on the rocky horror.

oh, there is a reason that The Rocky Horror Picture Show has probably eluded you. it takes quite a person to survive it! imagine long lines of girls in fishnets and high-heels and men in corsets and pumps. imagine ball gags, wigs, congealed blood, and Time Warping domestics and Transylvanians. ah, so cool!

i have pictures:
i love it!

why you wish you were me.

this post is one in which i explicitly relate to you an occurance during which you would have loved to have been me!

just know that i'm jizzing my panties as i type and am having way too much fun this weekend. it doesn't add up the way that you're imagining...

i went home this weekend to help my mother with her health fair. about a handful of RNs told me to not marry for love right now unless i just happen to fall in love with a liscensed surgeon when i am finished with grad school.

i've had Krispy Kreme [thanks, MiMaw] and Raising Cane's all in the same day.

i finally have some Vicky's Secret and their new Supermodel Tote.

i'm ovulating and feel very steamy. my tongue is hanging out of my mouth right now.

i smell like Love Spell and i'm going to have so much fun in my clean sheets tonight :)

i am SO sick of seeing the little blonde girls with their cigarettes puffing away in the cold. they're petite and pretty dressed in skirts and heels smoking like chimneys between classes as if their tiny lungs can take the abuse. i know that i'm trying to quit myself; i've been virtually smoke-free for about 10 days [:)]. tell me what the fuck a little Barbie-girl needs with Marlboro. i don't get it!

i remember smoking. my mouth was filled with the smell and taste of cinders. everytime i coughed or spit, there was the fulsome taste of smoke. i'd even randomly burp and sure enough, i'd be surprised with a little cloud coming from my mouth. my mouth secreted the flavor because it was in my blood.. what if i started to sweat Marlboro-scented sweat, or pissed smoke smell? or even worse--look down to find smoke-reeking jizz in my panties at the end of the day? sick!

nothing too profound, sorry. just a note about my day so far. also, i have fucking finished my math until sunday and it's not even 6P, yet! i didn't even fail everything! it all should average out pretty nice, actually!

lime-colored piss and going home.

okay, i just have to say that today my piss was the color of RockStar energy drink. i'm nothing less than thrilled that i'll be home around 4P today! maybe i can do my annual shopping during which i go out and actually pay full price for items in a real shop. i'm very excited. then it's off to help my "J" who has probably killed herself by now. next is my boy-toy/fiancé whom i can't stay away from. creepy. yeah, i'm crazy. some people only gave us two days apart and they were right. speaking of two, two of the damned goldfish have died in little plastic bags of water when my brother was changing the bowl/tank. oops! somebody has to make a Wal-Mart run before my little cousin notices anything funny!

fuck you, "Jay" for blowing hanging out with me all week and just now contacting me at 3A today! i'm going home to be with people who are seriously worth my time! yay Mississippi, but Roll Tide, anyway!

answered prayer.

just yesterday, i prayed [something that i don't do very often AT ALL] and i asked God to increase my territory for a wider ministry for him. today my beloved friend-girl who is about as unstable as i am called in a crisis over some boy who she is in love with up and leaving her without a warning. boy, could i relate, right? so i open my mouth to this bitch and what i keep telling her is that since she is newly "saved" and she has the Lord very intimately in her life, what need has she for another man? sure, she loved the boy and got so comfortable with him that she trained her body to crave him when she was alone, but she never needed him, nor does she need him now. i relate it [the clinginess] to drug addiction myself. no joke. it's strong stuff that i'm discussing here. so, surprised at myself for even being able to continuously think on such a religious plane, i am convinced that my prayer was answered when i helped out my insane friend. now i have something to look forward to this weekend with her! i love my "J."

the now ex-fiancé.

is there something wrong with me? am i just not a good enough person to deserve to be treated with any amount of respect? am i really such a low, base cheater with no hope for redemption? are my mistakes supposed to follow me and make it okay for me to settle for abuse?

yeah, i fucking broke up with my now ex-fiancé. whatthefuck. it's been about three years of me being in love with this man and look what i have to show for it. a bunch of frustration and confusion, the ever-present teenage angst. i for one need to grow the fuck up. i can come to terms with my mistakes: i've cheated on him in the past. i have a flirtatious nature. i can't keep the boys away from me [only because they know a good woman when they see her]. but if you are willing to stay in the relationship with me, you need to trust me and get over it while we work to improve the future, or leave me alone. the same goes for myself. if i can't get over the fact that my emotions were constantly being neglected, that i was being disrespected so perpetually that i for got what decency felt like, then i need to move the fuck on. the time is come for me to assume the role of a worthwhile woman who deserves respect and who makes any man believe that there ARE consequences for doing me wrong.

don't stay someplace that doesn't feel right. this was such a learning phase. i've tasted love and i know what i can take. i know what type of person i am and who i would like to be and i also know what type of person that i deserve and how to move away from bad situations, such as this one. there is always room for redemption. i deserve a good man who respects me on a regular basis and the man who i am with deserves me to be the best woman that i can be and also for me to have the desire to reciprocate the respect. that just wasn't the case this time.

my current prayer.

