you could be my best friend if:

you actually have a favorite author [who writes "capital L" literature]
your cat is higher on the social ladder than you [how can it NOT be, actually?]
you could honestly live without a television and not feel as if you have lost a limb
you catch yourself frowning and/or drooling at male strangers for some vague reason that you can't quite put your finger on
your dreams indicate that something is severely wrong. period.
you have very little common sense
glaring grammar fuckeries kill you a little on the inside
you can be difficult to be around because it's your choice
you're grown-as-fuck and still manage to ruin a pair of drawers during your lady days.
you're a beautiful person but your looks have way lower priority than nurturing your mind. 

suffering's meaning and direction.

i've been thinking a lot--about mortality. about my mortality, about suffering, life, and meaning.

the meaning of life is relative to each person blessed enough to breathing right now. it's a duty of mine to fill each day of my life with some sort of significance, but sometimes all of my efforts get lost in the chaos of the universe while i'm fighting it: finals, money, my depression, my libran inability to make decisions... it all conflicts with productivity. i literally won't even be able to see straight and i feel like shit; i feel like i'm worth shit.

at moments like that, my direction and motivation are gone. i feel worthless and hopeless [yeah, i'm a bit of a drama queen. i'd like to thank the Academy.] at even darker hours when my threshold for suffering is being tested, i want to give up completely.

here's a mental note to myself.

"a meaning to life is realative to different people because life itself is relative; it lends itself to circumstance, position, etc. the only thing that living people have in common with each other is that we all are alive.. no one is responsible for your life--from your birth to the day that dirt is thrown in your face, you are your own person. people with terminal illnesses have life. people living in poverty have life. severely depressed people all have life and it's theirs! and if they're insightful enough, they don't give up. they go to school, they wake up each day, they drink coffee and brush their hair in efforts of doing something with the life that they have despite its particular circumstances. stop being a damned baby and be fabulous in your position."

 okay, i've snapped out of it. and when my cramps are gone, i'll actually get off of my ass!
----------------------------------
ALSO, my blog is going private / friends-only soon because i have a few annoying and juvenile no-lives buzzing in my ear. if you're interested in continuing a blog circle with me and reading my future protected posts about a lot more candid material [i'm not a virgin--who would have guessed?!], use the form in the previous post. it's there to protect your email address; only i'll see it.

ciao, mes cheres.

start of summer 09

somebody had to do it!
i'm home and everybody wants it to be FOR GOOD. and it feels good right now, so maybe i'll stay. lot's of exciting things happening at home. my boyfriend's older brother bought some property in a historic district downtown and he's turning it into a bar / hangout spot. i'm excited! it'll be an easy, comfortable way for me [and any of my buddies] to get involved in the night life with no gunshots and no "one-race-only" atomosphere.

also, i'm really excited about: raising five kittens, being with my little cousins, eating breakfast for the first time EVER, thrifting, buying video games, being with Andy and remembering how exactly in love with him i am.

woah! a Trojan Condoms commercial just played.. "ride out these tough times together," America? that's some thick innuendo! using protection should not be too hard to stay on top of!

things i'm going to do this summer

• buy a MacBook


• watch the new Wolverine movie and convince folks that it was Andy's idea


• hang out at Frank Jones' Corner


• maybe move home and get a place?!!


• purchase and read a book for leisure


• get a job that doesn't involve me digging up old, orange booty shorts of mine
  

things i've done so far

• make friends with ladies in the wig shop


• have a dog kiss me in the mouth


• gotten a prescription for BC


• add on to my personal literary projects


• eat way too much Subway


• fought with both of my little brothers in one day [actually in five minutes]
  

hope everyone gave each and every woman in his or her life who has ever been pregnant the BIGGEST kiss ever on sunday. haven't blogged in forever, but now i feel like i should do it even less often and expand my life some more. i'm going to live my life and leave you wishing that you could live it too!

everyone should do this! be a busy, cocky asshole. i've done it before and free time shouldn't get in the way of it.

quotes [and happy summer]!

i'm not going to have time to really, formally blog again until after this week. so everyone have a great start of summer! i know that I'M going to :)

and i leave you with these cutsie things i picked up from photobucket:

the f-word and jokes!

i got pissed because my appointment just called me "sweetheart" at my job. silly boy. here are some rude jokes to make me laugh and feel better. not really feminist, just mean!

Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: "I can do better than this" and he made woman.

"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."
-Jackie Mason 

Q: Why are all dumb blond jokes one liners?
A: So men can understand them.

Q: Why do men like BMWs?
A: They can spell it.

Q: Why do men name their penises?
A: Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 99% of their decisions.

Q: Why are men like noodles?
A: They are always in hot water . They lack taste. They need dough.  

alright. i feel better now. and i agree that these are mean! i don't really think like this [except for maybe the first one...]. honestly, if that guy knew me, "sweetheart" would be the last thing he thought about me! i'm a woman, but i'm only a "lady" when i can afford to be one. i'm strong. i'm a tart--a cherry tart.

girl love update.

this is a more personal example of girl love/jealousy/nastiness/genuine happiness being played out:

there was a not-so-nice mention of me and my struggle with depression on some girl's blog. she even commented about my thriftiness at staying at the EconoLodge, as if the hotel's name and my wallet didn't confirm it already. here is a blip of her post and my exact comments back.
-----------------------------------------

Here's me thinking, "Shouldn't you have a life by now?"

