i'm a fiancée!

oh, alright. i did it. I. Did. It. i got engaged. not a fake high school-aged "engagement" without a ring, but with immature sex and horny love--but a slightly older engagement with lots of every kind of sex and even more horny love.

i've been taking pictures of my ring since the morning after it happened and i could still tear up when some of my college pals call me from the next state over to ask about proposal details. "ahhhhh!"

i'm not going to turn into one of those crazy marriage-minded bridezilla bitches. i CANNOT become more crazy than i already am; there just simply isn't any room.

catching up on all of my commenting now. thanks for all of the "aww"s and "congrat"s! gotta hurry up and party tonight!

ciao.

ahhh!!! :D

i haven't stopeed screaming/crying since yesterday when it happened! what does this mean? will i stop being so cool? will i gain weight? will i get pregnant [HEL NO!]?

more than likely, i'll just continue to be fabulous with this ring on my finger. i'll post the whole proposal story later and upload it to our wedding website. that. guy. is. smart. and i'm damned lucky and SO HAPPY! i'm in a cloud of love so thick it's making other people sick! haha--and my mom told Andy "no givsies backsies!" after she expressed how glad she was to get rid of me :D

no baby so no fathers' day!!!

what?

yeah.

me and andy headed out to stare at a cup of my urine while we waited for the strip to turn pink. one line; not pregnant, right?


then where were my lady days for an additional week? i never thought that i would actually wish them upon myself. there was a lot of sitting on my ass and waiting and worrying and acquiring some Yaz.

what if i was pregnant? even if i doubted it with good reasoning severely.. am i ready to get fat, sacrifice my time and money or andy's time and money to raise some bad-ass little zebra-striped biracial baby?

well, i'm obviously not. and good thing, too. i have nothing to worry about! i have the Pill to take now. andy is gorgeous. my legs are all smooth. andy's parents are out of state for an entire week which gives me and him free reign over that big ole house... but i'm bleeding. i even blessed his thigh mid-nookie with the surprise of no babies. FAIL.

and i feel like shit. happy fathers' day to anyone! [not me and andy :)] ciao.

i've got fans and i'm a bitch [fixed and reposted]

okay! i've fixed the email form! go ahead and resubmit. same post, just spiffied up:

1. 4 return visits. 


2. i've got the IP addy
   


3. i can even kind of tell what area of town she stays in. 


4. referring link is that of one of my blogger friends. 


5. and this is NOT the first time that she's been so smart; look at my "advice" to her.
   

i feel really lame for being the target of a mindless internet grudge and i hate having to feel upset and angry! but some folks are just ape-shit crazy and don't know how to move on.

she's pregnant by my undeserving and sloppy leftovers, emailed me admitting to a sad and self-conscious struggle with trying to be "better" than me [poor girl, it will NEVER happen that way], and borrows folks' blogger friends, just like a mature mother, to fill her void of a life? looks like someone not only doesn't have a life but is trying to be a second-rate copy and live mine. it's a sad, sad thing when folks living in their own alternate realities can't see the truth, but it's entirely flattering! thank you, ladies and gentlemen.. i am thankful for every schizo fan..

i'm honestly never a bitch unless it is absolutely necessary. i'm tired of feeling like i'm throwing a mangy, stray cat away just for the thing to return because i fed it once! so to stop the feeding...

TP & PP is going "friends only" like my old LiveJournal days. here's to more candid posts and protecting your email addresses [and my ass] if you're interested! here's to me moving on and away again. here's to the world continuing to turn.

Fields marked * are required
name *
email *
url
Krispy Kreme?
or Dunkin?
Security Code:	Please enter the 5 character code you see in the image to the left. Very case-sensitive! Code:
	BFN Secure Web Mail System

start of summer 09

somebody had to do it!
i'm home and everybody wants it to be FOR GOOD. and it feels good right now, so maybe i'll stay. lot's of exciting things happening at home. my boyfriend's older brother bought some property in a historic district downtown and he's turning it into a bar / hangout spot. i'm excited! it'll be an easy, comfortable way for me [and any of my buddies] to get involved in the night life with no gunshots and no "one-race-only" atomosphere.

also, i'm really excited about: raising five kittens, being with my little cousins, eating breakfast for the first time EVER, thrifting, buying video games, being with Andy and remembering how exactly in love with him i am.

woah! a Trojan Condoms commercial just played.. "ride out these tough times together," America? that's some thick innuendo! using protection should not be too hard to stay on top of!

things i'm going to do this summer

• buy a MacBook


• watch the new Wolverine movie and convince folks that it was Andy's idea


• hang out at Frank Jones' Corner


• maybe move home and get a place?!!


