suffering's meaning and direction.

i've been thinking a lot--about mortality. about my mortality, about suffering, life, and meaning.

the meaning of life is relative to each person blessed enough to breathing right now. it's a duty of mine to fill each day of my life with some sort of significance, but sometimes all of my efforts get lost in the chaos of the universe while i'm fighting it: finals, money, my depression, my libran inability to make decisions... it all conflicts with productivity. i literally won't even be able to see straight and i feel like shit; i feel like i'm worth shit.

at moments like that, my direction and motivation are gone. i feel worthless and hopeless [yeah, i'm a bit of a drama queen. i'd like to thank the Academy.] at even darker hours when my threshold for suffering is being tested, i want to give up completely.

here's a mental note to myself.

"a meaning to life is realative to different people because life itself is relative; it lends itself to circumstance, position, etc. the only thing that living people have in common with each other is that we all are alive.. no one is responsible for your life--from your birth to the day that dirt is thrown in your face, you are your own person. people with terminal illnesses have life. people living in poverty have life. severely depressed people all have life and it's theirs! and if they're insightful enough, they don't give up. they go to school, they wake up each day, they drink coffee and brush their hair in efforts of doing something with the life that they have despite its particular circumstances. stop being a damned baby and be fabulous in your position."

 okay, i've snapped out of it. and when my cramps are gone, i'll actually get off of my ass!
----------------------------------
ALSO, my blog is going private / friends-only soon because i have a few annoying and juvenile no-lives buzzing in my ear. if you're interested in continuing a blog circle with me and reading my future protected posts about a lot more candid material [i'm not a virgin--who would have guessed?!], use the form in the previous post. it's there to protect your email address; only i'll see it.

ciao, mes cheres.

i've got fans and i'm a bitch [fixed and reposted]

okay! i've fixed the email form! go ahead and resubmit. same post, just spiffied up:

1. 4 return visits. 


2. i've got the IP addy
   


3. i can even kind of tell what area of town she stays in. 


4. referring link is that of one of my blogger friends. 


5. and this is NOT the first time that she's been so smart; look at my "advice" to her.
   

i feel really lame for being the target of a mindless internet grudge and i hate having to feel upset and angry! but some folks are just ape-shit crazy and don't know how to move on.

she's pregnant by my undeserving and sloppy leftovers, emailed me admitting to a sad and self-conscious struggle with trying to be "better" than me [poor girl, it will NEVER happen that way], and borrows folks' blogger friends, just like a mature mother, to fill her void of a life? looks like someone not only doesn't have a life but is trying to be a second-rate copy and live mine. it's a sad, sad thing when folks living in their own alternate realities can't see the truth, but it's entirely flattering! thank you, ladies and gentlemen.. i am thankful for every schizo fan..

i'm honestly never a bitch unless it is absolutely necessary. i'm tired of feeling like i'm throwing a mangy, stray cat away just for the thing to return because i fed it once! so to stop the feeding...

TP & PP is going "friends only" like my old LiveJournal days. here's to more candid posts and protecting your email addresses [and my ass] if you're interested! here's to me moving on and away again. here's to the world continuing to turn.

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girl love.

i'm still studying. and i'm starving, btw. someone go fetch me a Subway roasted chicken salad.

i've been a shitty presence in the blog world: been busy taking my fake girlfriend to buy wigs and spending way too much money at KFC. been camped out on my sofa reading at least three books at a time. i really just want to finish my finals and get home to my family and Andy's mother's cooking family. how is YOUR life?

hope that you're not wasting any time by being jealous. i'll explain:

aside from just filling your life with negative energy, jealousy and losing control of that emotion can lead you down a detrimental path and even cause you friend, or just some time you could be using to buy me groceries before i collapse.

Gala wrote a great article about girl love--and not the kind that Lindsey Lohan has for her DJ woman. it's short; go ahead and read it.

even if you don't want to be friends with a girl, definitely don't focus your energies on being nasty to her or even thinking nasty things about her. it's so trivial. instead, fix what it is inside of you that is weak enough and making you insecure enough to dislike her. and then avoid her. you don't have to love the bitch, but you don't want to go around getting wrinkles and being bitter with your "friends" while you all chain smoke and whisper bad things about people in the corner--not that i used to do this to everybody, that is.

when i was younger, i was bullied--ALOT. girls hated me, cut my hair, were nasty to me, tried to hit me, etc. and i didn't do anything to deserve it. i never did anything to cross them. i never looked for a fight. i pretty much stayed in my Francine Pascal's Fearless books and listened to *NSYNC [shut up]. at the time, it made me miserable and confused that these girls hated me so much, but now i've since chalked it up to jealousy.

and it's hilarious, because in my mind, i had nothing to be jealous of! the other girls were the ones with all of the friends and name-brand clothes! i was a loser with weird music and second hand clothes. i STILL have second hand clothes and i'm frankly pissed that being thrifty and vintage is in style now when i never had a choice otherwise! funny, funny, funny.

