suffering's meaning and direction.

i've been thinking a lot--about mortality. about my mortality, about suffering, life, and meaning.

the meaning of life is relative to each person blessed enough to breathing right now. it's a duty of mine to fill each day of my life with some sort of significance, but sometimes all of my efforts get lost in the chaos of the universe while i'm fighting it: finals, money, my depression, my libran inability to make decisions... it all conflicts with productivity. i literally won't even be able to see straight and i feel like shit; i feel like i'm worth shit.

at moments like that, my direction and motivation are gone. i feel worthless and hopeless [yeah, i'm a bit of a drama queen. i'd like to thank the Academy.] at even darker hours when my threshold for suffering is being tested, i want to give up completely.

here's a mental note to myself.

"a meaning to life is realative to different people because life itself is relative; it lends itself to circumstance, position, etc. the only thing that living people have in common with each other is that we all are alive.. no one is responsible for your life--from your birth to the day that dirt is thrown in your face, you are your own person. people with terminal illnesses have life. people living in poverty have life. severely depressed people all have life and it's theirs! and if they're insightful enough, they don't give up. they go to school, they wake up each day, they drink coffee and brush their hair in efforts of doing something with the life that they have despite its particular circumstances. stop being a damned baby and be fabulous in your position."

 okay, i've snapped out of it. and when my cramps are gone, i'll actually get off of my ass!
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ALSO, my blog is going private / friends-only soon because i have a few annoying and juvenile no-lives buzzing in my ear. if you're interested in continuing a blog circle with me and reading my future protected posts about a lot more candid material [i'm not a virgin--who would have guessed?!], use the form in the previous post. it's there to protect your email address; only i'll see it.

ciao, mes cheres.

girl love update.

this is a more personal example of girl love/jealousy/nastiness/genuine happiness being played out:

there was a not-so-nice mention of me and my struggle with depression on some girl's blog. she even commented about my thriftiness at staying at the EconoLodge, as if the hotel's name and my wallet didn't confirm it already. here is a blip of her post and my exact comments back.
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Here's me thinking, "Shouldn't you have a life by now?"

Seriously, I heard that the "artificial happy" pills work wonders. Of course, I have heard that they make you a little worse before you get any better. Started a new brand maybe? Well, trust me, just stick with it and you'll feel better in no time. You'll see the world through fresh, sane eyes. Maybe - just maybe - you'll even be able to truly move on!

Hmph. Good luck with that.

[...]

The vacation was great! Pretty relaxing to be able to escape the usual for a little while. We were even given a King bed suite upon arrival for no extra charge! French Quarter accommodations really are a far throw from a penny-pincher's Econolodge. Worth every cent I didn't have to pay! [...]

Divulged at 11:20:00 AM

2 Comments:

 ♥cherry. le. fait. said...

i'm glad that you're having fun and are so happy. Gala wrote a great article about 100 percent happiness without nastiness directed to other women. it's really good and not too long:
http://galadarling.com/article/jealousy-is-the-killer-of-girl-love

pay attention to quotes like:
"Similar to the way in which if you’re happy with yourself & your life, you don’t trawl the internet being nasty, if you’re happy & have good self-esteem, you don’t view other girls as competition any more either."
and
"One thing I’ve noticed over the last few years is that if you’re really happy with yourself & your life, or if you become that way after years of self-loathing or misery, the way that you interact with other people & the world around you completely changes."

you have better things to do than be passive aggressive toward me and poking fun at folks with severe depression. you had no reason to be jealous of me and to try to be "better" than me like your email said. that's a sad way to think. depression isn't a joke and you should know it. i struggle with it and i hate myself for letting it be a problem, and it's hardly a subject of jest. it's a full-time job managing it with the help of my doctors and whatever "fake happy" pills that they tell me to take, but i love myself and want to be more productive and able, so i do it.

you will feel so much happier when you stop it. and no one will have a reason to view you as "sad" or whatever. all of your energies should be directed towards positivity in your life and the baby's--not my mental state. that's what's most important. frankly, i can't be concerned with you when i have way too much on my plate already, and it should be the same for you.

you have a wonderful life, a baby coming, school, a man you care about, and lots of duties and promise to immerse yourself in and be happy about. now stop being counterproductive by even thinking about my or any other woman's existence and go be even happier!