• purchase and read a book for leisure


• get a job that doesn't involve me digging up old, orange booty shorts of mine
  

things i've done so far

• make friends with ladies in the wig shop


• have a dog kiss me in the mouth


• gotten a prescription for BC


• add on to my personal literary projects


• eat way too much Subway


• fought with both of my little brothers in one day [actually in five minutes]
  

hope everyone gave each and every woman in his or her life who has ever been pregnant the BIGGEST kiss ever on sunday. haven't blogged in forever, but now i feel like i should do it even less often and expand my life some more. i'm going to live my life and leave you wishing that you could live it too!

everyone should do this! be a busy, cocky asshole. i've done it before and free time shouldn't get in the way of it.

quotes [and happy summer]!

i'm not going to have time to really, formally blog again until after this week. so everyone have a great start of summer! i know that I'M going to :)

and i leave you with these cutsie things i picked up from photobucket:

girl love.

i'm still studying. and i'm starving, btw. someone go fetch me a Subway roasted chicken salad.

i've been a shitty presence in the blog world: been busy taking my fake girlfriend to buy wigs and spending way too much money at KFC. been camped out on my sofa reading at least three books at a time. i really just want to finish my finals and get home to my family and Andy's mother's cooking family. how is YOUR life?

hope that you're not wasting any time by being jealous. i'll explain:

aside from just filling your life with negative energy, jealousy and losing control of that emotion can lead you down a detrimental path and even cause you friend, or just some time you could be using to buy me groceries before i collapse.

Gala wrote a great article about girl love--and not the kind that Lindsey Lohan has for her DJ woman. it's short; go ahead and read it.

even if you don't want to be friends with a girl, definitely don't focus your energies on being nasty to her or even thinking nasty things about her. it's so trivial. instead, fix what it is inside of you that is weak enough and making you insecure enough to dislike her. and then avoid her. you don't have to love the bitch, but you don't want to go around getting wrinkles and being bitter with your "friends" while you all chain smoke and whisper bad things about people in the corner--not that i used to do this to everybody, that is.

when i was younger, i was bullied--ALOT. girls hated me, cut my hair, were nasty to me, tried to hit me, etc. and i didn't do anything to deserve it. i never did anything to cross them. i never looked for a fight. i pretty much stayed in my Francine Pascal's Fearless books and listened to *NSYNC [shut up]. at the time, it made me miserable and confused that these girls hated me so much, but now i've since chalked it up to jealousy.

and it's hilarious, because in my mind, i had nothing to be jealous of! the other girls were the ones with all of the friends and name-brand clothes! i was a loser with weird music and second hand clothes. i STILL have second hand clothes and i'm frankly pissed that being thrifty and vintage is in style now when i never had a choice otherwise! funny, funny, funny.

clearly it doesn't take a genius to fake confidence or happiness and it takes nothing less than a strong, fabulous woman to pursue genuine satisfaction.

right now, i'd say that i'm on a positive path, or at least i hope so: i love my family, i've developed some genuine friendships, i have a phenomenal man, i'm successful.. these are things that i didn't have to buy or force myself into for the convenience and comfort. hell, i was single for a damned year before me and Andy hooked up [it wasn't a rebound or desperation]. and if i ever find myself not liking a lady for whatever reason, i avoid her instead of wasting time and energy ranting about her--or i fix whatever is in myself that might make me jealous of her. because frankly, if i'm being the best person that i can be, then i don't have time to think about another woman, let alone dislike her for shit that she didn't even do to me!

but if some lady DOES do something to you, then disregard good reason and flat all of her tires with a knife.


i'm kidding. or, at least don't blame me if you get caught. be sneaky.

how else but through a broken heart may Lord Christ enter in?

