updates straight from the university girl.

i swear [of course i do--all of the time] that it's 127 degrees outside. consider for a moment that i am waaaay too uncomfortable to assume coherence, let alone remember to utilize alt symbols. the shoes are off and the manicured toes, as well as a bit more internal side of me is exposed.

i'm not too proud to say that i am having a little too much fun here. me and my roommate both have escaped prison by the skin of our teeth, i think is what i'm supposed to say? she's committing a near felony while i'm settling for vandalism like some thirteen-year-old boy. i don't know what's up; it must be in the air.

trying not to gain the dreaded fifteen pounds right now. i see firsthand how quickly it can come up on you. vanilla ice cream is so good!!! this whole walking 1 000 miles to class thing should counter an weight gain well, i should say. so that means that i can go scarf down some sweets from the Belgian waffle bar then, right?

my room resembles home, i.e there is no visible floor, only clothes and books and food everywhere. have got to do something about that before the semester ends. my boyfriend is supposedly coming to visit for labor day/ first game day weekend. i should see him tomorrow night until monday evening. if i was feeling exactly naughty enough i would share that article about the oral sex Head Candy i found last evening. i'll save it for another article, it seems. oh well, go Google it, or something.

àdieu.

welcome campus. bleh, whatever. like the old woman at the bus stop said: "woo, i can't wait to get back home to Mississippi!"

why do people do that?

i have spent the bulk of my day--i'm talking serious hours here--on facebook. now, while there are a buttload of nonsensical venues for entertainment at this particular site within my own networks, i found myself attracted at doing the negative thing. i indulged myself in looking at old prom photos, photos of the time when i was with someone, when i was happy, when i wasn't leaving home in a week. photo after photo i gazed at remembering the old feelings that i had and more importantly, the feelings that i don't have now. why am i so attracted to causing myself this unnecessary pain? am i not hurt enough already? is there some secret catharsis that my greater self doesn't know about that is bound to happen? i'm clueless and in ill spirits.

the fact is that i don't want to be forced to be alone. i don't want to be pushed into other people who are just going to use me and make me uncomfortable. i can't/won't trust any of them. i'm too jaded to find any real relationships, no matter where i go, and i'm frankly just scared of the change.

right now, i'm just telling myself to get by because it's what i really need to do. i'm being a Stoic, bearing all of this weight with no sight into the future, or even a friend to talk to. i find myself sighing in desperation that the next breath will bring me some sort of clarity.

it never does.

the chicken.

i'm telling you that the stupid chicken crossed the road to say "Hallelujah."
mangled messages gleaned from scratching my skin raw and looking out of windows are aided by tears that soak my pillow and slip out of my eyes while i lounge around without the energy to lift myself and stand in the sunlight. i'm so good at doing all of the bad things all of the time. de temps en temps i manage to escape to some elevated plane of existence where nothing is physical and all spiritual, which only makes me cry a little bit more. so praying, or not--i'm a little whimpering baby who is going to die one day, anyway.

i have food poisoning. i'm dizzy from some nasty, little pill that i took. i had to have something shoved up my ass against my intestine wall. my tummy hurts. i feel feverish. i have only been awake an hour since about midnight.

how is your life?

how else, but through a broken heart?

wow. i'm so sick of every post being about how some guy has done me wrong. i'm not a dummy; i know that i do it to myself... larry said that he wasn't going to change-not couldn't, but wouldn't. emmett can't settle for me right now... i have issues, i know. i don't have a father; i have this incessant need to have some big, strong man in my life. and more than likely, i play the fool and leave myself in unhealthy positions just for the security.

larry broke it off because he found out that i cheated; at least he has good grounds. i cheated because i got sick and tired of voicing how larry mistreated me and how i didn't deserve it [it was never a good situation, you see]. momma kept telling me how that this was going to happen and that larry wasn't worth it; i need to go to college and have fun with other amazing guys who know how to treat me and enjoy dating around. well, now me and larry are through and he can go stay with erica, some older woman who gives him a place to stay and has no expectations of him except to come home. larry was also more than happy to let me know that he has a new job now, which pays a lot better, as if i'm supposed to be upset about all of the money that i'm missing! :/ it was never about his money! i never needed his money, only respect, but i really hope that erica has everything that she wants out of larry and that he spends everything that he can on that woman. somebody deserves to be happy. maybe they're just meant to be together?

here is to no more silly little posts about silly little boys and the problems that they cause. now i can go on and concentrate on loving myself!

btw: the quote that i used for the title is from Oscar Wilde's lovely poem, "The Ballad of Reading Gaol." seems that prison will do things to you...

"Ah! happy they whose hearts can break
And peace of pardon win!
How else may man make straight his plan
And cleanse his soul from Sin?
How else but through a broken heart
May Lord Christ enter in?"