Seriously, I heard that the "artificial happy" pills work wonders. Of course, I have heard that they make you a little worse before you get any better. Started a new brand maybe? Well, trust me, just stick with it and you'll feel better in no time. You'll see the world through fresh, sane eyes. Maybe - just maybe - you'll even be able to truly move on!

Hmph. Good luck with that.

[...]

The vacation was great! Pretty relaxing to be able to escape the usual for a little while. We were even given a King bed suite upon arrival for no extra charge! French Quarter accommodations really are a far throw from a penny-pincher's Econolodge. Worth every cent I didn't have to pay! [...]

Divulged at 11:20:00 AM

2 Comments:

 ♥cherry. le. fait. said...

i'm glad that you're having fun and are so happy. Gala wrote a great article about 100 percent happiness without nastiness directed to other women. it's really good and not too long:
http://galadarling.com/article/jealousy-is-the-killer-of-girl-love

pay attention to quotes like:
"Similar to the way in which if you’re happy with yourself & your life, you don’t trawl the internet being nasty, if you’re happy & have good self-esteem, you don’t view other girls as competition any more either."
and
"One thing I’ve noticed over the last few years is that if you’re really happy with yourself & your life, or if you become that way after years of self-loathing or misery, the way that you interact with other people & the world around you completely changes."

you have better things to do than be passive aggressive toward me and poking fun at folks with severe depression. you had no reason to be jealous of me and to try to be "better" than me like your email said. that's a sad way to think. depression isn't a joke and you should know it. i struggle with it and i hate myself for letting it be a problem, and it's hardly a subject of jest. it's a full-time job managing it with the help of my doctors and whatever "fake happy" pills that they tell me to take, but i love myself and want to be more productive and able, so i do it.

you will feel so much happier when you stop it. and no one will have a reason to view you as "sad" or whatever. all of your energies should be directed towards positivity in your life and the baby's--not my mental state. that's what's most important. frankly, i can't be concerned with you when i have way too much on my plate already, and it should be the same for you.

you have a wonderful life, a baby coming, school, a man you care about, and lots of duties and promise to immerse yourself in and be happy about. now stop being counterproductive by even thinking about my or any other woman's existence and go be even happier!

May 3, 2009 5:46 PM  

---

 ♥cherry. le. fait. said...

and of course the EconoLodge is cheap! it's in the name and that's why i did it! i was broke. i still am. why is this on your mind?

just an example of how you being silly/nasty is pointless.

you don't have time or a reason to be like that! it's unattractive. be happy that you can do better and BE the better person that you want to be.

good luck. you've got a lot going on and a lot going for you. me and everyone else's lives that are not in direct conflict with yours don't deserve your thoughts, comments, etc.

-----------------------------------------
internet fights and grudges are sad for many reasons, especially when they're pointless. if someone is so happy, why mention things that are so obviously beneath them? she has my ex and his baby and a full life to life. what does her life then have to do with me? i'm the one who has some moving on to do?

maybe it takes some growing out of, but everyone learns lessons at his or her own pace. it's not my problem now.

here's to really moving on and being genuinely happy! the proof is in the way you live your life [or update your blog]!

girl love.

i'm still studying. and i'm starving, btw. someone go fetch me a Subway roasted chicken salad.

i've been a shitty presence in the blog world: been busy taking my fake girlfriend to buy wigs and spending way too much money at KFC. been camped out on my sofa reading at least three books at a time. i really just want to finish my finals and get home to my family and Andy's mother's cooking family. how is YOUR life?

hope that you're not wasting any time by being jealous. i'll explain:

aside from just filling your life with negative energy, jealousy and losing control of that emotion can lead you down a detrimental path and even cause you friend, or just some time you could be using to buy me groceries before i collapse.

Gala wrote a great article about girl love--and not the kind that Lindsey Lohan has for her DJ woman. it's short; go ahead and read it.

even if you don't want to be friends with a girl, definitely don't focus your energies on being nasty to her or even thinking nasty things about her. it's so trivial. instead, fix what it is inside of you that is weak enough and making you insecure enough to dislike her. and then avoid her. you don't have to love the bitch, but you don't want to go around getting wrinkles and being bitter with your "friends" while you all chain smoke and whisper bad things about people in the corner--not that i used to do this to everybody, that is.

when i was younger, i was bullied--ALOT. girls hated me, cut my hair, were nasty to me, tried to hit me, etc. and i didn't do anything to deserve it. i never did anything to cross them. i never looked for a fight. i pretty much stayed in my Francine Pascal's Fearless books and listened to *NSYNC [shut up]. at the time, it made me miserable and confused that these girls hated me so much, but now i've since chalked it up to jealousy.