clearly it doesn't take a genius to fake confidence or happiness and it takes nothing less than a strong, fabulous woman to pursue genuine satisfaction.

right now, i'd say that i'm on a positive path, or at least i hope so: i love my family, i've developed some genuine friendships, i have a phenomenal man, i'm successful.. these are things that i didn't have to buy or force myself into for the convenience and comfort. hell, i was single for a damned year before me and Andy hooked up [it wasn't a rebound or desperation]. and if i ever find myself not liking a lady for whatever reason, i avoid her instead of wasting time and energy ranting about her--or i fix whatever is in myself that might make me jealous of her. because frankly, if i'm being the best person that i can be, then i don't have time to think about another woman, let alone dislike her for shit that she didn't even do to me!

but if some lady DOES do something to you, then disregard good reason and flat all of her tires with a knife.


i'm kidding. or, at least don't blame me if you get caught. be sneaky.

bummy-ex update.

more for my own records than anything. no comments. after larry called, my father, uncles, boyfriend, brothers, guy friends, etc. would have LOVED to have the number that he called from to politely [yeah right] tell my destitute and sad ex that he had better NEVER pull that again--if he has an ounce of concern for himself.

well one of the above persons tried to. the number was disconnected. what a punk move! larry called me right before he knew he couldn't be reached back because he didn't want to deal with reality and consequences. explains why he said "aww!" right before the phone hung up. i knew that he was immature/a bitch/generally an inept man when we were dating. what a lovely man to have around. just not around me.

i hope that he never contacts me again. it's been a good, long time since i've had to even remember that he really existed.

i've cut out the cancer a long time ago. with him. with "friends" who don't understand the concept of being loyal or genuine. with enemies. i pray for and smile at all of my debtors, especially the ones who can't take the hint that they're not supposed to be in my life anymore. it's been doing me good so far!

everyone have a fabulous Friday! be brave and genuine. smile a lot. love the place where you are currently and don't waver--especially if it's rewarding you!

my ex? FML.

exaggerating. F his L. i was in a Benadryl coma and i didn't recognize the number calling me and i answered it. and i was stuck listening to him hoping that i was a big person. i am.

me: hello?
ex: you still with Cingular?
me: Andy?
ex: you still with Cingular?
me: who is this?
ex: your worst nightmare..
me: *cough, cough* ow, headache! who?
ex: it's Larry.
me: oh, heh. hi.
ex: i'm living with some bipolar roommates and i've never thought that it was a real condition until now. i want to apologize for giving you crap about your mental problems when we were dating.
me: i'm not bipolar.
ex: oh.
me: i have depression. you apologized to the wrong girl! sorry. anything else? where's Kareah?

anyway, he obviously still felt like talking to me and our conversation got really sad. it was haha funny, but seriously my heart was breaking for his life: he doesn't work. he has a baby on the way. he abuses pot. Kareah is in school when she's about to pop, i think. Kareah probably isn't all too innocent herself. happy or not, she's in a bad place with her "man." how irresponsible of a mother. his sister thought that he was on crack and sent him a random "I love you Larry" txt message out of concern. he's living like both a hobbit and a sardine at his new place. his family is ignoring the problem like a pink elephant in the room. he's a barber from home and visits drug abusers' institutions for $50 a visit to make around $200 for rent. he's given up his dreams of a music career. he doesn't want to keep his baby and would rather pay a daycare than babysit his own kid during his long, empty days. he doesn't have faith in love anymore, even if he's living with the woman that he impregnated.

he's so bad off right now. my heart breaks for him. what advice is there for him? what could he do? he's not any of my concern anymore, but i hope that somebody in this wide world of ours does care about him. it's just so sad to watch someone pursue what makes them happy and then crash in the end. that's what his life is--a big crash / wreck. and he's dragging Kareah and a baby into it too! this isn't nearly ideal, or even healthy.

i'm seriously so disgusted that i can't even be mad. i would usually smirk to myself and say to him:
i'f you're going to leave me, upgrade! your fault and too bad for you!
wonder if your parents are happy now!
i'm SO glad that i was condom-crazy! no crack babies for me!
haha!

but this has transcended what i feel, or even what he feels. it's an obvious problem and i'm so glad that i'm not sharing it with him. i still wonder why he really called me. that bipolar shit was crap. it's not my place anymore to be on the other end of the phone with him. wonder if his baby's momma [he hasn't married her] knows that he called me. he needs to find comfort in his new family. Kareah is his partner of choice. he's going to be a daddy. he's got to grow up. there is NO need for him to call me anymore. God bless him and his mess.