i feel my depression taking a downward turn. i don't have motivation to blog or comment these days--sorry. not to mention, i've got a couple of exams to study for. i can't stay in a chipper mood all of the time! i need some space and time. i need my new book and tangible comfort. i need my family, my doctor, and my boyfriend [and maybe a new PS2 game]. hopefully Easter Break will be filled with this for me. it's about time for me to slow down and experience life. it's about time that somebody serenaded me and then did other stuff to me. i feel really awful, and i hate myself for getting like this. depression is a real issue and it should be managed. silly me for not taking care of myself! have a great week and i'll return all better very soon!

marital rape is legal

assuming the worst, that is. i almost threw up when i read this article from the Bust magazine website. apparently, a married woman can't refuse sex from her husband if this bill is passed. how disgusting. if that country doesn't want the world to think that it's full of monkeys, then a bad job is being done of it. i could spit in the supporters' eyes. don't fuck with me and women's rights.

on a lighter note:

TGIF!!! i need a break! i've been pissing blood thanks to a sanitation issue, but i'm better. i drove an hour away to be with my manfriend for the weekend while he was performing. credit card statements will go back to my house stating "EconoLodge." how classy. i literally walked up onto a celebrity downtown there: i noticed some old guys flirting with me, so i asked them for a light for my Andy's cigar since they were talking to me. turns out, one of them is C. L. Blast [and here]. he introduced himself and showed me a picture of himself with Isaac Hayes from way back when they used to perform together. then i asked him to sign my program. it was great. he had forgotten what year it was and it was so cute.

after we left the hotel together, one of Andy's teachers said to him "I know that you're gonna play good today!" the jazz performances were great. yes, Andy does it all. him and his university sounded divine and jazz isn't even my cup of tea.

i need another break soon. i miss singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" with Andy in the van. i miss kicking someone in my sleep. i don't miss nearly killing everyone on I-20 on my drive there and back for that weekend.

tried to pull the pregnancy joke on my mom for April 1st. she cursed me the fuck out and and told me to buy a test to make sure. then she said that she was coming after me with a clothes hanger. shit. she got the joke and started laughing and apologized for calling me a skank-ass whore. she was SO angry! it was funny how Andy went from being her "favorite son-in-law" to "that sorry motherfucker" in two seconds. Daddy laughed and said that he would choke the shit out of him until he turned purple--and marriage? no one is taking his daughter unless they're employed, have a house, two cars, and are damned near running for Congress first!

oh boy.


me and C.L. Blast and his signature both taken with my Pantech C150.

lovely milestones.

i don't feel like typing in an exaggerated and ornamented diction. i'm not putting on a show here; there's no need to.

i'm in a lovey dovey mood. i love this approaching, fluffy holiday designed to empty our pockets and brains. i've done both with a zombie grin on my face. me and andy have become the couple that folks vomit at, complete with love poems to each other and "i love you!" messages on FBook everyday. yuck!

Most Importantly I Love You

Like the Sun watches over and warms the earth, I love you
Like a flower grows it's whole life toward that sunlight, i love you
Like bees swarm to that beautiful flower, I love you
Like the bear climbs only to fight his way through an army of angry, buzzing, stinging bees for but a taste of that sweet life changing honey, I love you.

yeah. this one was a public one from him; hope he doesn't mind. i respect the privacy of those sweet, little drabbles reserved to my inbox--and there are many.

today, told one of my buddies who happens to frown on a few of the losers from my past more than i do to stop updating me about their sad, hypocritical "progress" [they must be making some now]. i told her to support the fact that i have a while ago given up actually caring and will chalk up any nonsense to... well, nonsense. my friend has been known to tell me: but, cherry! they're splicing desperation into "love!" she's wanted to be you and she admitted to emulating you! look how sad and funny things have turned out! there's no need for her to alert me of any updates, stay their friend online just to nose around, etc. those folks can do whatever moves them. it's what i do! i mean, hey--it's obvious that everything has worked out to my benefit. there's no need to parade it around. a satisfied giggle under my breath every now and then will more-than suffice. haha.. and those links are to articles @ galadarling.com, btw--i luff her! i'm currently reading one on how to make my desk more inspiring.