and it's hilarious, because in my mind, i had nothing to be jealous of! the other girls were the ones with all of the friends and name-brand clothes! i was a loser with weird music and second hand clothes. i STILL have second hand clothes and i'm frankly pissed that being thrifty and vintage is in style now when i never had a choice otherwise! funny, funny, funny.

clearly it doesn't take a genius to fake confidence or happiness and it takes nothing less than a strong, fabulous woman to pursue genuine satisfaction.

right now, i'd say that i'm on a positive path, or at least i hope so: i love my family, i've developed some genuine friendships, i have a phenomenal man, i'm successful.. these are things that i didn't have to buy or force myself into for the convenience and comfort. hell, i was single for a damned year before me and Andy hooked up [it wasn't a rebound or desperation]. and if i ever find myself not liking a lady for whatever reason, i avoid her instead of wasting time and energy ranting about her--or i fix whatever is in myself that might make me jealous of her. because frankly, if i'm being the best person that i can be, then i don't have time to think about another woman, let alone dislike her for shit that she didn't even do to me!

but if some lady DOES do something to you, then disregard good reason and flat all of her tires with a knife.


i'm kidding. or, at least don't blame me if you get caught. be sneaky.

the end and i feel fine [because it's BS]

i'm not allowing you to comment because i'm not around to comment lately. studying is taking over my life, although i made some time to get my hair untangled and clean. i'm at our Science majors' library waiting on my sexy Libran girlfriend to get here. isn't she adorable? i blame it all on her new lip piercing--and she pretty much bums me all of the Camels i want [most of the time]. gotta love Finals.
okay, i'm not dating her. Andy is still my only one. she's just one of the few women who aren't sickening to be around. gotta be because we're both of Venus. her middle name is my first name. she likes the same sorority i do. our birthdays are days apart. we love the same cigs [when we haven't quit]. she gets on my damned nerves.

and if anyone is scared about 2012, get over it: you will see the day ofter Doomsday. The Rapture won't happen because too many people are expecting it. the planet will stay in orbit. it has done so on every 12/21 since the beginning of Time. it has been made certain to me that this day will be nothing to worry about, but it will be weird!

i was pretty antsy about this at one time--i was one of those people in my teens scared off of my ass on the 2000 new year. i was expecting Jesus to break through the ceiling and take me away from the MTV countdown. it hasn't happened yet. it hasn't happened during any of the hundreds of other Doomsday prophecies. it won't happen 12/21/2012 [unless Palin is elected say some funny people].

lighten up. wish me luck on my exams. listen to old Sugar Ray singles. paint your toenails. paint my toenails. pay for prescription of BC. get ready for summer!

bummy-ex update.

more for my own records than anything. no comments. after larry called, my father, uncles, boyfriend, brothers, guy friends, etc. would have LOVED to have the number that he called from to politely [yeah right] tell my destitute and sad ex that he had better NEVER pull that again--if he has an ounce of concern for himself.

well one of the above persons tried to. the number was disconnected. what a punk move! larry called me right before he knew he couldn't be reached back because he didn't want to deal with reality and consequences. explains why he said "aww!" right before the phone hung up. i knew that he was immature/a bitch/generally an inept man when we were dating. what a lovely man to have around. just not around me.

i hope that he never contacts me again. it's been a good, long time since i've had to even remember that he really existed.

i've cut out the cancer a long time ago. with him. with "friends" who don't understand the concept of being loyal or genuine. with enemies. i pray for and smile at all of my debtors, especially the ones who can't take the hint that they're not supposed to be in my life anymore. it's been doing me good so far!

everyone have a fabulous Friday! be brave and genuine. smile a lot. love the place where you are currently and don't waver--especially if it's rewarding you!

my feel good revolution

this is what i'm currently and violently thankful for:

• my Wonder Woman mother
• my grandmother who reminds me of how great a tool prayer really is. i admire her for being able to just give me a scripture to read off of the top of her head.
• cheap used PS2 games and year-long warranties at GameStop
• peppermint tea
• Acetaminophen
• freshly shaved and sugar-scrubbed legs
• groceries [peppermint tea]!
• Kareah presently being with my ex "fiancé" Larry and having his baby. and while i'm at it, i'm pretty thankful for all of the rotten things his family and friend-turned-baby's mother put me through (like his big sister trying to kick my ass). this was not the life for me! the cancer has rudely been cut out, but it's out. i didn't need any of that obviously.
• having some campus cop randomly flirt with me and tell me that i look good
• good books and my friends who love them almost as much as i do
• the hope that comes with tomorrow
• THRIFT STORES!
• Pita Pit
• my fiddling manfriend whom i think hung the moon and makes magic with his eyes
• wet dreams starring comic book characters and the like that i get after i've been drinking
• Tori Amos' music touching my soul. that woman transcends so much.
• my family [living and not passed] which gets so much of my intense, hard love
• never being able to tell someone how much i truly love them because words can't encompass such. it gives me something to always aim for when i see them.
• eyeliner

Break's over :(

i feel remarkable. i'm so thankful that i have the resources and the strength to get out of bed, even when it feels like i'll never make it through the day. and then i laugh at all the other times that i've felt that way [this month even] as i work out and have some coffee. i feel remarkable.

