no baby so no fathers' day!!!

what?

yeah.

me and andy headed out to stare at a cup of my urine while we waited for the strip to turn pink. one line; not pregnant, right?


then where were my lady days for an additional week? i never thought that i would actually wish them upon myself. there was a lot of sitting on my ass and waiting and worrying and acquiring some Yaz.

what if i was pregnant? even if i doubted it with good reasoning severely.. am i ready to get fat, sacrifice my time and money or andy's time and money to raise some bad-ass little zebra-striped biracial baby?

well, i'm obviously not. and good thing, too. i have nothing to worry about! i have the Pill to take now. andy is gorgeous. my legs are all smooth. andy's parents are out of state for an entire week which gives me and him free reign over that big ole house... but i'm bleeding. i even blessed his thigh mid-nookie with the surprise of no babies. FAIL.

and i feel like shit. happy fathers' day to anyone! [not me and andy :)] ciao.

bummy-ex update.

more for my own records than anything. no comments. after larry called, my father, uncles, boyfriend, brothers, guy friends, etc. would have LOVED to have the number that he called from to politely [yeah right] tell my destitute and sad ex that he had better NEVER pull that again--if he has an ounce of concern for himself.

well one of the above persons tried to. the number was disconnected. what a punk move! larry called me right before he knew he couldn't be reached back because he didn't want to deal with reality and consequences. explains why he said "aww!" right before the phone hung up. i knew that he was immature/a bitch/generally an inept man when we were dating. what a lovely man to have around. just not around me.

i hope that he never contacts me again. it's been a good, long time since i've had to even remember that he really existed.

i've cut out the cancer a long time ago. with him. with "friends" who don't understand the concept of being loyal or genuine. with enemies. i pray for and smile at all of my debtors, especially the ones who can't take the hint that they're not supposed to be in my life anymore. it's been doing me good so far!

everyone have a fabulous Friday! be brave and genuine. smile a lot. love the place where you are currently and don't waver--especially if it's rewarding you!

freaking out!

these are the days that make me question why i want to be a smarty-pants. sorry for not blogging, commenting, hanging out in cyberspace as usual. but my research based cell bio class is a pain in the ass and in the head. i'll get back to normal after this exam in the morning (and i have lots to blog about). 'till then, im here in the library with a buddy holding my head and eating a textbook or two. wish me luck! wish me no sleep!

i feel old and wear my trousers rolled.

[Photo Credit] me and my camera phone! that's a lotta beer bong. and gotta love the guy in the cape.

a buddy  of mine whom i haven't seen in months told me something today that made me sad, but i just responded to him with one of my bright smiles and graceful nods. it was fake, of course; thanks, cheerleading! i was sitting in the café with my Italian sandwich and Chuck Palahniuk book and he greeted me all warmly. we started talking about the past and i hinted at my upcoming birthday. so, the guy told me that i'm getting old.

duh, duh, dunnnn!...

yeah. thanks, buddy. i'm turning the big 2-0 soon and it's scary for me, alright? there are physical age and psychological age to contend with; they are two separate beasts. don't joke about either, or i'll stab you in the neck with this fork! i don't feel like growing up. i don't feel like an adult. i don't want to get old when i'm not ready to do so! i understand now when women stay "23" for five years at a time. hell, my grandmother has been "40" since i was born.

so in elucidation of the twenty-something adult life, i'm going to just wax on where my life is now that i'm soon to be saying adieu to my teenage days.

this "adult" loves being lazy when she can afford to. she still giggles when she can skip an unimportant class meeting and it feels like hooky in high school. she likes hanging out over her friends' apartment and playing video games until it gets dark. she likes hanging over their balcony when all 15 of them go outside with their cigarettes and trash talk political figures, school administration, and your mom. she looks forward to the weekends: dressing up in black dresses, having drinks , and listening to the cover band perform some David Bowie or Guns n Roses. she likes getting off of work from Hooters and blowing her tips on rounds of cranberry and vodka.

she can easily pull on a pair of slacks and a chemise for class discussions, meetings, and debates. she can pull her hair back and wear subdued makeup as she takes notes on Organic Chemistry. she concentrates like nobody's business when she draws a molecule and shows its hybridization at different carbon atoms, and as she sits in any one of her professor's offices and nods and promptly proposes to them plans for her thesis, etc. she can keep contact with the president of her future medical school and return his emails. she can speak French and plan her abroad trip to l'Auvergne maybe. she can keep herself busy in planning her career and getting her adult life off of the ground [because, baby it's happening quickly]. 

but sometimes she still likes watching IuYasha on the weekends with a box of pizza while listening to some old Blink 182. speaking of which!:

"That's about the time she broke up with me
No one should take themselves so seriously
With many years ahead to fall in line
Why would you wish that on me?
I never want to act my age
What's my age again?
What's my age again?

What's my age again?"--Blink 182 "What's My Age Again"

i love those guys! and they hit the nail right on the head! here's a tribute of sorts to me growing up and to whatever fabulous world awaits me now. i'm excited and scared, but i know that i can welcome the new life gracefully. even when i'm the cosmopolitan and gorgeous francophile Surgeon Burton [hee, hee--not my current last name if you know what i mean], there will ALWAYS be the time for some InuYasha, damnit!

sad and scary. wtf?

i got this in my inbox. it's hilarious and just a tad bit scary. shyeah, there are typos galore and it doesn't even matter:

"come on now I kno U get told all the time how beautiful because its only the truth how do you feel about about me so far? how would you feel the most comfortable confiding with me about eachother I could really enjoy ur friendship an companionship baby I would be that some1 u could grow to trust an maybe one day love thats whats up.. 4 the most part I could see myself holding you on the beach under the moonlight watching firworks b4 we go to the condo an get in the hot tubb or just holding hands as we walk where the water rushes on our feet an buries our toes in the sand if we see a lil sand crab an you become affraid I will carrie you Im being serious with you R U down to get 2kno me an see how I broke the mold you'll never meet any 1 like me again they could not duplicate my style if I sold them the blu print but dont think I am boastful b/cause I NOT but I am confident in myself I kno you could respect my hustle an I bet your a girl who would be down for her man???"

for the record, this is from a a cute white guy. doesn't matter, just illustrating here. how does he know that i respond well to such jargon? in other words, does he think that just because i'm black i'm willing to "respect [his] hustle?" i can only wonder.

also for the record, this is a little scary and hopefully some other girl [of any race] can "be down" for this man because it just isn't me. protect yourselves online. there are some true creepers out there. it's funny and it's sad. i'm SO lol'ing at the sand crab bit.

court, anyone. and not just from this. i'm living a BAD lifetime movie. it's funny, really. a tad scary.

way susperstitious.

mom had a dream that dad died last night. today she dreamed it again. the two have been arguing again. when i was taking a nap after class, i dreamt that dad gave mom a present with a number "2" on it. mom looked at it and told dad that he is in trouble. so when she called me about an hour and a half ago about her dreams, i was at first too unconscious to care. i got oriented and immediately called her back to tell her about my own dream. she told me to call dad and to tell him to be careful. i called his house and he's not there.