SO glad that this is over. doesn't he just look like a piece of shit waiting to happen? at least it's not happening to ME now.

how else but through a broken heart may Lord Christ enter in?

i feel my depression taking a downward turn. i don't have motivation to blog or comment these days--sorry. not to mention, i've got a couple of exams to study for. i can't stay in a chipper mood all of the time! i need some space and time. i need my new book and tangible comfort. i need my family, my doctor, and my boyfriend [and maybe a new PS2 game]. hopefully Easter Break will be filled with this for me. it's about time for me to slow down and experience life. it's about time that somebody serenaded me and then did other stuff to me. i feel really awful, and i hate myself for getting like this. depression is a real issue and it should be managed. silly me for not taking care of myself! have a great week and i'll return all better very soon!

marital rape is legal

assuming the worst, that is. i almost threw up when i read this article from the Bust magazine website. apparently, a married woman can't refuse sex from her husband if this bill is passed. how disgusting. if that country doesn't want the world to think that it's full of monkeys, then a bad job is being done of it. i could spit in the supporters' eyes. don't fuck with me and women's rights.

on a lighter note:

TGIF!!! i need a break! i've been pissing blood thanks to a sanitation issue, but i'm better. i drove an hour away to be with my manfriend for the weekend while he was performing. credit card statements will go back to my house stating "EconoLodge." how classy. i literally walked up onto a celebrity downtown there: i noticed some old guys flirting with me, so i asked them for a light for my Andy's cigar since they were talking to me. turns out, one of them is C. L. Blast [and here]. he introduced himself and showed me a picture of himself with Isaac Hayes from way back when they used to perform together. then i asked him to sign my program. it was great. he had forgotten what year it was and it was so cute.

after we left the hotel together, one of Andy's teachers said to him "I know that you're gonna play good today!" the jazz performances were great. yes, Andy does it all. him and his university sounded divine and jazz isn't even my cup of tea.

i need another break soon. i miss singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" with Andy in the van. i miss kicking someone in my sleep. i don't miss nearly killing everyone on I-20 on my drive there and back for that weekend.

tried to pull the pregnancy joke on my mom for April 1st. she cursed me the fuck out and and told me to buy a test to make sure. then she said that she was coming after me with a clothes hanger. shit. she got the joke and started laughing and apologized for calling me a skank-ass whore. she was SO angry! it was funny how Andy went from being her "favorite son-in-law" to "that sorry motherfucker" in two seconds. Daddy laughed and said that he would choke the shit out of him until he turned purple--and marriage? no one is taking his daughter unless they're employed, have a house, two cars, and are damned near running for Congress first!

oh boy.


me and C.L. Blast and his signature both taken with my Pantech C150.

!!!

i'm excited and scared. after a skipped period and a month of feeling funny, i'll reveal that me and Andy are pregnant.

we're going to have a polka-dotted or a zebra-striped biracial baby. it's going to be gorgeous apparently if folks already literally stop and tell us that the "caramel-colored" babies [that i have no choice but to have] will be cute, cute, cute. our kids will learn to play fiddle/violin instead of watch TV. they'll read comics and classic stuff. we're having a courthouse wedding soon. we just need $30 for the license and matching syphilis tests. rings are inexpensive, but not important. we might go the sterling silver route. i won't be wearing the dress that i already have; i've got a suit. or maybe i'll just wear my high school cheerleading uniform. we'll eat at Taco Bell afterward and celebrate with sherbet punch and bootleg movies. i'll get a name change kit to officially be Cherry Dillon. my life will be complete.

my life will be over.







Happy April Fools' Day!
this has been a bad joke. i hope that i don't have to explain to anyone that my uterus is actually empty. no baby for me. i'm too selfish/broke/busy. hope that i've reminded you to use contraception! use a condom, shake hands, and be on your way!

some feminism.

entertain me if you're brave enough.

1. why don't more men take their wives' last name when they marry? why do so many people find it necessary to take the other person's last name anyway? i'm almost certain that i'll keep mine. maybe.
2. why is a woman's issue, such as fertility control facing such a reduction of rights at the legislation of men? they don't even have ovaries, but they can tell me what to do with my body. i call bullshit. as special as our bodies are, we should have special allowances. we shouldn't be punished for being great! c'mon Constitution! women are people too! ladies, "We shall overcome!"
   
3. WalMart won't sell PlanB. thanks guys!
   
4. there is a huge birth control price hike going on. this is counterproductive.
   
5. lots [way too many] states have unconstitutional holds on abortion access. many of the state legislators are men. i wish dumb folks like the governor from my home state could temporarily be disenfranchised when it comes to things like this. his backwater, redneck, tobacco dipping ass.. men like him make me want to cry.
6. sex toys can't be sold in my home state?!! as extremely hard as it is for a lady to reach orgasm through sex, now she can't even get pleasure from herself? but strip clubs are okay. and crimes like sexual harassment, domestic violence, and rape aren't punished harshly enough if you ask me. women have become the prisoners and slaves of their own society.
   
