ahhh!!! :D

i haven't stopeed screaming/crying since yesterday when it happened! what does this mean? will i stop being so cool? will i gain weight? will i get pregnant [HEL NO!]?

more than likely, i'll just continue to be fabulous with this ring on my finger. i'll post the whole proposal story later and upload it to our wedding website. that. guy. is. smart. and i'm damned lucky and SO HAPPY! i'm in a cloud of love so thick it's making other people sick! haha--and my mom told Andy "no givsies backsies!" after she expressed how glad she was to get rid of me :D

no baby so no fathers' day!!!

what?

yeah.

me and andy headed out to stare at a cup of my urine while we waited for the strip to turn pink. one line; not pregnant, right?


then where were my lady days for an additional week? i never thought that i would actually wish them upon myself. there was a lot of sitting on my ass and waiting and worrying and acquiring some Yaz.

what if i was pregnant? even if i doubted it with good reasoning severely.. am i ready to get fat, sacrifice my time and money or andy's time and money to raise some bad-ass little zebra-striped biracial baby?

well, i'm obviously not. and good thing, too. i have nothing to worry about! i have the Pill to take now. andy is gorgeous. my legs are all smooth. andy's parents are out of state for an entire week which gives me and him free reign over that big ole house... but i'm bleeding. i even blessed his thigh mid-nookie with the surprise of no babies. FAIL.

and i feel like shit. happy fathers' day to anyone! [not me and andy :)] ciao.

so tickled pink and just tickled!

• i'm getting all of the "inseparable" moments i want with my boyfriend. i go to most of his performances. his family adores me. i almost killed his sister and cousin on the way out to a blues club. the family babies all play with me and make me polish their toenails and read books to them [i should start charging]. 


• my parents are bitching me out like they used to do when i lived here. i managed to call my little brother an "asshole" at the top of my lungs  before breakfast today. my accent is back. i'm re-learning directions and learning new ones that i should have always had in the back of my head.


• there are little bad-ass kittens to raise. Sons of Anarchy returns soon. my period is over... i could explode with bliss.


• and me and Andy are on a bet / game in which we abstain from sex [and i'm talking any type of nookie] for an entire week. four more days to go. i feel like that Ramones song: "24 hours to go, I wanna be sedated..." the man was in such a foul mood yesterday... wonder why. haha!! i love it when he can barely keep his hands off of me hunts me down on the bed [or floor or car backseat or against the side of the house] out of unchecked lust. the longer our "fast" lasts, the more intense things will be when it's over. YES! i hope that i survive any encounter after these next four days. i'll check back in ;)
  

thanks!

i'm back and i DO feel so much better! thanks for all of the encouragement! i needed it badly and soon i'll get back to being so overly optimistic [is there a such thing?] that i'll have to encourage each of my readers everyday. how does that sound?

my break was fab. ate a helluva lot. i needed to desperately because all of my jeans are falling off of my booty. gotta ask Santa for some tush for Xmas. not even a dog wants just a bone!

stayed home an extra day. successfully lied to my parents about it, although they wouldn't have really cared. Andy's father saw us sneaking out of the house early this morning when he had no previous idea that i had even spent the night. oops. i'm positive that his parents are aware of the nature of our relationship, but who wants to acknowledge the evidences until a ring is involved? now Andy has to deal with the coming confrontation while i'm back in my apartment conditioning my hair! hee hee! poor Baby of mine! it's like high school again..

anyway, i'm crying at wedding photos and craving grilled chicken salad. i need to finish off my fuzzy head before a meeting tonight. i might be going Greek! how about that!

btw, isn't Tori Amos a goddess?

be brilliant and beautiful! ciao.

!!!

i'm excited and scared. after a skipped period and a month of feeling funny, i'll reveal that me and Andy are pregnant.

we're going to have a polka-dotted or a zebra-striped biracial baby. it's going to be gorgeous apparently if folks already literally stop and tell us that the "caramel-colored" babies [that i have no choice but to have] will be cute, cute, cute. our kids will learn to play fiddle/violin instead of watch TV. they'll read comics and classic stuff. we're having a courthouse wedding soon. we just need $30 for the license and matching syphilis tests. rings are inexpensive, but not important. we might go the sterling silver route. i won't be wearing the dress that i already have; i've got a suit. or maybe i'll just wear my high school cheerleading uniform. we'll eat at Taco Bell afterward and celebrate with sherbet punch and bootleg movies. i'll get a name change kit to officially be Cherry Dillon. my life will be complete.

my life will be over.