my Spring Break was slightly uneventful, but i was immensely pleased. i got to argue with my family and eat Mom's cooking. i got to stare up into my boyfriend's face and meet more of his wonderful family. his sister read my feminist rant and hugged me for writing it. it was weird, but i enjoyed agreeing with someone. she's so great. i just can't post about her brother in lewd ways anymore. i'll just keep most of that in my head from now on. it was getting pretty bad; i felt like an 18 yr. old boy.

there was plenty of beer on Bourbon Street. there were also plenty of cabaret girls in their underwear. i ate overpriced crawfish when i could go back home and cook them myself for free. i ate beignets at the fake Café du Monde in Riverwalk Mall. i saw some folks who went to my university. i took a picture of some guy dressed as a jester and i named him Arlechino when his real name is prolly just Jake. my boyfriend fiddled and some woman cried after one of the songs. she had a boyfriend, but she apparently likes musicians a lot. i'm not jealous; i can't blame her!

i didn't see any vampires, but a musician friend of my second family lent me one of her vampire books to read. it's not Anne Rice, but it ain't awful. i'll give it back next time that they tour.

i'm back in Campus Town and i miss home only because i love home a little too much maybe. so it's not really a bad thing. i've got easy decisions to make and experiences to enjoy. i should shower and wash the dishes from breakfast. i should finish the love poem i'm writing and i should write another one to myself!


the Natchez steamer; credit to myself!

a shot of Decatur Street; credit to myself!

laissez-les bons temps mourir? nah.

some feminism.

entertain me if you're brave enough.

1. why don't more men take their wives' last name when they marry? why do so many people find it necessary to take the other person's last name anyway? i'm almost certain that i'll keep mine. maybe.
2. why is a woman's issue, such as fertility control facing such a reduction of rights at the legislation of men? they don't even have ovaries, but they can tell me what to do with my body. i call bullshit. as special as our bodies are, we should have special allowances. we shouldn't be punished for being great! c'mon Constitution! women are people too! ladies, "We shall overcome!"
   
3. WalMart won't sell PlanB. thanks guys!
   
4. there is a huge birth control price hike going on. this is counterproductive.
   
5. lots [way too many] states have unconstitutional holds on abortion access. many of the state legislators are men. i wish dumb folks like the governor from my home state could temporarily be disenfranchised when it comes to things like this. his backwater, redneck, tobacco dipping ass.. men like him make me want to cry.
6. sex toys can't be sold in my home state?!! as extremely hard as it is for a lady to reach orgasm through sex, now she can't even get pleasure from herself? but strip clubs are okay. and crimes like sexual harassment, domestic violence, and rape aren't punished harshly enough if you ask me. women have become the prisoners and slaves of their own society.
   
7. men have a defunct genome, but they're superior enough to rule over themselves and women since when? seriously guys: be sensitive to a woman's issue or don't vote. go jump off of a bridge. all in favor of a female monarch after Obama finishes being sexy in office say "Aye!"
   
8. Dead Men Don't Rape. men=monsters. sounds very radical and hateful. they aren't my exact sentiment. BUT they have some disgusting basis. sad to admit it. how many men do you know carry pepper spray with them at night?
   
9. wait a minute. you want me to to get a chemical burn to make sure that my legs are hairless. you want me to wear bras, impractical little heels, and face paint [because i don't look good enough]. i have to suck in my stomach, douche my vagina full of poison because you can't handle the way a real woman smells, cover up my body because you can't keep your eyes in your head... sounds like the other sex has a bit more of a problem with ladies do than we do with ourselves. almost sounds like society hates us. it's their problem. they should date men. or fuck dolls. when did feminine become synonymous to impractical? why oh why?
10. my period doesn't make me unclean or scary. it's the most beautiful thing that my body can do. i don't need to douse myself in perfume and limit my activity because the world is afraid of the wonderful thing that my body does. i am the instrument of Creation [only when i choose to be]!
11. i'm lesbian because i'm making sense to you? where is your logic, dude?! actually i might go lesbian because idiots like you make me actually want to date another being as out-of-it's-mind as me. hell, we can share shoes.
12. stop saying "chicks, cougars, creatures, sweetheart, cunts, etc" stop naming your instruments and cars after women. stop naming hurricanes and tropical storms and such women's names. stop it right now.
    

------------------------------
Go do this now
i know i'm pretty radical. it's my job, or nearly is. i can't wait to be the greatest gynecologist, most vocal woman's rights activist, president of my state's chapter of NOW, author of several books, etc.. but you don't have to be. leave the hard stuff up to the professionals! here is what you can do:

1. go to Planned Parenthood website and see what you can do to support progress in your area. don't have a facility in your state? there's your need for progress right there!
2. go to the NARAL website and see how woman friendly your state rates up. it can't be any more disgusting than my own.. my History teacher gave me that website in high school after i emailed out a petition against the governor's action and mailed him a letter! i love ladies with sense! so cool! i still got a C in her class...
3. go to the NOW website. i love them and they're always looking for support AND they'll mail you some really sweet stickers for your car!
4. go watch the Vagina Monologues. seriously!
5. Rihanna [or however you spell this misguided girl's name] is crazy. this website is not.
6. go to Bust.com! have fun!
   