7. men have a defunct genome, but they're superior enough to rule over themselves and women since when? seriously guys: be sensitive to a woman's issue or don't vote. go jump off of a bridge. all in favor of a female monarch after Obama finishes being sexy in office say "Aye!"
   
8. Dead Men Don't Rape. men=monsters. sounds very radical and hateful. they aren't my exact sentiment. BUT they have some disgusting basis. sad to admit it. how many men do you know carry pepper spray with them at night?
   
9. wait a minute. you want me to to get a chemical burn to make sure that my legs are hairless. you want me to wear bras, impractical little heels, and face paint [because i don't look good enough]. i have to suck in my stomach, douche my vagina full of poison because you can't handle the way a real woman smells, cover up my body because you can't keep your eyes in your head... sounds like the other sex has a bit more of a problem with ladies do than we do with ourselves. almost sounds like society hates us. it's their problem. they should date men. or fuck dolls. when did feminine become synonymous to impractical? why oh why?
10. my period doesn't make me unclean or scary. it's the most beautiful thing that my body can do. i don't need to douse myself in perfume and limit my activity because the world is afraid of the wonderful thing that my body does. i am the instrument of Creation [only when i choose to be]!
11. i'm lesbian because i'm making sense to you? where is your logic, dude?! actually i might go lesbian because idiots like you make me actually want to date another being as out-of-it's-mind as me. hell, we can share shoes.
12. stop saying "chicks, cougars, creatures, sweetheart, cunts, etc" stop naming your instruments and cars after women. stop naming hurricanes and tropical storms and such women's names. stop it right now.
    

------------------------------
Go do this now
i know i'm pretty radical. it's my job, or nearly is. i can't wait to be the greatest gynecologist, most vocal woman's rights activist, president of my state's chapter of NOW, author of several books, etc.. but you don't have to be. leave the hard stuff up to the professionals! here is what you can do:

1. go to Planned Parenthood website and see what you can do to support progress in your area. don't have a facility in your state? there's your need for progress right there!
2. go to the NARAL website and see how woman friendly your state rates up. it can't be any more disgusting than my own.. my History teacher gave me that website in high school after i emailed out a petition against the governor's action and mailed him a letter! i love ladies with sense! so cool! i still got a C in her class...
3. go to the NOW website. i love them and they're always looking for support AND they'll mail you some really sweet stickers for your car!
4. go watch the Vagina Monologues. seriously!
5. Rihanna [or however you spell this misguided girl's name] is crazy. this website is not.
6. go to Bust.com! have fun!
   
7. dress as Wonder Woman or Poison Ivy! they're hot ladies, they're strong, and they don't let a man tell them what to do! who would dare?!
   

--------------------------------------------
i am NOT a man-hating [or Republican-hating], natural-smelling, bitter, cat owning, PMSing, boot-wearing lesbian person. sorry if i seemed so. don't let me scare you off. i actually love men. i generally want to put things up their asses for my pleasure. many men are wonderful. my brothers, my uncles, my boyfriend and his dad and brothers are all beautiful men. men do so much for me, for this country. they are heroes at war. they are protectors, they are single parents. they are amazing lovers. they can be the most polite gentlemen and some of the most intelligent people i'll ever know, unless they happen to be the governor of a very damned, very Red, very backwards state. some of the raddest feminists are men and i thank them for their support. i do not believe that women are superior [even if we are pretty rad]. i support equal relations and respect among all human beings, no matter what gender or sex that they identify with. if you want to take issue with something i've posted, go ahead. it's healthy and i might have been a bit violent and obsessive. i just want everyone to recognize how amazing ladies are! i'll admit it--i'm not perfect! only very nearly so.

and then, of course, my Libra senses tell me to equally rant against the stupid, useless, disgusting women blighting the face of the earth. but that is another post that i will have just as much fun with.


YUCK, right?! thx, here.

sad and scary. wtf?

i got this in my inbox. it's hilarious and just a tad bit scary. shyeah, there are typos galore and it doesn't even matter:

"come on now I kno U get told all the time how beautiful because its only the truth how do you feel about about me so far? how would you feel the most comfortable confiding with me about eachother I could really enjoy ur friendship an companionship baby I would be that some1 u could grow to trust an maybe one day love thats whats up.. 4 the most part I could see myself holding you on the beach under the moonlight watching firworks b4 we go to the condo an get in the hot tubb or just holding hands as we walk where the water rushes on our feet an buries our toes in the sand if we see a lil sand crab an you become affraid I will carrie you Im being serious with you R U down to get 2kno me an see how I broke the mold you'll never meet any 1 like me again they could not duplicate my style if I sold them the blu print but dont think I am boastful b/cause I NOT but I am confident in myself I kno you could respect my hustle an I bet your a girl who would be down for her man???"

for the record, this is from a a cute white guy. doesn't matter, just illustrating here. how does he know that i respond well to such jargon? in other words, does he think that just because i'm black i'm willing to "respect [his] hustle?" i can only wonder.

also for the record, this is a little scary and hopefully some other girl [of any race] can "be down" for this man because it just isn't me. protect yourselves online. there are some true creepers out there. it's funny and it's sad. i'm SO lol'ing at the sand crab bit.