Happy April Fools' Day!
this has been a bad joke. i hope that i don't have to explain to anyone that my uterus is actually empty. no baby for me. i'm too selfish/broke/busy. hope that i've reminded you to use contraception! use a condom, shake hands, and be on your way!

i'm a gluttonous asshole.

i've come to the conclusion about how big of a fatass i am: i had a dream last night about my boyfriend--and a cheese fondue. no messy combination of the two either. i was having a fondue party and i didn't even touch my boyfriend at all. he was just in the area, twiddling his thumbs while i ate bread with cheese dripping off of it. i feel like such a gluttonous asshole!

[brag]
have you ever had your new love interest act protective of you in public? was it silly cute and lovely feeling? i have, and YES! i went out to Mugshots to hear him play one night and some drunk, overly friendly marine sat by me and kept hinting for me to come back on Wednesday when he would be there again. i was sweet to him [mistake] and he bought my next two rounds of drinks all while my manfriend was on stage. well, immediately after that set, my man comes out of nowhere, swoops me up in his arms, and says "Hey, Baby!" it was uncomfortable for me, but hilarious! the drunk marine should have taken the hint, but he never backed off. my guy introduced himself and had to eventually go back onstage. time for the marine to try some more tricks, right?

the marine told me that didn't trust musicians and he kept talking me down. he even wrote his cell number on his business card for me and i just kind of pushed it to the side in a half-assed acceptance. after the next set, my apparently untrustworthy significant other comes back to save me. he was a lot more aggressive this time. he got all loud and "joked" about fighting the marine. he told him to stop trying to recruit me or else some furniture would have to move. haha!!! but seriously though. it looked and sounded realistic; i had to grab his arms to get him to hush up a little. it didn't really work. got solicited to sit near some Australian men. got to dance with a groom-to-be at his wedding party. my boyfriend congratulated the guy and made an announcement to the bar about him sharing a dance with his "beautiful girlfriend." anyway. rode home more amused than drunk. there was a loud "Bye, Baby!" from the stage as i was leaving in a final act to stake claim on me.
[/end brag]

it snowed here recently. my car was all covered in the stuff. now it's hot as hell. i'm more broke than i have ever been in my life now. my car needs a tire. i drunk dialed the wrong "Kirsten" in my phone. i've been corrupting a girl whom i work with all weekend. there is a random 11 1/2 th Street here that i've just seen today. i have some free time now, so i'll prolly indulge in some TV, which i never get to do. what's good to watch besides old Sons of Anarchy and Rescue Me?


this is my frozen car outside of a friend's dorm. it's the one next to the handicap space.

[i had a photo of a nearly nude Charlie Hunnam here, but my photobucket denies it.]
this is completely tangent to anything i just posted. sorry. or am i?

actual V-Day.

i don't even effing care if you care or not, but i had the best Valentine's Day--ever!

• i dressed up like a hot pink whore and put on a glam wig because my own hair was way too tangled
• i bought my family some nice expensive gifts. they all think that they stink now, though.
  
• i bought andy some nice Very Sexy for Him from Vicky's Secret; i hope he doesn't think that i think that he's smelly. that stuff just smells wonderful!
• andy took me to see Coraline instead of Friday the 13th after he read a silly comment i made on my blog. he's great.
  
• andy made me dinner at his parents' house: there were dim lights, candles, a rose, wine, and jazz music. he even wore a little apron. he was so tired when he was done that he didn't eat much. i did! that stuff was good! [my white boyfriend cooked his black girlfriend fried chicken, lulz. it was 1) a salad with raspberry vinaigrette, candied walnuts, and grapes, 2) asparagus, 3) reverse fried rice with lemon and nutmeg, 4) and Italian breaded chicken cutlets with lemon zest in olive oil, not peanut oil. it was all very lemony tasting and yummy.]
  
