reality in the city.

im watching SATC and admiring my long, dark vamp nails the color of oxygen-exposed blood. im siding with Carrie and acknowledging my blank punctuation. i'd love to do some raunchy blogging about something in a way that is full of energy and enjoyment for both me and you. buuuuut, guess who hasn't been having any amount of sex in either my home city or this college city. that's all me.

and it doesn't go to say that it's a bad thing. again, my blank, absent punctuation makes me giggle. i fucking need space to make this emotional phase in a complete and harmless way. can't take any harm right now. but any relocation to any phase doesn't erase whether or not loneliness is there. i guess i could make myself feel not alone, which isn't hard to do. it's all relative and deeply mental, as cliché as it is. no problem. i can do this all day long, everyday like nobody's business. done. but, why does it always seem like there is room for such thoughts and conclusions in my brain if the matter isn't even a true problem? if it isn't a problem, hell it's a state of normalcy for PLENTY of people, am i right? so why does my thought pattern deem my singleness as pressing enough to interrupt other thoughts that make more sense, such as nicotine addiction, the PDR, French idioms i should familiarize myself with, God, MY own divinity?

see? it's an unbalanced equation and i don't know what's doing the unbalancing. i fucking hate women on the race to the altar. i hate women who lose themselves in their husbands for whatever reason. i question taking a man's last name for my own, i hate the confines of sexuality and the whole concept of normalcy when it comes to relationships and how disappointing it is when all of our ideals are shot to hell and all there is to do is keep trudging along. it's too often that women are victims and too seldom that there are real answers or attempts at solutions. there AREN'T any. look at the dissolution of celebrity families even considering all of their money and resources. look at how you deny God and transcend and literally fight the existence. the lines are constantly being blurred; who's to say what is sin or growth? who is to say what is right or wrong or even how to fucking go about doing either?

everyone is full of shit, and what we say and especially what we do is full of shit.