May 3, 2009 5:46 PM  

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 ♥cherry. le. fait. said...

and of course the EconoLodge is cheap! it's in the name and that's why i did it! i was broke. i still am. why is this on your mind?

just an example of how you being silly/nasty is pointless.

you don't have time or a reason to be like that! it's unattractive. be happy that you can do better and BE the better person that you want to be.

good luck. you've got a lot going on and a lot going for you. me and everyone else's lives that are not in direct conflict with yours don't deserve your thoughts, comments, etc.

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internet fights and grudges are sad for many reasons, especially when they're pointless. if someone is so happy, why mention things that are so obviously beneath them? she has my ex and his baby and a full life to life. what does her life then have to do with me? i'm the one who has some moving on to do?

maybe it takes some growing out of, but everyone learns lessons at his or her own pace. it's not my problem now.

here's to really moving on and being genuinely happy! the proof is in the way you live your life [or update your blog]!

how else but through a broken heart may Lord Christ enter in?

i feel my depression taking a downward turn. i don't have motivation to blog or comment these days--sorry. not to mention, i've got a couple of exams to study for. i can't stay in a chipper mood all of the time! i need some space and time. i need my new book and tangible comfort. i need my family, my doctor, and my boyfriend [and maybe a new PS2 game]. hopefully Easter Break will be filled with this for me. it's about time for me to slow down and experience life. it's about time that somebody serenaded me and then did other stuff to me. i feel really awful, and i hate myself for getting like this. depression is a real issue and it should be managed. silly me for not taking care of myself! have a great week and i'll return all better very soon!

sugar for sex; we played chess.

the title sums up my weekend in a rush. went home for some rehabilitation and tearful prayers and fried fish. i scraped a beguiling pathogen from the roof of my significant other's mouth and now my stomach is being violent like his was being a week ago. in my opinion, we all need a stomach virus to sit us down and remind us to pause, think, and wash our hands after using the toilet.

instead of blogging, i've been holding back vomit, been writing, been saying "Alleluia" with my grandmother and my aunt after medication. when is Spring Break? when did i fail at being fabulous?

no, i actually feel fine now. i really do. anytime i feel my depression taking a down cycle, i have my resources that i fall back on to keep me afloat and it's nice! not trying to preach to you here, but The Serenity Prayer is great to pray or just say to yourself. also, John 14 is honey.

i have to study, as always. surely when these cooties have run their course, i can get back to my senses. use Lysol! use soap! don't eat unwashed food or kiss your germy manfriend too deeply even if his eyes are blue!

me, meds, and mondays.

i'm not ashamed to say that i need to take antidepressants to keep myself going on.

wait. that sounds waaay too dramatic.

fact is, that i can get on without them. that is to say, i wouldn't die, or go so crazy that i'd do myself in or hang a baby out of a window..

it's just that depression is a condition. it's hereditary for me. i believe also that it's part environmental, which leaves room for my own transcendence and self-treatment. i believe that eventually, i can get to a state of existence in which mood-modifying prescription medicine becomes quite useless, like art. but right now, i don't mind stating that i catch myself dragging my feet on some monday mornings, downing a thermos of black coffee, wearing sparkly black eyeliner like a raccoon to hide signs of unwellness, and remember that i forgot my meds, as tacky as it is to broadcast to readers that i've been diagnosed with severe clinical depression since i was twelve years old.

i also drink out of the soda bottles in the refrigerator without first pouring myself a glass. i just put my mouth directly on the bottle and put it back when i'm done. but then again, i pretty much live alone. i don't keep my legs perfectly shaven. i pick at my teeth in public..