i'm going home on Thursday to spend time with some valuable folks and give them gifts this weekend. my Innamortato has made plans for us to play Monopoly during our Valentine's night and i really hope that he is kidding. seriously though: we're going to see the new Friday the 13th movie [i'd prefer Coraline] and have some dinner plans among other stuff, and a thimble better have nothing to do with it! unless...
i washed my hair with Sensual aromatherapy shampoo, my diet and working out is making me look sexy, sexy. i spent $25 on eight chic clothing items at the thrift store. two of my guy friends washed my car for the first time that it's been with me.i'm getting good at beer pong chess. my grades are superb: my orgo chem professor called me an overachiever.

rambling, i realize that one doesn't need a person to be in love with this time of year [other than their own, fabulous self that is!] there are surely plenty of things in each person's life that they can love--things with value and not just a price, or a penis.

thx, here.

be the change, now change your sheets!

how exciting was yesterday?! even if we all can't agree on politics [which i love], you have to agree that the President's speech just gave you little butterflies of [i can't find a better word] Hope all in your belly, if you cared to listen to it. it was relieving and gave me good feelings all day. not to mention, i imagined how hungover my boyfriend was in D.C. that day, which made me laugh. what did yesterday do to you? i've already read some posts, but surely there's more. did you cry? did you care? did you drink too much and walk around in D.C. hungover before your performance like someone's man?

i have a cold. don't ask me how i went from recovering from my fever to catching a cold. my roomie just had a fever, so now i'm dousing the apartment in Lysol. i fell asleep one night with my vibrator running and woke up--and it still was on! i could have burned my clitoris off! what would my doctor have said?

and this is funny. absolutely funny:
---------------------
Heavily Tripping

Andy tripped along rapturously. He was on his way to meet his lover, Cherry, for Valentine's Day. He smiled to see a clown hopping along, carrying a box of wine in its mouth.

Andy was almost by the balls when he came across a horny cake, lying alone on a soap-scented plate. "That must be a treat from my peppery bear," he said to himself, and tripped over to it. The cake looked chunky, so he ate it.

It gave him the most with abandon tingling sensation in his ass. "How unusual!" he said and continued tripping to see Cherry.
When Cherry came out to meet him, she took one look and fell over.
"What is it?" Andy cried covertly.
"Your collar bone! And your inside of the elbow!" Cherry said. "They're intense! Can't you feel it?"
Andy felt his collar bone and his inside of the elbow. They were indeed quite intense. "Oh, no!" Andy said. "I'm a woman!" He, or rather, she started to cry. "It must have been that horny cake you left for me. Did you know what it would do?"
"I didn't leave you any cake," Cherry said. "I got you a coffee mug. It must have been that vagina-oriented man who lives nearby. He acts a little morbidly, ever since he pat a hair pin."
"But how can you ever love me, now that I'm a woman?" Andy sobbed.
"Well, I never knew how to tell you this," Cherry said speedily, "but I actually prefer women. And I think your collar bone is really luminous like that."
"Really?" Andy dried her tears. Andy kissed Cherry and it was an entirely green sensation, like rats in a cornfield.

They spent the night having entirely green sex, until the cake wore off suddenly.
Everything was rather awkward after that.
---------------------
and before you ask: NO, i'm not any crazier than usual. i went here to create this drabble! it's fun!

and pictures! The Slut Hut! or my apartment. still decorating and organizing.

i'm better and back, bitches!

my fever burning behind the eyes is gone. it was replaced by a cold last night. but i took what i'm almost certain was a sinus pill, and i'm A-OK today. i'm loving my new place. i feel all snooty and grown-up. it's a gated apartment complex and i have a fancy parking decal and a mailbox! i've got an address! part of the city now, and not just the school! me and T [my only roomie and also my besite which is very convenient] have decorated really cutely and trashed the place each weekend for "hanging out" with our friends who don't have a place suitable for entertaining like ours. there's a growing little chain of liquor bottles at the top of our cabinets like a trophy case. we have a Netflix subscription and have been watching season-after-season of SATC. i baked a cake in our new full kitchen with new appliances and marble counters. it's edible; i tried it!

school is back in full swing and all of my classes are depressing. my economics professor ends each class with a note about melting glaciers in 40 years. it makes me not want to have children and commit suicide before things get worse.

my man left for the Inauguration this morning. i'm proud of him and his school's orchestra: they get to play for the Chief Executive! here's a little note he left me this morning:

I am getting more excited about our trip the closer it gets. We got an unexpected check from the Alumni Association for our concert this morning. We will get to use the money for spending cash. I will now be able to afford to go to the official inaugural ball. We sounded great at rehearsal tonight. I am super excited. I may not have access to the internet while I'm up there. I will call you. I am looking forward to valentine's day. We will have to come up with a plan for something to do. I miss you and love you. I will call you when I get into the hotel tomorrow night. and I was joking about the cake. I'm proud of you. I'm sure it was amazing or at least edible.

aww, right?

and here's more positiveness when i really appreciate it these days:

• a clean apartment
• my new vibrator
• my man telling me that he feels like i'm the woman that he's supposed to be with!
• cheap, cute clothes to make me feel pretty
• my real hair which is way down my back now thanks to the weaving
• coffee that i made myself and the feeling of that five dollars still in my pockets
• Radiohead
• vintage hairdos that do not go out of style
• Hope. Change. Woman Love & Activism (yes, i'm a BIG one of those F-words!!!)

ciao!

resettling with a fever.

it's about time for another photo and i like this one alot!


i'm not dead: i've just been busy with moving into my new place off campus and restarting school. and i have a fever, so i feel like my head is in a hot fog. i'll be around to comment and to spray disinfectant until things settle down a bit more!

what my vagina has to do with Xmas.

i. hate. finals. week.

happy stuff please:

well, for those who have not seen the Twitter update, i now have the boy [and a parking ticket]. we said it on Facebook, so it's SO serious, ha. he's really old-school charming and blah blah blah. we're supposedly going camping for vacation among other things and he reassured me of my safety from bears, hobo homicidal maniacs, AND Godzilla. i'm not used to all of his appropriateness [i'm waiting to figure out what's wrong with him]. but apparently, not treating a lady like a lady is just not his style, and i honestly can't ask for anything more right now. i canNOT wait until he can bend me over the table to teach me how to play pool. seriously. i suck at pool and there's no other way to lean. well, lucky me!

i got the apartment off campus that i wanted. my only roommate is my best girlfriend [score! i wouldn't have any other way]. it's a big, luxury 2 bed and 2 bath with washing/drying units inside. so i finally have the new, big girl place that i've been wanting. now who's going to move all of me and T's furniture all the way there? i'm going to take pics of our moving day. is there a such thing as too much pink stuff and red velvet when it comes to decorating? and everyone is invited to the house warming celebration: bring wine because we can never have enough!

here is my Xmas list:

• Ville Valo on toast
• my boyfriend [woah it's been a while since i could type that] on toast
• more than 24 hours in my days so more things can get done
• some specific civil rights  and due social respect for women
• a filled prescription for my antidepressants and birth control, woo!
• the new Prince of Persia game for PS3 and Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe
• an OhMiBod musical vibrator sex toy; feel the music seriously!
• new mineral makeup and some thrift store clothes
• Denis Leary
• to be around my family and enjoy loving those crazy fuckers

a lot of my list is vagina-related this year. hmm..

crush.

people my age can't even make Charm fall out of a cereal box.

well except for this guy. i went to high school with him but i've never talked to him, even if he was friends with my ex and even graduated with him, i think. or maybe not.  so it's been four years since i might have seen his [beautiful] face. so, he asked me to meet him for breakfast two nights after his performance and wants some future dates. i think that sushi and hearing a band play is what he would like to do next.

so: we have a chemistry, he's a damned good kisser, and i like the way he bit the inside of my elbow. he has such a pretty, pink mouth! it's SO nice actually being able to have a big deal kind of a crush on someone, especially when i wasn't even searching to have one; it's proof that i've moved on physically and sentimentally. 

i am really glad that i decided to support live, local music that night! he's good on the strings and i'm pretty sure that he's good at other stuff too. men who can dance might be just as pleasant during other activities!

ahh, i haven't been on a big girl date [with a worthy guy] in a while. but, hell: it's better than never being on one. and i haven't felt kisses this good... EVER, it seems. it's so nice feeling like a lady and actually being courted! he calls me ma'am and told me that he thinks that i hung the moon in the sky.