7. dress as Wonder Woman or Poison Ivy! they're hot ladies, they're strong, and they don't let a man tell them what to do! who would dare?!
   

--------------------------------------------
i am NOT a man-hating [or Republican-hating], natural-smelling, bitter, cat owning, PMSing, boot-wearing lesbian person. sorry if i seemed so. don't let me scare you off. i actually love men. i generally want to put things up their asses for my pleasure. many men are wonderful. my brothers, my uncles, my boyfriend and his dad and brothers are all beautiful men. men do so much for me, for this country. they are heroes at war. they are protectors, they are single parents. they are amazing lovers. they can be the most polite gentlemen and some of the most intelligent people i'll ever know, unless they happen to be the governor of a very damned, very Red, very backwards state. some of the raddest feminists are men and i thank them for their support. i do not believe that women are superior [even if we are pretty rad]. i support equal relations and respect among all human beings, no matter what gender or sex that they identify with. if you want to take issue with something i've posted, go ahead. it's healthy and i might have been a bit violent and obsessive. i just want everyone to recognize how amazing ladies are! i'll admit it--i'm not perfect! only very nearly so.

and then, of course, my Libra senses tell me to equally rant against the stupid, useless, disgusting women blighting the face of the earth. but that is another post that i will have just as much fun with.


YUCK, right?! thx, here.

sugar for sex; we played chess.

the title sums up my weekend in a rush. went home for some rehabilitation and tearful prayers and fried fish. i scraped a beguiling pathogen from the roof of my significant other's mouth and now my stomach is being violent like his was being a week ago. in my opinion, we all need a stomach virus to sit us down and remind us to pause, think, and wash our hands after using the toilet.

instead of blogging, i've been holding back vomit, been writing, been saying "Alleluia" with my grandmother and my aunt after medication. when is Spring Break? when did i fail at being fabulous?

no, i actually feel fine now. i really do. anytime i feel my depression taking a down cycle, i have my resources that i fall back on to keep me afloat and it's nice! not trying to preach to you here, but The Serenity Prayer is great to pray or just say to yourself. also, John 14 is honey.

i have to study, as always. surely when these cooties have run their course, i can get back to my senses. use Lysol! use soap! don't eat unwashed food or kiss your germy manfriend too deeply even if his eyes are blue!

why don't you live?

my advice to you:

• count to discover if your menstrual cycle is exactly 28 days long or not. mine is!
• paint your nails a garish red.
• next time you get sick, take an effective dosage of grape-flavored kiddie Tylenol instead of  an adult medicine.
• turn one of your zits into a mole with an eyeliner.
• close your door and play some good, ole 90s grunge rock very softly.
• shave your legs with a very sharp razor and go to bed with brand new sheets.
• make coffee at midnight.
• quote poets and writers in your Tweets.
• wear lavender mascara and count how many special people notice.
• greet a beautiful person in French.
• quit smoking!
• wear your hair in a beehive or bouffant.
• drink more water [through a pink straw].
• learn a song by the Jive Bombers and sing it in your idle time.
• tell yourself to not give a shit what people think and then really don't.
• go to bed in nothing but your favorite perfume and some lipstick.
• take a bunch of vanity shots of yourself smiling [even if you have a crappy camera] because no one else is as unique and as fabulous as you are at this moment and the world needs proof. bonus points if you link a photo in a comment!
• talk to yourself more often and call yourself Baby. you should always be your own significant other first.
• wear one of your best friend's clothing items.
• wake up and tell yourself that something good will happen to you that day. it will, i promise! try it.
• go forth and be "violently happy."

him either grabbing my boobs or telling a bad joke.

lovely milestones.

i don't feel like typing in an exaggerated and ornamented diction. i'm not putting on a show here; there's no need to.

i'm in a lovey dovey mood. i love this approaching, fluffy holiday designed to empty our pockets and brains. i've done both with a zombie grin on my face. me and andy have become the couple that folks vomit at, complete with love poems to each other and "i love you!" messages on FBook everyday. yuck!

Most Importantly I Love You

Like the Sun watches over and warms the earth, I love you
Like a flower grows it's whole life toward that sunlight, i love you
Like bees swarm to that beautiful flower, I love you
Like the bear climbs only to fight his way through an army of angry, buzzing, stinging bees for but a taste of that sweet life changing honey, I love you.

yeah. this one was a public one from him; hope he doesn't mind. i respect the privacy of those sweet, little drabbles reserved to my inbox--and there are many.

today, told one of my buddies who happens to frown on a few of the losers from my past more than i do to stop updating me about their sad, hypocritical "progress" [they must be making some now]. i told her to support the fact that i have a while ago given up actually caring and will chalk up any nonsense to... well, nonsense. my friend has been known to tell me: but, cherry! they're splicing desperation into "love!" she's wanted to be you and she admitted to emulating you! look how sad and funny things have turned out! there's no need for her to alert me of any updates, stay their friend online just to nose around, etc. those folks can do whatever moves them. it's what i do! i mean, hey--it's obvious that everything has worked out to my benefit. there's no need to parade it around. a satisfied giggle under my breath every now and then will more-than suffice. haha.. and those links are to articles @ galadarling.com, btw--i luff her! i'm currently reading one on how to make my desk more inspiring.