i know that i'm not the only one with bad habits and behavior to be less-than-proud about. and yes, you have my permission and encouragement  to comment away. how about you? i ask.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

on the other hand [i have different fingers] and i must say that tomorrow is going to be filled with me, my best friend, and all of our fabulous crew for a night of birthday celebrations--not at my apartment but nearby. i have to make a store run to buy wine glasses, balloons, and a cocktail dress that matches my pumps--or pumps that match one of my cocktail dresses! i love fancy house parties. think: cigarette extenders, champagne, and jazz music. right up until we're all a little too, excuse my frankness, DRUNK and we're laughing and dancing to Quiet Riot and Queen. 

and i leave you with a song by one of my FAVORITE bands. Placebo's hit titled, appropriately enough, "Meds." good song, divine album. great mood music for heading out downtown.

i fucking hate egocentricism.

i was in Fondren today at the coffee house and everything looked sickeningly uniform for such a funky part of town. everyone had the same bumper stickers. every girl had the same haircut and dress. every guy had the same box of cigarettes and ordered the same flavor if iced tea. i was there looking to the left at the skate shop where this celebrity fella used to worked and still hangs out at hoping that he'd pop out from behind the bushes. the same guy who treated me like a groupie because i basically gave him the go-ahead. the guy with the [ugly] girlfriend. makes me sick to my stomach after he did what it is that he did to me. looked to the right and was expecting my ex to show up like he said that he would just to shoot the breeze with a familiar person. none of the cars passing down the street were his. i puffed at my cigarettes and felt more lonely than i had in a long time.

in more details, the celebrity guy that i was almost certain was gonna come to his senses and sense my girlfriend potential and make it official for me txted--for a booty call. exciting? yeah. i even drove to his house and he doesn't care about how my photo shoot went. even larry asked me how it went and how much i was paid. the celebrity guy just asked me what i was doing later with every intent on cheating on his girlfriend with me--AGAIN. i said something that was no way involved with him, the movie theatre. not some dumb hotel party tonight and he asked me to get back at him later. i said "Maybe" with a smile, but i still said maybe with all the intentions of "No." hope he got it. i won't be taking any more of his games, won't be going over his fabulous space for anime and nookie after midnight. it's just so funny how we were potentially REALLY good mates, beautiful i'd even venture to say. and now i have to deal with what he did to me for the rest of my life and wonder if i'll ever find some beautiful guy that doesn't leave me wanting for anything.

kind of a depressing topic when alone at the coffee house with nothing but a raspberry tea and Marlboro Lights for company.

forgive me.

it's been pretty much a year of me blogging here and i can't fucking believe that i have had sooo much free time, or at least, made such free time for myself when i have other very pressing duties always coming up and blighting my life. i suppose there is always time for contemplation; thinking is something that i value highly, so of course i can blog when i really should be checking on my summer classes or trying to get to a doctor--only after having first afforded to see ANYONE with a medical degree. i might just have to wait almost a decade and treat myself. hopefully i will not have hanged myself or killed anyone by then.

speaking of hanging myself:

today has been awful. i don't know why. yesterday, i didn't muse on anything depressing for long. but, i also went outside for at least a second and actually saw the sun. today i have not left my nightgown and robe. only just recently took off my had rag. been reading Anne Rice's Christ the Lord: Out of Egypt and am loving it immensely. it's not affecting me religiously. it's shocking me really because of the restraint. she is definitely brave for attempting to write a biography of Christ. but back to my hanging.. my family has instilled in me and practices the idea of forgiveness of the unconditional variety. they embrace me and urge me to do so with people, a few people in particular if youk now anything about me, and blah blah blah. but if they can forgive so readily even when it still hurts, even when it doesn't seem to do any good, even seems to hurt a little bit more just to forgive.. why can't i forgive myself?

i'm not done. i'll be back on the same subject soon. maybe after my lab tomorrow.

whatever, bitch[es].

im so stupid and am having some sour luck because this is the second time that i'm trying to publish this post. i fucking called him i called larry and some [im assuming] woman picked up. didnt say anything, though. all i heard was larry yell at [perhaps] her, "no!"

offensive, disrespectful, confusing, devastating when i need it least. went to walmart in my leggings not to let the old men who work there stare me down and say, "Jesuss..."

i have a vague coffee date tomorrow.

alone with detatchment.