.

i just left my car blasting a Danzig song--the perfect one, i will add--and i'm so full of thoughts from fresh experiences that i could scream again.

so i've unfortunately come to terms that i don't have a best friend anymore and that i my exes are not my friends over and over again at each painful encounter, intimate or not. and it's embarrassing to feel physically pushed away instead of just rejected. it's embarrassing to have to live such base rejection. it's maddeningly anger-inducing to not ever be on the side that's protecting itself, being selfish, pushing someone away from their car door so that they can leave, saying "Goodbye" in a shitty tone.

and then i'm pissed at her and i'm so fucking angry at him [angry atm e for letting him] that i'm blasting the radio and actually driving the speed limit away and Danzing's "Mother" drills itself in my head..

i don't wanna find Hell with anyone else but myself. he is not my Scarecrow God, and she is no gift. i am [cliché, but absolutely true] my own best thing and i'm the shit. i don't need to hang off of anyone else's power and allure for my own. i possess it already and i should recognize that.

i fucking hate egocentricism.

i was in Fondren today at the coffee house and everything looked sickeningly uniform for such a funky part of town. everyone had the same bumper stickers. every girl had the same haircut and dress. every guy had the same box of cigarettes and ordered the same flavor if iced tea. i was there looking to the left at the skate shop where this celebrity fella used to worked and still hangs out at hoping that he'd pop out from behind the bushes. the same guy who treated me like a groupie because i basically gave him the go-ahead. the guy with the [ugly] girlfriend. makes me sick to my stomach after he did what it is that he did to me. looked to the right and was expecting my ex to show up like he said that he would just to shoot the breeze with a familiar person. none of the cars passing down the street were his. i puffed at my cigarettes and felt more lonely than i had in a long time.

in more details, the celebrity guy that i was almost certain was gonna come to his senses and sense my girlfriend potential and make it official for me txted--for a booty call. exciting? yeah. i even drove to his house and he doesn't care about how my photo shoot went. even larry asked me how it went and how much i was paid. the celebrity guy just asked me what i was doing later with every intent on cheating on his girlfriend with me--AGAIN. i said something that was no way involved with him, the movie theatre. not some dumb hotel party tonight and he asked me to get back at him later. i said "Maybe" with a smile, but i still said maybe with all the intentions of "No." hope he got it. i won't be taking any more of his games, won't be going over his fabulous space for anime and nookie after midnight. it's just so funny how we were potentially REALLY good mates, beautiful i'd even venture to say. and now i have to deal with what he did to me for the rest of my life and wonder if i'll ever find some beautiful guy that doesn't leave me wanting for anything.

kind of a depressing topic when alone at the coffee house with nothing but a raspberry tea and Marlboro Lights for company.

whatever, bitch[es].

im so stupid and am having some sour luck because this is the second time that i'm trying to publish this post. i fucking called him i called larry and some [im assuming] woman picked up. didnt say anything, though. all i heard was larry yell at [perhaps] her, "no!"

offensive, disrespectful, confusing, devastating when i need it least. went to walmart in my leggings not to let the old men who work there stare me down and say, "Jesuss..."

i have a vague coffee date tomorrow.

im so fucking stupid. i fucking called him and some [im assuming] woman picked up. didn't say anything, though. all i heard was larry yell at her, "no!"

offensive, sad, confusing, devastating when i need it least. went to walmart in my leggings and let the old men working there stare at my ass and say "Jesus.."

have a vague coffee date tomorrow.

no words.