i'm going home on Thursday to spend time with some valuable folks and give them gifts this weekend. my Innamortato has made plans for us to play Monopoly during our Valentine's night and i really hope that he is kidding. seriously though: we're going to see the new Friday the 13th movie [i'd prefer Coraline] and have some dinner plans among other stuff, and a thimble better have nothing to do with it! unless...
i washed my hair with Sensual aromatherapy shampoo, my diet and working out is making me look sexy, sexy. i spent $25 on eight chic clothing items at the thrift store. two of my guy friends washed my car for the first time that it's been with me.i'm getting good at beer pong chess. my grades are superb: my orgo chem professor called me an overachiever.

rambling, i realize that one doesn't need a person to be in love with this time of year [other than their own, fabulous self that is!] there are surely plenty of things in each person's life that they can love--things with value and not just a price, or a penis.

thx, here.

tag!

all of you bitches who tagged me better effing read this or i will come visit you and make you eat something that i cooked.
-----------------------------------------
1.Each blogger must post these rules first.
2.Each blogger starts with 8 random facts/habits about themselves.
3.Blogger that are tagged need to write on their own blog about their 8 things.
4.At the end of your blog,you need to choose 8 people to get tagged and list their names.
5.Don't forget to leave them a comment, telling them that they've been tagged and to read your blog.
------------------------------------------
1) i start to sneeze when i get really aroused. honestly. weird, i know. if my door is locked and you hear me sneezing, just come back in 15 minutes because i'm more than likely busy.
2) my mom is sick and it breaks my heart that someone so good has to suffer. it makes me feel helpless and scared for myself. and then she calls me and jokes about me being a clueless skank and it's all better.
3) i have two cigarette burns: one on either hand.
4) i'm such a tense person that my shoulders are frozen in an "up" position. i have to pause and make myself relax them.
5) i don't think that i've ever been this happy [which is way sad in itself], but it pisses me off because i don't want it to be due to some man, no matter how wonderful he is.
6) i like cats more than most people. yes, even you.
7) i'm actually so smart that i have no common sense. i have no idea what directions are. i put my shoes on the wrong feet. i can't cook without giving someone food poisoning. i can't even remember to eat enough times a day to not feel faint and awful.
8) when i consider my past, i smile SO BIG. i get sad sometimes, but my life isn't sad, as in pathetic and hilarious! and i've just concluded: i don't have lots of friends because cheap folks don't flock to me to make their own lives feel more substantial. they can't because it doesn't work; i actually deserve respect. "friendship" is often synonymous to one person [the one who believes in the friendship] being a fool.

i'm not a dummy like that! i just don't know where i'm going when i get in my car!
------------------
and i'm not tagging folks because some of you already have been tagged multiple times like myself. let's just simplify it: whoever hasn't had a turn, it's your turn now. tag! you're it, bitch!

2008 review via a silly survey

this little survey is all over the blogging world. use it to review your year!
------------------------------------------------------------
1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
get parking tickets :(

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
of course i didn't. i can't even remember them. mine for next year make more sense, such as to stay smoke-free and such.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
my best friend's sister!!! an October baby.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
my high school aged cousin did. on my birthday. yep.

5. What countries did you visit?
none yet! although parts of my hometown are starting to look a little foreign.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
peace of mind! and a wonderful, pretty man to look at and touch inappropriately. oh, wait..

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
my birthday because of a very, unfortunate and heartbreaking event.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
being completely independent of my folks!

9. What was your biggest failure?
i honestly can't consider ANYTHING a failure. how sweet is that?

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
i just recently had a terrible cold. my back hurts really, REALLY bad now, but i know exactly why ;)

11. What was the best thing you bought?
my apartment, duh.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
some Southern republicans. honestly. just yes. [/sarcasm]

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
aww, but i was already a bitch in question 12!

14. Where did most of your money go?
pitas with feta and hot sauce, index cards. that's it.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
some big nosed loser :)

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
anything Timbaland for a silly reason, but that entire album is burned into my brain now!

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder?
a helluva lot happier.

ii. thinner or fatter?
thinner, if it's even possible!!!

iii. richer or poorer?
poorer. this is a recession folks, and the tuition spike has been no joke. not to mention my eating habits.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
going out. not necessarily partying, but just experiencing life outside of the chemistry building.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
watching virals on Youtube. maybe.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
watching the kiddies go insane. taking photos. drinking. letting the "holiday spirit" take over me and my boyfriend in the dark!

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
yes, ma'am.

23. How many one-night stands?
eh, i haven't been the biggest fan of one-night-standing guys these days. i won't answer this question.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
SATC. hands down.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
nope. not at all. in fact, i most definitely "hate" less people.

