music for heading out downtown.

i feel old and wear my trousers rolled.

[Photo Credit] me and my camera phone! that's a lotta beer bong. and gotta love the guy in the cape.

a buddy  of mine whom i haven't seen in months told me something today that made me sad, but i just responded to him with one of my bright smiles and graceful nods. it was fake, of course; thanks, cheerleading! i was sitting in the café with my Italian sandwich and Chuck Palahniuk book and he greeted me all warmly. we started talking about the past and i hinted at my upcoming birthday. so, the guy told me that i'm getting old.

duh, duh, dunnnn!...

yeah. thanks, buddy. i'm turning the big 2-0 soon and it's scary for me, alright? there are physical age and psychological age to contend with; they are two separate beasts. don't joke about either, or i'll stab you in the neck with this fork! i don't feel like growing up. i don't feel like an adult. i don't want to get old when i'm not ready to do so! i understand now when women stay "23" for five years at a time. hell, my grandmother has been "40" since i was born.

so in elucidation of the twenty-something adult life, i'm going to just wax on where my life is now that i'm soon to be saying adieu to my teenage days.

this "adult" loves being lazy when she can afford to. she still giggles when she can skip an unimportant class meeting and it feels like hooky in high school. she likes hanging out over her friends' apartment and playing video games until it gets dark. she likes hanging over their balcony when all 15 of them go outside with their cigarettes and trash talk political figures, school administration, and your mom. she looks forward to the weekends: dressing up in black dresses, having drinks , and listening to the cover band perform some David Bowie or Guns n Roses. she likes getting off of work from Hooters and blowing her tips on rounds of cranberry and vodka.

she can easily pull on a pair of slacks and a chemise for class discussions, meetings, and debates. she can pull her hair back and wear subdued makeup as she takes notes on Organic Chemistry. she concentrates like nobody's business when she draws a molecule and shows its hybridization at different carbon atoms, and as she sits in any one of her professor's offices and nods and promptly proposes to them plans for her thesis, etc. she can keep contact with the president of her future medical school and return his emails. she can speak French and plan her abroad trip to l'Auvergne maybe. she can keep herself busy in planning her career and getting her adult life off of the ground [because, baby it's happening quickly]. 

but sometimes she still likes watching IuYasha on the weekends with a box of pizza while listening to some old Blink 182. speaking of which!:

"That's about the time she broke up with me
No one should take themselves so seriously
With many years ahead to fall in line
Why would you wish that on me?
I never want to act my age
What's my age again?
What's my age again?

What's my age again?"--Blink 182 "What's My Age Again"

i love those guys! and they hit the nail right on the head! here's a tribute of sorts to me growing up and to whatever fabulous world awaits me now. i'm excited and scared, but i know that i can welcome the new life gracefully. even when i'm the cosmopolitan and gorgeous francophile Surgeon Burton [hee, hee--not my current last name if you know what i mean], there will ALWAYS be the time for some InuYasha, damnit!

Job should have worn a big, pink boa.

some heavy, expensive World Lit book of mine thrown ontop of all of my other texts quotes some French ciritc for naming Job of the Hebrew texts as one of the masterpieces of the entire work. drawing from my own [limited] personal knowledge of this book from the Old Testament and the critic's opinion, i can agree. out of the boring, contradictory, and confusing collective, Job's sticks out. it's progressive, at least. the simplistic and totally false belief that good people are accordingly rewarded and that evil people never prosper is exhausting to adopt and it's tested in this story.

i'm not saying that i've read it recently or know it intimately, but it's a good story to tickle the neurons and the faith. good people are punished all of the time and even evil people succeed. now, with that bottom line, a practical person will notice the room for nihilism. Why in the fuck waste my time and energy being a genuinely good person, when there are loads of hypocrites, anarchists, etc having the times of their lives and who get the same everyday "punishments" that I do? If life lends itself to indiscriminate injustices, why take a spiritually Stoic stance against it and assume the life of an exhausted "good guy?" hmm?

let's consider it: i without reservations label myself a good person. i've got morals. i'm humble enough about my life and i acknowledge the need for individual liberty and happiness. i'd rather have thirty minutes with my family than a new car. i recognize selfish people, people with ill intentions, jealous people.. and i avoid the same in myself. i won't go into further detail and brag about all of my values; just know that i'm generally grounded in what can be considered a "good" life. and i'll even go further by saying that i believe this is rare form for the rest of humanity. everywhere i witness people possessed by their possessions, if you get what i mean. people who not only appreciate the superficial, but succumb to it. people motivated by nothing but what hurts other people. it's really toxic, if you ask me [and even if you don't]. and i'm sure you all can identify similar presences in your own spheres of life. it's nothing new or particularly difficult to comprehend. 

one of my uncles has his own manor. his children all have designer clothing, the newest technology, and more money than they know what to do with. the children are rude, negative, and two-faced even to other family members. the family dynamics frankly suck. the mother yells at the kids instead of raising them into good people. the father is only slightly better [because he was raised by my awesome grandmother].