God, please grant me the victory of knowing that once i allow myself to be dependent upon You and only You that the right people in my life will come and find blessed homes in Your ministry within me. i am a vessel of Your glory, word, and works. You will be evident in me. i will attract Godly company to fulfill my life in ways that temporary fixes can only mimic. they are the pale shadow of what needs to truly be mine. the Lord is my shepherd and i shall not want for anything that man seductively offers me with all of the wrong intentions. i will wait for the right people to come into my life because it is worth the wait, of course, and i will not selfishly hold on to shallow friendships which are not in my best interest, at all. thank You. Amen.

it feels so good to be home!!! i'm so sick of hearing "Roll Tide" that i could vomit crimson and houndstooth. i love my own bed, Momma's cakes, and my pets. i love the State Fair, the weather, and romantic txts. i love my perm and the cash that i'm going to buy some Vicky's Secret with! !

alone with detatchment.

well let me start off by saying that yes--i feel incredibly alone right now. i'm trying to become an adult here on my own at college, but it's harder than i assumed it to be for me with my unique condition. i have all of the normal burdens of a university girl and now i have to tackle my immense loneliness , too! fuck triage.

i read some Poe, "Alone," and all it did was remind me of an awesome book that i lost as a girl. Demon in my View by an Amelia Rhodes, je pense. she alludes to Poe with the title of her work. damnit, even Poe can't match my depression! i seriously read it and think that well, he was drunk at the time, so it's still better off than i am.

then i Googled "loneliness." can you believe that there is a wikiHow website? good gracious, who doesn't have a wiki now? i want one... well here is what its intelligence has to say on the subject:

Remember that we are all alone inside our heads; we are born and die alone; it's nothing special. Every person who has ever lived has been lonely. Love wouldn't exist without loneliness to inspire it. Look at your loneliness with detachment.

how fucking emo is that for you?
it goes on to suggest other things like getting off of your lazy ass and doing something like taking a walk, which i might be doing soon.

what do you think? what is an effective option to take when combating loneliness?

romantic compatibility

Romance Style
You are a Traditional
Red roses, chocolate truffles and champagne say it all for you. Whether you're playing Prince Charming or looking for him, you want things to be right out of a fairy tale. Traditional females have a harder time in love than their male counterparts; if they're not paired with someone who can show them affection, they may retreat into a world of romance novels and Nora Ephron movies, while Traditional males are generally snatched up like hotcakes! Looking to turn up the heat? Read what our sex expert, Tracey Cox, has to say about expressing yourself sexually.

Larry is a Traditional
Red roses, chocolate truffles and champagne say it all for you. Whether you're playing Prince Charming or looking for him, you want things to be right out of a fairy tale. Traditional females have a harder time in love than their male counterparts; if they're not paired with someone who can show them affection, they may retreat into a world of romance novels and Nora Ephron movies, while Traditional males are generally snatched up like hotcakes! Looking to turn up the heat? Read what our sex expert, Tracey Cox, has to say about expressing yourself sexually.

Your Romantic Compatibility:
Traditional/Traditional: You'll both agree on engraved invitations to a white wedding, we're sure, and live happily ever after. Then you can head on over to the Newlyweds message board and share your stories with other women just like you.

Sexual Style
You are a Spicy
You like it hot! You have a healthy sexual appetite, and your sense of playfulness and adventure really excites your mate. Although you don't blindly (or unsafely) say yes to any sexual escapade, your list of "nevers" is not that long. For more fun ideas, check out the articles by our sex expert, Tracey Cox. (Warning: Her tips can get pretty explicit!) And don't miss these creative sex games. Plus: If you want personal advice fast, head to the Have Hotter Sex message board right now.

Larry is a Spicy
You like it hot! You have a healthy sexual appetite, and your sense of playfulness and adventure really excites your mate. Although you don't blindly (or unsafely) say yes to any sexual escapade, your list of "nevers" is not that long. For more fun ideas, check out the articles by our sex expert, Tracey Cox. (Warning: Her tips can get pretty explicit!) And don't miss these creative sex games. Plus: If you want personal advice fast, head to the Have Hotter Sex message board right now.

Your Sexual Compatibility:
Spicy/Spicy: Ooh-la-la! You two are a great match. You both enjoy sex and are willing to experiment. For more fun ideas, let our sex expert, Tracey Cox, help you expand your horizons even more. (Warning: Her tips can get pretty explicit--but you probably won't mind!) And don't miss these creative sex games. Plus: If you want personal advice fast, head to the Have Hotter Sex message board right now.

Communication Style
You are a Talker
You're someone who gets his or her thoughts out on the table -- you'd rather let your feelings be known than keep them bottled up inside. But your listening skills could use some work.