okay. this is old:
----------------------

Monday, January 01, 2007

LARRY CAN KISS BETWEEN MY TOES. HIM AND HIS MOMMA. Current mood: devious Category: Life THIS IS FUNNY AS HELL. I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY. DON'T LIKE IT, KISS MY ASS. YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ELSE TO ME. MY BOYFRIEND IS ALREADY GONE. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------According to the McGee's, i am lucifer. i am unsuitable to marry their son. they have their wish. they should go celebrate. Camile [his mother who teaches at Chastain, Chastain folk, you know who i'm talking about], Laurie, and whoever else can all go be elated in their holiness and uprightness, pretentiousness, hypocrisy. it is so funny what happened today. i saw larry on MySpace and messaged him out of habbit; the conversation was casual enough at first. "yeah, i heard that song!" "that's cool!" and then the heavy stuff. i don't know how it happened but we were arguing online. i kept telling larry that he broke up with me and i'm still standing you son-of-a-bitch and no you can't have anything from me! and larry kept incriminating me of bullshit. see my language, McGees? i AM the fucking DEVIL. the guy got me crying and told me that he didn't want me completely out of his life. sounds familliar, huh, amber? i told him that NO, you can't have that from me! none of my heart can be yours! a relatrionship like that causes more drama than necessary, ladies listen to me. he gave me the damned number and i took it like the pathetic little bitch that i was feeling like. that lasted a minute until Mrs. Smith got involved. she told me to get rid of it and tell that little boy to go to hell and kiss the inside of my ass in the bad way. so i texted larry back saying thanks, but no thanks. your cell is not doing me a favor. go on with your life. and where in the hell did this new cell phone come from? the broke bastard cant afford to feed me but he has a new cell phone? he's probably been lying to me and has had it all along... whatever. i deleted his number; i honestly can't remember it. whatever girl is calling him now, have fun, bitch!!!! i call the boy at his house--the only number that i know by heart, by memory, and told him that i was coming over to get my shoes that i left over there. i get there and ring the doorbell and larry is not at the door. Mr McGee answers and asks "who is it?" i say cheniece about 3 times, as if he can't remember the only girl who is dumb enough to put up with his son-in-law. the screen/gate part of the door is still closed and he HANDS ME THE SHOES THROUGHT THE DOOR!!!!! like feeding a goat at the petting zoo!!!! i have four feet now like the bitch that i am! anyway. before i can ask why they have locked me outside, Mr. McGee says that he can't unlock the gate; he can't find his key. then larry's momma says that larry is in the tub, so couldn't come in.... WHICH DAMNED EXCUSE DO YOU WANT TO USE???? whatever, i don't want holy water to burn my skin anyways. why didn't larry come to the door? i want him to see me standing. I'M STILL STANDING, LARRY! I'M STILL STANDING, CAMILLE AND LAURIE, HELENA, AND WHOEVER ELSE CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF TRYING TO RUIN ME. the fact is, your son' your brother doesn't DESERVE ME, BITCH! Other Grievances Against Larry and his Hipocritical Family 1) What kind of Christians have room to judge me as unsuitable when one of their daughters have a daughter of her own out of wedlock? 2) What kind of Christians have room to judge me as unsuitable when their son is bringing weapons to school? 3) What kind of boyfriend spends 2 thousand on a guitar and not two dollars on a hot dog. Not to mention he couldn't pay for tuition at school and wants me to be sympathetic to him having to scrounge up money for that instead of treating me? Manage your damned money, you broke-ass loser! 4) What kind of guy won't kiss and show affection to me? TO ME? I'm fucking beautiful! I THINK THAT LARRY IS GAY ANYWAY. HE'S TOO HOMOPHOBIC TO BE COMFORTABLE WITH HIS SEXUALITY. thank goodness we didn't have unprotected sex, or else I would have had AIDS. that's right, he wasn't screwing me is because he prolly daydreams about the same guys that I do! 5) How is your momma going to tell me who to marry when she is on her second husband herself? Let's see: she can't even call him by his first name and has to settle for "Mr' McGee" because his first name is LARRY, the name of her UNSUITABLE FIRST HUSBAND, and the name of her LOSER SON. 6) Why would a suitable guy refuse to go to the PROM with me? 7) What kind of broke-ass joke can't afford to attend a football game to to watch me perform? He had to wait outside until the end of the fourth quarter several times to pick me up, only so he could cock block any guys that would talk to me while saving five dollars. 8) He doesn't treat me like a fucking princess. 9) He doesn't like me weraring a wig when his momma owns TWO OF EM. 10) I could go on easily. I SO DON'T CARE IF I HURT HIS FEELINGS. I ONLY TOLD THE TRUTH! GOODBYE, LARRY. I TOLD YOU IT WOULD BE TOO SIMPLE TO GET OVER YOU. hope you and your family have had fun in ruining your life. i hope you don't turn gay like all of the signs are pointing to. have fun cutting NIGGAZ hair. hope none of them have AIDS and bleeds on you when you cut them with those crooked-ass lines to attempt to do. i'm ready to go to Hooters and talk to fine-ass guys who have plenty of time and interest for me, not to mention--real jobs and money.