26. What was the best book you read this year?
i haven't had much time to read for pleasure, but Blood and Gold by Anne Rice is pretty sweet.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
HIM perhaps. or Bon Jovi.

28. What did you want and get?
pink stuff!!! how can you go wrongly?!

29. What did you want and not get?
rich.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
The Dark Knight is a good answer, isn't it? why so serious?

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i was 20. i went home and played with my little cousin who was turning 7 on the same day. i heard about my other cousin dying. i lost my mind and i drank a helluva lot at the state fair.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
an OhMiBod musically operated vibe.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
thrifty and chic. basic and sexy like french women!

34. What kept you sane?
i did, bitches!!! by reading, pilates class, and masturbation.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
seriously?

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Prop 8.

37. Who did you miss?
only people who deserve to be missed, and there aren't a lot of folks in my inner circle these days. it's great, though. i'm turning into a snooty bitch who doesn't like my time wasted by Jokes.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
this big, beautiful, tall, blonde man with pretty blue eyes and amazing kisses. him.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
it goes on.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way!"--Frank Sinatra in "My Way"

these are not my loves, not my God.

cherry here. and i'm just thinking right now. feel free to join me. won't you?

i have a slight caffeine buzz--which is always so good in the mornings--and i'm going to to try to take you to where i've just been, okay? would you like me to do that? do you mind the ride? i'll give you a present if you can make it with me. how does a picture of me naked sound?
-----

if i remember back long ago to my last visit to a church of any kind, a stark image at the forefront of my thoughts and the church itself would be the Cross. the Cross ornamenting the entrance, the threshold and the Cross scratching along the membranes of my head. okay. well, i will make the gross simplification and say that my life is the experiment of bringing that same Cross from the church and that Cross out of my mind into being an intimate part of my everyday experience. upon waking and rolling over in my bed, the Cross should be there in the sheets. with my breakfast cup of coffee over the dining table, the Cross should be before me doing those things with me. well.

sometimes, upon waking, i have spiders' webs in my head and little girl/big girl dreams are finishing their run from the night. when i am not having breakfast alone, the things that do surround me are very much removed from a spiritual realm. you don't have to be a Christian to see what i am seeing here, i promise. hell, i just barely am. can you understand what i am trying to show you here?

sometimes, i have strongholds in my life that shouldn't be there. this woman has had faith in false objects. she's even been loyal to the wrong thing entirely. these things need not be other gods; anything can have an immense amount of misplaced significance, if you allow it to. just ask me. i, who have deified a man or two and made them my saviors. i've been naive and assumed that good "friends" are immune to mistakes, hurting my feelings, or misleading me. i've been a heretic fool in my past with following an ill whim of my brain and indulged in way too many people and behaviors [self-mutilation!], which have always come around to bite me squarely in the ass.

did you catch that with me? even you of no religious persuasion can surely comprehend the futility in chasing after false and empty promises.

i was just on the phone having a lazy conversation with my mother and she just passively mentioned the elimination of such crap in our lives. she said that even if she was to leave me today and not be involved in my life anymore that she would still expect me to be standing. do you know why? i do. because all of my eggs aren't in one basket? not in any mundane basket, at least. but because i have a larger object of adoration and source of strength. my figurative Cross.

now, my mother isn't going anywhere, mind you. she was just illustrating a fact and i'm thankful for it. however i've had to learn it, i know that chasing phantoms is futile. it's fun for a while and it makes me smile, sure. but who's really in charge here? me! i am! and i don't have to go where you're going; i don't have to do what the world is doing. what makes me happy is independent of what makes the next person smile and i'll tell you: i don't care to try to make him or her understand it. how relieving, yes? i'll answer that for you--YES!

so, having said that, my friend, i'll keep doing what's best for me and what feels good. my life is going so well right now probably because i've been doing just that. i've made new and healthy friends, my grades are wonderful, my professors shake my hand, my family is succeeding in its own way, the folks who love me are immensely proud and encouraging. and now that i'm going along living my own beautiful life with a crown on my head, worthy company has been following.

once you do what it is that you need to be doing, inadequate and insecure people follow suit. they grow up, they move away because there's no area for them to cling to to and thwart. they get stuck in their own ruts and settle there with a warped sense of contentment because they would be even more hopeless anyplace else [i personally used to be like this; this is my exact past self in a nutshell]. the bad and senseless behaviors stop, priority emerges. things fix themselves. and with this new room , i've found myself in the presence of people and things who deserve to be in my presence and it's exciting. but, of course, i will keep my head on straight. i am not going to have the shit end of the stick the next time someone shows me who they really are. the joke's on them next time! i'll be busy being smarter.

i feel very purged and relieved. it's the feeling that comes along with discovering how Life can make sense and have meaning. i didn't have to force any position or situation onto myself. i didn't have to lie, cheat, or steal out of desperation for comfort. i didn't have to become someone i'm not or adopt harmful practices. things are happening the way that they need to because that's the way it's supposed to happen. i'm just so lucky that it's all favoring me these days.