• we went to his place with dessert.
  
• he played me a song on his violin. it's called something like "Her Laugh," or "Giggle." he explained the different transitions in the music and how they mirrored my essence. lovely.
  
• he gave me a cute card, a tee shirt with our hometown university on it so i can feel close to home out here, and a sweet cap that folks here have never seen before.
• the dessert happened to be a tin of homemade chocolate-covered strawberries. they were delicious! some of the chocolate froze to the paper, so he scraped it off and we fed it to each other with a spoon. this was fun.
  
• ...
  

okay, on other notes, i have weird visitors to my blog whom i probably know. someone from back home has been visiting from a casualty insurance company. someone else has been using Google Chrome to visit and my family is addicted to Firefox. also, someone has Vista, but all the folks from back home who read me that i know have XP or some other OS. i even have a few proxy visits. swweeet!.. i suppose i could just zoom in to the street addresses using my tracking server. maybe later. the Internet is great.

my exam is over. i killed it with an A i'm assuming. i have more next week :( my apartment is infested with ants now and the maintenance man had to move around all of the wine bottles to spray properly! bleh.

ciao! i feel sick from The Pill and tired from studying. nap time!

lovie-day weekend.

did YOU have an awesome weekend?

sorry for not commenting and hanging out like usual. i've been busy spending time with an amazing man and my family. i've been learning to bake, giving gifts, and talking on the phone. when i get back to Campus Town tomorrow, i'll be swamped with studying for the first part of the week [this is becoming regular and increasingly NOT FUN], so i'll ttyl!

cherry.

lovely milestones.

i don't feel like typing in an exaggerated and ornamented diction. i'm not putting on a show here; there's no need to.

i'm in a lovey dovey mood. i love this approaching, fluffy holiday designed to empty our pockets and brains. i've done both with a zombie grin on my face. me and andy have become the couple that folks vomit at, complete with love poems to each other and "i love you!" messages on FBook everyday. yuck!

Most Importantly I Love You

Like the Sun watches over and warms the earth, I love you
Like a flower grows it's whole life toward that sunlight, i love you
Like bees swarm to that beautiful flower, I love you
Like the bear climbs only to fight his way through an army of angry, buzzing, stinging bees for but a taste of that sweet life changing honey, I love you.

yeah. this one was a public one from him; hope he doesn't mind. i respect the privacy of those sweet, little drabbles reserved to my inbox--and there are many.

today, told one of my buddies who happens to frown on a few of the losers from my past more than i do to stop updating me about their sad, hypocritical "progress" [they must be making some now]. i told her to support the fact that i have a while ago given up actually caring and will chalk up any nonsense to... well, nonsense. my friend has been known to tell me: but, cherry! they're splicing desperation into "love!" she's wanted to be you and she admitted to emulating you! look how sad and funny things have turned out! there's no need for her to alert me of any updates, stay their friend online just to nose around, etc. those folks can do whatever moves them. it's what i do! i mean, hey--it's obvious that everything has worked out to my benefit. there's no need to parade it around. a satisfied giggle under my breath every now and then will more-than suffice. haha.. and those links are to articles @ galadarling.com, btw--i luff her! i'm currently reading one on how to make my desk more inspiring.

i'm going home on Thursday to spend time with some valuable folks and give them gifts this weekend. my Innamortato has made plans for us to play Monopoly during our Valentine's night and i really hope that he is kidding. seriously though: we're going to see the new Friday the 13th movie [i'd prefer Coraline] and have some dinner plans among other stuff, and a thimble better have nothing to do with it! unless...
i washed my hair with Sensual aromatherapy shampoo, my diet and working out is making me look sexy, sexy. i spent $25 on eight chic clothing items at the thrift store. two of my guy friends washed my car for the first time that it's been with me.i'm getting good at beer pong chess. my grades are superb: my orgo chem professor called me an overachiever.

rambling, i realize that one doesn't need a person to be in love with this time of year [other than their own, fabulous self that is!] there are surely plenty of things in each person's life that they can love--things with value and not just a price, or a penis.

thx, here.

tag!