-----------------------
now to add on to the list:
he let's his old hoodrat friends ruin my life. won't support me when i'm dealing with the police and lawyers about to lose my space on campus. tells the bitch that she can move in with him afterwards while me and him are still together. i confront him about it and he goes fishface. says that he wouldn't do it. does it anyway. bitch is sleeping in his bed with him today. larry still can't be a man for me, support me, defend me, or just even be there. and this little hood rat bitch gets all of his resources. well, his family should be proud. kareah is obviously so likable. she's a near felon and classless. i don't see how she's been a family babysitter for so long. i don't give a damn if she's funky, can play guitar, and dresses like a dyke. i thought that real men wanted REAL women. if larry is okay for settling for something that prolly has a bigger penis than he does, then it's all good. i have simply gone through way too much with larry over the past year. it's obviously not meant to be. him, his sorry family, and his sorry friends can go make a happy life with their righteous attitudes.

geez, i guess i can't do worse so here's to definitely looking up. thanks best friend and all of the other sensible friends out there who are helping me see through this. you were right: i should have never got back involved with him to begin with. good luck to any other girls who tries anything with him. maybe she'll be stupid and classless enough to enjoy the treatment--kind of like kareah!

another stupid guy.

you know i normally don't post actual names, but the REALLY STUPID ones have to be allowed for laughs when i need one later.

-------------------------------------

Lyrickz

Between You and Joey aka Lyrickz

Joey aka Lyrickz

Today at 1:10am

What it do,

I just launched my Facebook Muscian's Page, and i'd apprecite it for real if you could stop by and check it out. Ya know, listen to a few songs (if you havent already), become a fan if you like, and share the news with your friends/enemies/teachers/parole officers...real talk. I got a coupla potentially big things in the works and i want to include everyone who's interested in them.

Check it out sometime,
Lyrickz.

10-4

Lyrickz

Musician

68 fans - Become a Fan

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Cherry Shonté

Today at 1:12am

no.

This message is branched from a previous thread. Show thread historyHide thread history .

Joey aka Lyrickz

Today at 1:18am

...i expected that from you.
eh w/e

Cherry Shonté

Today at 1:20am

:)

Cherry Shonté

Today at 1:21am

then why even add me to the thread and then click submit?

Joey aka Lyrickz

Today at 1:22am

cause im in the rhythm. Im on the S's. I started not to, since you never respond to any mass message you happen to get from me, but i added you just in case tonite you were feeling especially good...

..guess you arent

Cherry Shonté

Today at 1:29am

since when do i have to be "extra good" to go looking at stuff that i'm not interested in? sorry you didn't know that i don't really care about all of that and didn't get the drift. i guess i should apologize because you assume what i care about and cant take a hint? im sure as hell NOT going to become a "fan" of someone just because they ask me to, especially if they were a friend first. that's for people to do out of blind adoration, which i don't have for you.

sorry?

Joey aka Lyrickz

Today at 1:35am

You're wrong...

See the MAJORITY of my fb friends ARE familar with my music (most VERY familiar), so they already know what the deal is. You think i'd even find 60 som'n people willing to go thru the trouble of adding a application to their already-clutterd profile simply because a nobody asked them to? BE FOR REAL MA.
As far as cant take a hint, people only take what you give them. Last time i checked, i didnt read minds, ma...sorry.
Whether YOU become a "fan" or not is not really a big issue. After all, if you cant tell, that message is entirely copied and pasted and wasnt constructed SOLELY for the purpose of luring YOU in. Frankly i couldnt care less being that all it took was two clicks to add you to that thread anyway...no big loses over here.

blind adoration...thats cute

10-4

Cherry Shonté

Today at 1:43am

you be for real.
so i apologize again for not being one of your best buddies and caring?
i still dont see where i'm wrong... i just see that if you didn't expect me to click, then you shouldn't have wasted your two seconds to add me to your copy and paste message and waste both of our time, right? dont get pissed when i tell you how i feel about you cluttering my inbox. simple and makes sense, right?
im not any of your "ma" by the way buddy. oh wait, i'm not even your buddy cuz i dont care about your music. its obviously a crime. take me to jail for not being a groupie to some unoriginal idea?

bye! i'll block you from contacting me now and you can tell all of your friends how big of a bitch i am and i can tell all of mine how smart you are. how is THAT for not a big loss? i think that i actually win!!! yay!!! ♥♥♥

Joey aka Lyrickz

Today at 1:49am

The mind is capable of rationalizaton to the highest degree of irrationality, i tell ya. If that sensless reply makes you feel you won, then who am i to take away your "joy".

Frankly no cares about you not liking my music, im sure more than a few dont....most just arent little bitches about it. But you seem to already know that about yourself, and i found out you cant do anything to a bitch who knows she's a bitch. So w/e...i'll be that.

You're not my "ma"...? C'mon MA, thats the classic, suburban, corny observation. As i said before....BE FOR REAL.

And if you have a problem receiving the one or two messages a year i send you,then delete me. Trust me, i wont be crying myself to sleep tonight over it.

BIG LOSS.
WOW.