AND NOW i want all of you lovelies to comment. what have been some of your false strongholds? how has your life been molded at the evasion of all of that yucky, ill stuff? are you presently in a position that you have forced on yourself out of desperation for security and meaning? do you feel like Life has put you where you need to be? how are you going to get there? what should be your loves? your God? your Cross?

when you've finished telling me all of that, you'll feel a little post-coital--like you need a cigarette, if you know what i mean! go ahead and try it. it feels amazing sorting things out.
-----
ciao. i appreciate all of the readers of my blog. every. last. one. even anonymous ones who don't comment sometimes. you are all very cool people! i wish that i could bake cookies for all of you without you getting food poisoning!

wineskins.

wineskins. wineskins. leather bladders tanned to canteens carrying.. shit.

i don't know. pen-in-mouth, this image is stuck in the grey matter since my world lit class today. it's very fatalistic, really. morbid at least. it's in the same hand as mud becoming flesh.. so then it becomes leather. we are all leather carcass bags, canteens being lugged around. and we're all full of shit. 

nice.

i swear that i'm not in a bad mood. i'm actually peachy and haven't had to yell swear-words at traffic today. hmm. my mind is just way too conscious for my own good. River Phoenix said it best. that is to say, he was great up until he killed himself. hmm, if anyone could just get a sense of my thoughts, i would more-than-likely be committed somewhere. my head is way too old and busy and my contemporaries might as well all be on a different planet, save a few bearable ones. 

and to conclude the drabble: if left to be a leather wineskin, what are you canteening (other than shit)? i'm curious; i'd have to think a while even to answer for myself..

Job should have worn a big, pink boa.

some heavy, expensive World Lit book of mine thrown ontop of all of my other texts quotes some French ciritc for naming Job of the Hebrew texts as one of the masterpieces of the entire work. drawing from my own [limited] personal knowledge of this book from the Old Testament and the critic's opinion, i can agree. out of the boring, contradictory, and confusing collective, Job's sticks out. it's progressive, at least. the simplistic and totally false belief that good people are accordingly rewarded and that evil people never prosper is exhausting to adopt and it's tested in this story.

i'm not saying that i've read it recently or know it intimately, but it's a good story to tickle the neurons and the faith. good people are punished all of the time and even evil people succeed. now, with that bottom line, a practical person will notice the room for nihilism. Why in the fuck waste my time and energy being a genuinely good person, when there are loads of hypocrites, anarchists, etc having the times of their lives and who get the same everyday "punishments" that I do? If life lends itself to indiscriminate injustices, why take a spiritually Stoic stance against it and assume the life of an exhausted "good guy?" hmm?

let's consider it: i without reservations label myself a good person. i've got morals. i'm humble enough about my life and i acknowledge the need for individual liberty and happiness. i'd rather have thirty minutes with my family than a new car. i recognize selfish people, people with ill intentions, jealous people.. and i avoid the same in myself. i won't go into further detail and brag about all of my values; just know that i'm generally grounded in what can be considered a "good" life. and i'll even go further by saying that i believe this is rare form for the rest of humanity. everywhere i witness people possessed by their possessions, if you get what i mean. people who not only appreciate the superficial, but succumb to it. people motivated by nothing but what hurts other people. it's really toxic, if you ask me [and even if you don't]. and i'm sure you all can identify similar presences in your own spheres of life. it's nothing new or particularly difficult to comprehend. 

one of my uncles has his own manor. his children all have designer clothing, the newest technology, and more money than they know what to do with. the children are rude, negative, and two-faced even to other family members. the family dynamics frankly suck. the mother yells at the kids instead of raising them into good people. the father is only slightly better [because he was raised by my awesome grandmother].

my mother is a disabled nurse. she raised three kids [sometimes by herself]. she's been married to my dad all of her adult life. she stresses education, hard work, culture, and strong family ties. she is spiritual and isn't owned by material masters. she doesn't yell at me unless i have it coming. in fact, i can call her any time i want to, and she has an earful of good advice and counsel. even my dad tells me how proud he is of me everyday and hugs me when i see him. he sits and reads comics with me, lets me wear his hats, and watches bad television with me. my family is Christian in faith, but they'd never dream of ostracizing someone just because the morals and values don't line up. they're pretty open-minded [hell, they raised me]. they love indiscriminately and genuinely and don't hide behind a facade of holiness and superiority. we're REAL and cool! 

but, we're really poor [:(] my mom has a little apartment and we shop at thrift stores for cool stuff. the place is full of antique decorations, vintage clothing, costume jewelry, indie films, 80s music, comic books, and vampire literature. bad things happen to us all of the time and i won't describe all of it, but just know that it does. if you're a good person, you can imagine.

so, i run into bad luck occasionally, and as long as i'm alive, it's still bound to happen. my uncle is rich in the meantime, which helps cushion any of their other misfortunes maybe [or that's what they believe]. 

so, what's the point? rhetorically asking. i'm not going to sacrifice my own conventions anytime soon, but i'm asking anyway. i may or may not have one absolute answer, but whatever i believe must be good enough because i'm still on team Good Guy! and i give it a fabulous air! we should get tshirts and wear big, pink boas around the town.