all of you bitches who tagged me better effing read this or i will come visit you and make you eat something that i cooked.
-----------------------------------------
1.Each blogger must post these rules first.
2.Each blogger starts with 8 random facts/habits about themselves.
3.Blogger that are tagged need to write on their own blog about their 8 things.
4.At the end of your blog,you need to choose 8 people to get tagged and list their names.
5.Don't forget to leave them a comment, telling them that they've been tagged and to read your blog.
------------------------------------------
1) i start to sneeze when i get really aroused. honestly. weird, i know. if my door is locked and you hear me sneezing, just come back in 15 minutes because i'm more than likely busy.
2) my mom is sick and it breaks my heart that someone so good has to suffer. it makes me feel helpless and scared for myself. and then she calls me and jokes about me being a clueless skank and it's all better.
3) i have two cigarette burns: one on either hand.
4) i'm such a tense person that my shoulders are frozen in an "up" position. i have to pause and make myself relax them.
5) i don't think that i've ever been this happy [which is way sad in itself], but it pisses me off because i don't want it to be due to some man, no matter how wonderful he is.
6) i like cats more than most people. yes, even you.
7) i'm actually so smart that i have no common sense. i have no idea what directions are. i put my shoes on the wrong feet. i can't cook without giving someone food poisoning. i can't even remember to eat enough times a day to not feel faint and awful.
8) when i consider my past, i smile SO BIG. i get sad sometimes, but my life isn't sad, as in pathetic and hilarious! and i've just concluded: i don't have lots of friends because cheap folks don't flock to me to make their own lives feel more substantial. they can't because it doesn't work; i actually deserve respect. "friendship" is often synonymous to one person [the one who believes in the friendship] being a fool.

i'm not a dummy like that! i just don't know where i'm going when i get in my car!
------------------
and i'm not tagging folks because some of you already have been tagged multiple times like myself. let's just simplify it: whoever hasn't had a turn, it's your turn now. tag! you're it, bitch!

musics!

look at my boy man! this is him on the fiddle, or violin, or whatever you decide to call it. you should hear him play blues bass guitar or sing!.. swoon. he's my celebrity. established and NOT high. oh and the shit actually sounds good. [that was an immature low blow, but i'm done now. sorry, i can't help it. i don't feel good; my stomach is sick.] and commenting is turned off because i'm just bragging about being the luckiest girl! i apologize. i'll find something substantial to post with when i'm not about to leave for my study group.

ciao!

edited later this day @ 7:43 PM

i'm better and back, bitches!

my fever burning behind the eyes is gone. it was replaced by a cold last night. but i took what i'm almost certain was a sinus pill, and i'm A-OK today. i'm loving my new place. i feel all snooty and grown-up. it's a gated apartment complex and i have a fancy parking decal and a mailbox! i've got an address! part of the city now, and not just the school! me and T [my only roomie and also my besite which is very convenient] have decorated really cutely and trashed the place each weekend for "hanging out" with our friends who don't have a place suitable for entertaining like ours. there's a growing little chain of liquor bottles at the top of our cabinets like a trophy case. we have a Netflix subscription and have been watching season-after-season of SATC. i baked a cake in our new full kitchen with new appliances and marble counters. it's edible; i tried it!

school is back in full swing and all of my classes are depressing. my economics professor ends each class with a note about melting glaciers in 40 years. it makes me not want to have children and commit suicide before things get worse.

my man left for the Inauguration this morning. i'm proud of him and his school's orchestra: they get to play for the Chief Executive! here's a little note he left me this morning:

I am getting more excited about our trip the closer it gets. We got an unexpected check from the Alumni Association for our concert this morning. We will get to use the money for spending cash. I will now be able to afford to go to the official inaugural ball. We sounded great at rehearsal tonight. I am super excited. I may not have access to the internet while I'm up there. I will call you. I am looking forward to valentine's day. We will have to come up with a plan for something to do. I miss you and love you. I will call you when I get into the hotel tomorrow night. and I was joking about the cake. I'm proud of you. I'm sure it was amazing or at least edible.

aww, right?

and here's more positiveness when i really appreciate it these days:

• a clean apartment
• my new vibrator
• my man telling me that he feels like i'm the woman that he's supposed to be with!
• cheap, cute clothes to make me feel pretty
• my real hair which is way down my back now thanks to the weaving
• coffee that i made myself and the feeling of that five dollars still in my pockets
• Radiohead
• vintage hairdos that do not go out of style
• Hope. Change. Woman Love & Activism (yes, i'm a BIG one of those F-words!!!)

ciao!

nursery pr0n!

haven't blogged in a while for reasons that should either fill you with envy or send you straight to Hell! just kidding about the Hell part.. maybe. i did have sex in a nursery about three times in one night, but this is scandalous and tacky at the most--not unforgivable. i'm really, really hoping that this is the case, that is.

'tis Xmas Eve which means increasingly less for me now that i'm getting older; i'm enjoying watching the kiddies have as much fun as i used to. all i want these days is some wine and the vague light that is my near future: having house parties at me and my bestie's apartment and more sex in less guilt-inducing places.

my uncle saw my ex boyfriend out someplace with some "ugly, skinny little girl" which was a random funny note of my night. everybody laughed at his story and then he threatened my current boyfriend with his rifles and his spades-playing skills. this means that he likes him. that's how we do it.

i could go on about how great it feels to have someone in my life who sees in me what i see in myself, but i'll spare everyone. i WILL say, however, that he changed my car tire out in the freezing cold when i had a flat. this is exactly what a real man is supposed to do, and i'm still trying to get used to it. everyone is pleased.
------------------
now:

• i've been Tagged, but i've lost the post of the person who tagged me!!! i apologize. it's a lot of fun when people can remember these things, though. it's a great way to get exposure and link exchanges. sorry i suck so bad! remind me, whoever took the time to tag me, and i will refuse to forget for next time! so, so sorry... my mind has been all over the place.

• and while i'm remembering things, i'm doing my friend Bruce a favor! he is greatness incarnate as a DJ and here is a link to some of that greatness. it's good stuff. has to be. now you have something to at least fill in some of your bored, idle time. you're welcome.
  

Happy Holidays again! did you see my cutie .gif [or maybe it's a .png] of Jack Skellngton in a Sandy Claws outfit a couple of posts back?! i'm broke and this is all i can afford to give anyone this year!

ciao.

do old bluesy men use roofies?

i've missed home so much. and now there's a super sexy someone here who makes it that much better. last night was hilarious:

he took me to some local venue for "Blue Monday" where all of these old folks in cowboy hats, fur, and jeri curls were out to listen to some good music. the stuff actually sounded good and i was enjoying myself in my little red dress.

my boy man was having a good time too, but some of the folks there who knew him basically pulled him up on stage to play Bass, which was cool--FOR HIM. i was in the back of the house with some guy who was easily twice my age. after a moment he asked me, "Is that man your husband?" i told him no. wrong answer, because the man told me that he's an artist and he wants to do my picture... weird. i know that i looked young--how sure was he that i was actually legal?! some men are very questionable.

so my mister comes back thankfully, and then guess what? everyone wants him to sing! i didn't mind it because i like his voice a lot, too. so he does and it was me back alone with the creeper. mr. creepy had gone and come back with two hot dogs. he said that he couldn't eat both of them in time for his performance and offers me one. i tell him no and i guess that he gets offended because he says "Your man ain't going to mind! There's nothing wrong with it!" well, i didn't accuse him of such. that's not creepy, AT ALL! a hot dog roofie incident is not the way i'm trying to go out.

and some random guy walked by greeting folks and stops at me and tells me that i'm absolutely beautiful, which was unexpected but tastefully done. relief, right? and then some man was watching me twist my hair up and told me to leave it down because it looked fine the way it was. i shouldn't have said thanks, because then he asked me how long i had been talking to my guy.. whatthecrap? i'm not even safe when i'm trying to get my hair from itching my neck? i'm never sitting back there again.

so my beau finally gets done singing and i kiss him and asked him did he see all of the unwanted attention i was receiving from onstage. he said yeah; guess it was amusing! i'm going to have to wear a bag over my head or something next time. wear my brothers' clothes, maybe?

yeah, i just thought that this was funny enough to share. can't wait until some ladies are a little too friendly with my mister [not that i could ever blame them; who can resist pretty blue eyes and blond hair?].