Cherry Shonté

Today at 1:58am

well PA, or whatever:
yeah, it really is. go pound your chest for agreeing that i'm a bitch. such a big loss for me too! go take your suburban lingo and "music" to people who care and arent little bitches about it now.

i'll delete this message like i did with your others and put you on my block list now like i do with all the other wastes of my time.

again, so sorry about your obviously bad or underthought decision to bother someone who is obviously uninterested [only if you're smart enough]. i'm such a bad person and this all such a HORRIBLE loss to me, i assure you [so says a future author and physician]!!!!

oh, boo me darling!
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and now his status is for me to be taken off of his penis. who's more wrong? me for possibly being a bitch, or this guy who is all out of substance and has to resort to a sexual war. oooh, a penis! i'm scared and offended out of my mind at his ignorance!!! why would i ever have his probably AIDS-stricken member when there are so many better ones out there? ones that are on men with DEGREES and culture [not to mention real careers along with their art]?

larry really sucks, simply.

i'm so through with larry and trying to accommodate his ways by sacrificing my own comfort.. that isn't to say that i've ever expected him to be perfect, or that i'm even a perfect person on my own. hell, i've cheated on him before--more than once. and this reason that i've ended now, he's fucked up in the same way more than once [in the past couple of months, even]. he's just so awful. he can't be a man in any way except when it comes to telling me to respect him [while he's doing bitchy stuff like talking to kareah and trying to bring the bitch back home so she can ruin his life there]. i'm so outdone by his behavior... let's just say that i haven't abandoned him when it comes to his health and welbeing, or let my insane-ass sister with the bastard baby try to jump him because he's still in college [he's not, by the way], or let my mother put him out... i could go on, but the fact of the matter is that larry is a coward, cheap-o, immature, unfair, bitch specimen of the trashiest of men.

that's all.

he sucks for me.

i don't ask for jewelry. one engagement ring after three or four years of dating doesn't count. i don't ask for shopping sprees of fabulous. expensive clothing. my only vice is that i like good food, not at ritzy restaurants, but at [get this] Hooters!

he tells me he loves me. disses me in front of his friends before i have literally add two and two together for him to see. i told him how inappropriate it is for him to be visiting exes that he has screwed, almost kook-ups, and the like at midnight when i don't know about it. the bitch he visited even called him back and told him it wasn't cool because she was with her man. sounds proper. larry should have been somewhere where he belonged, with the woman he declared his love to.

now i've fucking broke up with him and he doesn't give a shit. he's gonna go get with some girl who doesn't want him, some bitch with loads of money who will buy him all of the fucking incense and Heineken beer that he wants. he'll never have to feed her or be a man for her.

fuck that.

court, anyone. and not just from this. i'm living a BAD lifetime movie. it's funny, really. a tad scary.

Rescue Me from my pica?

i feel like listening to some old Blink 182--that should reveal my current mood with no problem, right? i don't like being a weird fucker. i don't like being sick. i don't like not making sense in relation to what is healthy..

i'm eating baby powder out of the palm of my hand because i like the texture. i owe it to my mild pica. it's insane. i wish that i could call my mother and whine until she calls me "her baby" and makes kissy noises at me. i wish that my "boyfriend" could grant me some sort of comfort in this mess that i've found myself in. honestly, if he's only adding to my already threatening stress, well, i don't really need to finish that thought.

a certain guy that i have been all BUT running down is giving me the famous cherry treatment: answers a few calls with a genial attitude, smiles and flirts enough to get your hopes slightly elevated while not promising anything, then not following through with your hopes because that never was the intention, at all. not at all.

i may be calling it all wrong, or so i hope, but there you go: i'm calling it.

sick to the stomach of chemicals. tired of the insane partying with people who don't deserve my sacrifices sometimes. got a job that's stressing me out and not a car to get to it and to be independent enough to save myself from things that i would!

realistically however, i've got to balance the bad with good, correct? i mean, i'm a fucking libra and can't even balance a piece of writing!
-------------------
i made it through a premiere hearing. it was a little nervous for me, but i'm sure the girl who was defending herself hung her own self, or at least i hope that she did. yay for progress, even if it's slow. who knows what will happen next, but it will probably be in my favor!

also, spring break is in a week for me, which means being home and eating good food!!! OMG. and if i haven't made a different decision by then, there will also be alone time at a certain Mister's apartment and unrestricted nookie for hours and hours until we both walk funny. hope i didn't weird anyone out: i'm an adult and it ain't criminal to enjoy THAT.

i did my own nails and they turned out decent. i finished some last minute assignments pretty much on time or only a few days late. i can make it up. chemistry is getting easier. i have a quiz tomorrow to shine on. i've got a few dollars in my pocket and i've seen some of the third season of Rescue Me over a friend's room! i LOVE getting burned when i play with that fire. what a sexy old man.

alright. i'm gonna study some more and not obsess over what isn't mine and probably should never be. hell, what is mine happens to be sucky as fuck when it comes to priorities. i'll straighten my hair and wear pretty makeup tomorrow to feel better.

ciao.