my mother is a disabled nurse. she raised three kids [sometimes by herself]. she's been married to my dad all of her adult life. she stresses education, hard work, culture, and strong family ties. she is spiritual and isn't owned by material masters. she doesn't yell at me unless i have it coming. in fact, i can call her any time i want to, and she has an earful of good advice and counsel. even my dad tells me how proud he is of me everyday and hugs me when i see him. he sits and reads comics with me, lets me wear his hats, and watches bad television with me. my family is Christian in faith, but they'd never dream of ostracizing someone just because the morals and values don't line up. they're pretty open-minded [hell, they raised me]. they love indiscriminately and genuinely and don't hide behind a facade of holiness and superiority. we're REAL and cool! 

but, we're really poor [:(] my mom has a little apartment and we shop at thrift stores for cool stuff. the place is full of antique decorations, vintage clothing, costume jewelry, indie films, 80s music, comic books, and vampire literature. bad things happen to us all of the time and i won't describe all of it, but just know that it does. if you're a good person, you can imagine.

so, i run into bad luck occasionally, and as long as i'm alive, it's still bound to happen. my uncle is rich in the meantime, which helps cushion any of their other misfortunes maybe [or that's what they believe]. 

so, what's the point? rhetorically asking. i'm not going to sacrifice my own conventions anytime soon, but i'm asking anyway. i may or may not have one absolute answer, but whatever i believe must be good enough because i'm still on team Good Guy! and i give it a fabulous air! we should get tshirts and wear big, pink boas around the town.

i have an ego, but still no cash.

i'm envisioning some wavy hair extensions. i'm not talking about a full head of sewn-in tracks here, like i sported on campus the whole time last academic year. i'm more interested in exposing my real hair, which is really long now due to the extreme weaving, and i just wanna enhance the back with some texture that i don't have to manage with a curling iron everday. i'm talking a pack of eight-dollar plastic hair and maybe two tracks worth of enhancing. i just don't wanna disappoint a certain someone who is used to seeing me in a full wig in pictures. damnit me for the glitter-glam keep up!

i've just re-discovered how much my ego eats it up when someone calls me "dollface." men and women alike have called me this before and i swear that it's like a new orgasm every time it passes someone's lips to my ears.

in other news, i'm broke-as-fuck, but i still have this annoying desire to go accessories shopping. i want a new oversize bag that can do for books and whatever college life throws at me. cool prints and sophisticated style are a plus. nothing expensive in mind. actually Wal-Mart has been good about furnishing my tastes and leaving a purpose for my wallet. there are these adorable little scarf head bands there...

i made a pink little link button. it's in the menu to the left under "TPPP" heading, appropriately. take it and plug me if you love me or hate me. just don't direct link and be aware that i have occasionally changed domain names in the past. "cherry" has been a presence on the web since before Movable Type was news, so she's not going anywhere too far for a long time and you love it. wonder if i should give kareah a heads up? she's prolly already had a look here. i can almost guarantee it, actually. it would just make sense to do a link exchange with her. or anyone. i'm looking to build my blogroll! any interested folks lemme know!

sigh, i'll be back to mis-managing my life on my own out-of-state soon. but hopefully, i'll have a special friend who makes passing time a little more interesting, if not pleasant like junior high crushes and rolling around in the carpet with older boys wearing spicy cologne. pleasant like teaching yourself how to smoke for the one night when you're so drunk that you absolutely NEED about three cigarettes to tilt your mind into a levelness. pleasant like losing your virginity and no one dying from it.

i promise that i had a purpose before i started typing. i just promise. but it evades me now for some reason.

oh, that's it.

but i'm not gonna combine something completely abstract and spiritual with random references to orgasms and trendy, oversize bags. i hope i don't forget to post about that because spiritually profound moments have been happening with a frequency very recently. i can't recall this from any other time.

"larry" txted my phone, or at least someone who had his phone at the moment txted me with "How u been?" when i tried to call back, though, i got some suspicious and lame-ass sounding excuse / lie about the phone being wet and that a txt would be the only way to communicate. i was disgusted by this point and had even forgot what i was going to say, so i very lamely told "larry" to go on with his life like i was doing and that i don't know why his number wasn't blocked from contacting me. whatever, dudes. it is written.

i know that this is the third reference to my hair in a few posts, but i'm going to take some vanity shots of myself with my new do when it's completed for entertainment purposes. haha, and hopefully some silly shots of around-campus lounging are coming more-than-likely while classes aren't difficult to the point of tears. "i don't wanna grow up," says the girl who is already quickly passing the acquired medical knowledge of her mother and aunt combined who are nurses in her home state. i'm still a kid, but i'll be wearing scrubs soon. i'm a child, but i know how to do a bacterial transformation and anatomical jargon is second nature to me.

anyways. i've updated my fiction blog and transferred it all to a more secure server. it's coming nicely. i surprise myself when i review what comes out of my mind at any time. it's all so personal and i can even make it art. i can even make it beautiful.