later!

what my vagina has to do with Xmas.

i. hate. finals. week.

happy stuff please:

well, for those who have not seen the Twitter update, i now have the boy [and a parking ticket]. we said it on Facebook, so it's SO serious, ha. he's really old-school charming and blah blah blah. we're supposedly going camping for vacation among other things and he reassured me of my safety from bears, hobo homicidal maniacs, AND Godzilla. i'm not used to all of his appropriateness [i'm waiting to figure out what's wrong with him]. but apparently, not treating a lady like a lady is just not his style, and i honestly can't ask for anything more right now. i canNOT wait until he can bend me over the table to teach me how to play pool. seriously. i suck at pool and there's no other way to lean. well, lucky me!

i got the apartment off campus that i wanted. my only roommate is my best girlfriend [score! i wouldn't have any other way]. it's a big, luxury 2 bed and 2 bath with washing/drying units inside. so i finally have the new, big girl place that i've been wanting. now who's going to move all of me and T's furniture all the way there? i'm going to take pics of our moving day. is there a such thing as too much pink stuff and red velvet when it comes to decorating? and everyone is invited to the house warming celebration: bring wine because we can never have enough!

here is my Xmas list:

• Ville Valo on toast
• my boyfriend [woah it's been a while since i could type that] on toast
• more than 24 hours in my days so more things can get done
• some specific civil rights  and due social respect for women
• a filled prescription for my antidepressants and birth control, woo!
• the new Prince of Persia game for PS3 and Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe
• an OhMiBod musical vibrator sex toy; feel the music seriously!
• new mineral makeup and some thrift store clothes
• Denis Leary
• to be around my family and enjoy loving those crazy fuckers

a lot of my list is vagina-related this year. hmm..

reality in the city.

im watching SATC and admiring my long, dark vamp nails the color of oxygen-exposed blood. im siding with Carrie and acknowledging my blank punctuation. i'd love to do some raunchy blogging about something in a way that is full of energy and enjoyment for both me and you. buuuuut, guess who hasn't been having any amount of sex in either my home city or this college city. that's all me.

and it doesn't go to say that it's a bad thing. again, my blank, absent punctuation makes me giggle. i fucking need space to make this emotional phase in a complete and harmless way. can't take any harm right now. but any relocation to any phase doesn't erase whether or not loneliness is there. i guess i could make myself feel not alone, which isn't hard to do. it's all relative and deeply mental, as cliché as it is. no problem. i can do this all day long, everyday like nobody's business. done. but, why does it always seem like there is room for such thoughts and conclusions in my brain if the matter isn't even a true problem? if it isn't a problem, hell it's a state of normalcy for PLENTY of people, am i right? so why does my thought pattern deem my singleness as pressing enough to interrupt other thoughts that make more sense, such as nicotine addiction, the PDR, French idioms i should familiarize myself with, God, MY own divinity?

see? it's an unbalanced equation and i don't know what's doing the unbalancing. i fucking hate women on the race to the altar. i hate women who lose themselves in their husbands for whatever reason. i question taking a man's last name for my own, i hate the confines of sexuality and the whole concept of normalcy when it comes to relationships and how disappointing it is when all of our ideals are shot to hell and all there is to do is keep trudging along. it's too often that women are victims and too seldom that there are real answers or attempts at solutions. there AREN'T any. look at the dissolution of celebrity families even considering all of their money and resources. look at how you deny God and transcend and literally fight the existence. the lines are constantly being blurred; who's to say what is sin or growth? who is to say what is right or wrong or even how to fucking go about doing either?

everyone is full of shit, and what we say and especially what we do is full of shit.

nonsequitur? dreams.

before having a string of about three very weird wet dreams starring a past female teacher of mine and myself incarnate as an old Frenchman, i had the sweetest, simplest dream that still needs a little analysis.

i dreamed that i was standing in the rain but strangely not getting drenched with some tall man in coattails [my boyfriend/Daddy] and i had my arm very possessively wrapped around his waist because i'm short and this is where les bras comfortably rested, you see.