Larry is a Compromiser
You don't like friction, and because of your desire for smooth sailing, you welcome your partner's suggestions and point of view. You choose your battles wisely, but you don't always get to the heart of the matter, preferring instead to keep the peace.

Your Communication Compatibility:
Talker/Compromiser: You two have a good shot at success, but the Talker could use some guidance on how to stop talking long enough to listen. Need expert help? Get it right now from Dr. Brenda Shoshanna, the Relationship Saver. Find the guidance you need by reading her articles -- or by posting your questions on the Ask the Relationship Saver message board.

Astrological Assessment
You are a Libra
In love relationships, Libra is playful and romantic. The great strength of the Libra-born is their drive for peace and harmony. Their skill at seeing all sides of a situation makes Libra one of the most fair-minded characters of the zodiac.

Larry is a Capricorn
In love, Capricorn is devoted, not daring. The great strength of the Capricorn-born is their ability to set goals and keep working until those goals are achieved. Their hard work makes Capricorn one of the most successful characters of the zodiac.

Astrological Compatibility:
When Libra and Capricorn come together, the success of the relationship depends on both partners' ability to agree on similar interests. The similarities aren't always easy to spot, however. Libra is extroverted and derives satisfaction from public interaction. Capricorn is more calculated, steering clear of distractions while moving steadily toward a set goal. Both signs will certainly reach their destination, following two very different paths that can still merge. The best aspect of the Libra-Capricorn relationship is that they each bring their own qualities to the partnership. Once they allow each other to be themselves -- rather than getting in each other's way -- they can blend well to make a whole. Theirs is a challenging relationship, but they can learn from each other if they maintain the effort.

Engagement Club

1. The first rule of Engagement club is: you do not talk about Engagement Club.
2. The second rule of engagement club is: you DO NOT talk about Engagement Club.
3. If a fiancé(e) says "stop," goes limp, taps out, the engagement is over.
4. Only two really hopeful people to an engagement.
5. One engagement at a time.
6. No wedding band, yet no looking back, ether.
7. Engagements will go on as long as they have to [even years].
8. If this is your first night at Engagement Club, you have to make a bigger deal out of it than is necessary.

haha!

we will NEVER understand each other.

i have to say: i am in love with larry. either that, or i need a lobotomy to correct this waste of about 2 years' time. i probably will be needing a lobotomy, anyways.

i wish that we didn't have to fall in love and out of love with each other sometimes. it's so volatile and you can't really trust anything unstable now, can you? the Godly convention of marriage is bastardized everyday and it feels like nothing i do can breakup-proof my relationships. it's just like standing in the rain: humans have invented so much technology to overcome burdens [electricity, radiation, AIDS medicine], but we still can't do anything about a storm except carry around an umbrella.

no, fuck that. i hate even more how we can't understand each other; we open our mouths to speak--imagine fish faces--and all of this inaudible, incomprehensible "stuff" flies out at the other person, attacking them. and then it's their turn, which means that it's now you who feels assaulted and intimidated... you can talk all day to someone and still not make them understand. it's so frustrating when everyone i know speaks the same language as i do. we might as well not... yay for the francophone. what am i going to do now? keep trying?
yeah.

respect me, or go marry some other broad.

wow. i just left 4chan.org and got off to one of the animated gifs from the message boards. good stuff. i do believe that i needed that. a lot of shit has been going on to where i feel like asking why the world has decided to be especially unfair to me lately. my fucking fiancé [yeah, that's right. we haven't broken up] can't mature enough to give me the respect that a woman who is about to married deserves. i don't give a damn what women he has in his life... save his mother and sisters, i'm the only one that should ever matter. this is very much a "fuck everybody else" attitude, but if he was serious about spousing me, i wouldn't have to bitch and moan here. honestly: what kind of child can't see that a fucking future wife comes before other bitches, before EVERYTHING? i don't even ask for much. it's not like we share rent and a cell phone bill.. i just want his dedication. excuuuse me for being so fucking crazy as to assume that i deserve as much!

i have a yeast infection?!

hung out with an earlier mentioned "Jay" figure yesterday. fiancé felt the need to snoop around on other people's phones, as if i didn't know or couldn't tell, just because i was with a friend! screw that, because he blew me off just prior to that day for one of his friends [not treating me like we're engaged]. i don't apologize for it, just the lying part. i'd do it again. i'm getting sick of being treated like shit and feeling guilty for shit that isn't really a crime.

i have NOT been taking my antidepressants, so i feel even more like complete garbage than i should. i fell alseep in my French class today and might as well have not even wasted my time with this math assignment. i've really got to bring those grades up. i really need a perm because my parents thought it was cool to conform to beauty standards before i could make a decision otherwise.

i'm still really fucking lonely. didn't even put on any makeup today [but guys still stop and admire my face :)]. i'm really lonely...