well let me start off by saying that yes--i feel incredibly alone right now. i'm trying to become an adult here on my own at college, but it's harder than i assumed it to be for me with my unique condition. i have all of the normal burdens of a university girl and now i have to tackle my immense loneliness , too! fuck triage.

i read some Poe, "Alone," and all it did was remind me of an awesome book that i lost as a girl. Demon in my View by an Amelia Rhodes, je pense. she alludes to Poe with the title of her work. damnit, even Poe can't match my depression! i seriously read it and think that well, he was drunk at the time, so it's still better off than i am.

then i Googled "loneliness." can you believe that there is a wikiHow website? good gracious, who doesn't have a wiki now? i want one... well here is what its intelligence has to say on the subject:

Remember that we are all alone inside our heads; we are born and die alone; it's nothing special. Every person who has ever lived has been lonely. Love wouldn't exist without loneliness to inspire it. Look at your loneliness with detachment.

how fucking emo is that for you?
it goes on to suggest other things like getting off of your lazy ass and doing something like taking a walk, which i might be doing soon.

what do you think? what is an effective option to take when combating loneliness?

respect me, or go marry some other broad.

wow. i just left 4chan.org and got off to one of the animated gifs from the message boards. good stuff. i do believe that i needed that. a lot of shit has been going on to where i feel like asking why the world has decided to be especially unfair to me lately. my fucking fiancé [yeah, that's right. we haven't broken up] can't mature enough to give me the respect that a woman who is about to married deserves. i don't give a damn what women he has in his life... save his mother and sisters, i'm the only one that should ever matter. this is very much a "fuck everybody else" attitude, but if he was serious about spousing me, i wouldn't have to bitch and moan here. honestly: what kind of child can't see that a fucking future wife comes before other bitches, before EVERYTHING? i don't even ask for much. it's not like we share rent and a cell phone bill.. i just want his dedication. excuuuse me for being so fucking crazy as to assume that i deserve as much!

i have a yeast infection?!

hung out with an earlier mentioned "Jay" figure yesterday. fiancé felt the need to snoop around on other people's phones, as if i didn't know or couldn't tell, just because i was with a friend! screw that, because he blew me off just prior to that day for one of his friends [not treating me like we're engaged]. i don't apologize for it, just the lying part. i'd do it again. i'm getting sick of being treated like shit and feeling guilty for shit that isn't really a crime.

i have NOT been taking my antidepressants, so i feel even more like complete garbage than i should. i fell alseep in my French class today and might as well have not even wasted my time with this math assignment. i've really got to bring those grades up. i really need a perm because my parents thought it was cool to conform to beauty standards before i could make a decision otherwise.

i'm still really fucking lonely. didn't even put on any makeup today [but guys still stop and admire my face :)]. i'm really lonely...

i'm missing that completion that comes with a spotless childhood where a daddy calls his girl baby and can't hide is pride in her. i just wanted him to come to my graduation, perhaps, or just one of my many dance concerts. it would be so simple to blame my vices on the structure of my family, but that'd also be weak.

i didn't ever light up a cigarette because i was thinking about daddy.
i didn't ever cling to worthless men, because daddy wasn't there.
anytime that i come up short is not daddy's irresponsibly depressing me.

in fact, the reason that i am so depressed right now is because life's nature tends to force urges of giving up onto one. i'm not giving up, though. the sad truth is that i am so strong: i don't need my father to... whatever.

questions and long puzzles.

i really don't know what i'm doing. i can't even make it look good. i just wish all of this were a bit more simple to figure out, a little easier.

sleep and sleep and sleep.

i just really would rather not wake up on time in the morning. contemplating not waking up at all, as if i can control that. there is a dying kitten in my lap, a sucky boyfriend, an asshole ex, and a scary future that i am being catapulted into. i just want to be numb to everything and not feel a thing until tomorrow sometime.
the thing is that i have no distractions. i don't have any fancies to occupy my mind, and it's all my own fault. what i want is a car of my own, a pocketfull of money and a vacation destination. i'm settling for Blood and Gold and the internet.
not much more waxing that i can accomplish. hopefully i will be good and tired before something else takes an offensive turn.