well, anyway. this blond man who looked exactly like Heath Ledger in a cross between his roles in 10 Things and A Knight's Tale didn't run away from me. he didn't stiffen or resist. he completely melted into his obviously well-established role to his adoring midget woman. and then comes the clincher: he wrapped one arm around my shoulder and bent down low to give me a very purposeful and not too mushy kiss--on the forehead.

swoon!

but after that, i remember vividly consecutive scenes of me being in this man's presence again and still having the same feelings for him. i remember being near him, but not being with him to the point of my dream running like a big chase around several places. there was my elementary school in a downpour, there was my apartment, there was this park/field type place, there was an English class lecture where he sat across the room with some other people... weird. but in my mind, he was still my boyfriend. i still felt very possessive and i was even scheming up a way to get him alone and to myself [in my bed] soon. i guess i figured that he wouldn't pass up that offer and that i would get the closeness and affection from him that i really wanted. hmm.

whatthecrap? now i'm just remembering that i went to sleep really early and i was really tired. i was on some mood modifying meds and i was up reading JokerxHarley fanfiction. so, i figure that this all pretty much equals an equation for disaster, or at least nonsequitur? dreams.

Pansexuality.

ohmygosh. well, during my lurking over at LJ's joker x harley community, i noticed that one of the contributors throws a term around that i'm unfamiliar with. pansexuality is what she uses to describe herself and, if i'm not mistaken [and i might be], The Joker.

so what is this pansexuality? i searched for the wiki and it is linked in the entry below. i read it and was filled with delight [seriously]. there is a name for it!

i mean, i have NEVER called myself a bisexual, because it doesn't fit. i am not a bisexual girl. i embrace the fact that sex is anatomical and gender is as relative as the number of people who chose or chose not to be boxed in by it. that is to say, there are more than two genders because the two sexes are so old and so boring...

and i side with pansexuality/omnisexuality because it just makes sense. fuck tila tequila! the world is filled with more than just guys and dolls, and i can just as easily have romantic inclinations to an anatomical male as i would to an anatomical male who wears heels higher than mine.

but we all knew this and it is not new. but the vocabulary is to me! so yay! Pansexuality!

there's a name for it!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pansexuality

im dropping out of university! NOT.

NOSY FUCKER. AS IF. I'M NOT LEAVING UNIVERSITY IF IT KILLS ME FIRST. but do continue.
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i'm one of those people who agree and say that "Everyone isn't cut out to do the college thing.." because everyone is NOT. College is just one of those [great] things in life that's destined to not be in at least someone's reality. and after lending a hand, actually both of them , and a comb and some rollers, i can conclude that i'm not cut out for some things, as well. i am NOT going to be good at doing hair. i've had my own hair for all of my life and i can't even part it correctly. turns out that i've been using the wrong part of the comb in the absolutely wrong way.. damn.

and you know what? it feels nice to say that i fail at hair aesthetics with confidence. because i friggin DO and saying it just means that i'm still figuring things out about myself. hell, i suck at hair and prolly alot more stuff if i fully give myself enough time to develop a more full knowledge of all that i can REALLY suck at!

and being in a relationship for a relationship's sake is something i suck at--something i refuse to do with everything inside of me. and me being the goofy, almost preteen teenybopper studying an *Nsync poster that i am when it comes to matters of the heart, makes it difficult for me to not compromise and do that. what i am doing, the example of my life, Quirkyalone.net has put into the title of a book, Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics. well, whaddya know?

i don't feel badly about my decision, about my reasoning and logic. it gives me such a dynamic and meaningful journey to go on. and this isn't the type of journey i'm undertaking because of duty, because it is cool, because i have twists in my hair and because i would look cool doing this and it will build my "status" in someone else's world. haha, i'm still a smartass. no, this is something full of real substance that hopefully i can understand in time, or at least learn to appreciate and traverse with grace while my hair looks like the mop that it does.

aw, man. i just saw Garden State again two nights ago. i LOVE that movie. maybe because braff's character is figuring out is own life while he is off his antidepressants. i know how THAT goes! someone who has a house, please let's have a movie night in my honor while we watch a weird one that actually MEANS something! there has to be more meaning these days!

tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, but adieu.