-------------------------

*ugh! i really hate to wax exclusively on guys, but this is just one of those posts. forgive me. this man brought it out in me. oops. and i'm not expecting anything colossall from him. i'm just mostly glad of the progress that i've made! who woulda thunk?

i am an ex.

i was going to wait until before class tomorrow, but i'm kind of excited:

today 11/6 is my quit date :)

now you may not share my enthusiasm, but know that it is there and in immense amounts from my end! i'm armed with nicotine gum and a trust-worthy friend or two. i'm even doing the Nicotine Anonymous thing with a good bud as my loyal sponsor. i feel like Tommy Gavin from Rescue Me with his Irish alcoholism problem.. i'm so young!

i've got to keep my hands busy. i'm going to be biting my nails and sticking my fingers in my mouth all day. but, can i still be sexy without my cigs, though? heh. it's just been a regular part of my life for a while. ugh, this is going to be hard re-working my life around smoking, but the need to do so is there and isn't going anywhere. my doctor suggests that i quit eventually and i know that it's for the best if i do it soon. it's something that i've been getting closer and closer to doing recently. been seriously thinking about it for months.

so tell me congratulations and good luck and other lovely things. i'm so happy for me!

these are not my loves, not my God.

cherry here. and i'm just thinking right now. feel free to join me. won't you?

i have a slight caffeine buzz--which is always so good in the mornings--and i'm going to to try to take you to where i've just been, okay? would you like me to do that? do you mind the ride? i'll give you a present if you can make it with me. how does a picture of me naked sound?
-----

if i remember back long ago to my last visit to a church of any kind, a stark image at the forefront of my thoughts and the church itself would be the Cross. the Cross ornamenting the entrance, the threshold and the Cross scratching along the membranes of my head. okay. well, i will make the gross simplification and say that my life is the experiment of bringing that same Cross from the church and that Cross out of my mind into being an intimate part of my everyday experience. upon waking and rolling over in my bed, the Cross should be there in the sheets. with my breakfast cup of coffee over the dining table, the Cross should be before me doing those things with me. well.

sometimes, upon waking, i have spiders' webs in my head and little girl/big girl dreams are finishing their run from the night. when i am not having breakfast alone, the things that do surround me are very much removed from a spiritual realm. you don't have to be a Christian to see what i am seeing here, i promise. hell, i just barely am. can you understand what i am trying to show you here?

sometimes, i have strongholds in my life that shouldn't be there. this woman has had faith in false objects. she's even been loyal to the wrong thing entirely. these things need not be other gods; anything can have an immense amount of misplaced significance, if you allow it to. just ask me. i, who have deified a man or two and made them my saviors. i've been naive and assumed that good "friends" are immune to mistakes, hurting my feelings, or misleading me. i've been a heretic fool in my past with following an ill whim of my brain and indulged in way too many people and behaviors [self-mutilation!], which have always come around to bite me squarely in the ass.

did you catch that with me? even you of no religious persuasion can surely comprehend the futility in chasing after false and empty promises.

i was just on the phone having a lazy conversation with my mother and she just passively mentioned the elimination of such crap in our lives. she said that even if she was to leave me today and not be involved in my life anymore that she would still expect me to be standing. do you know why? i do. because all of my eggs aren't in one basket? not in any mundane basket, at least. but because i have a larger object of adoration and source of strength. my figurative Cross.

now, my mother isn't going anywhere, mind you. she was just illustrating a fact and i'm thankful for it. however i've had to learn it, i know that chasing phantoms is futile. it's fun for a while and it makes me smile, sure. but who's really in charge here? me! i am! and i don't have to go where you're going; i don't have to do what the world is doing. what makes me happy is independent of what makes the next person smile and i'll tell you: i don't care to try to make him or her understand it. how relieving, yes? i'll answer that for you--YES!

so, having said that, my friend, i'll keep doing what's best for me and what feels good. my life is going so well right now probably because i've been doing just that. i've made new and healthy friends, my grades are wonderful, my professors shake my hand, my family is succeeding in its own way, the folks who love me are immensely proud and encouraging. and now that i'm going along living my own beautiful life with a crown on my head, worthy company has been following.

once you do what it is that you need to be doing, inadequate and insecure people follow suit. they grow up, they move away because there's no area for them to cling to to and thwart. they get stuck in their own ruts and settle there with a warped sense of contentment because they would be even more hopeless anyplace else [i personally used to be like this; this is my exact past self in a nutshell]. the bad and senseless behaviors stop, priority emerges. things fix themselves. and with this new room , i've found myself in the presence of people and things who deserve to be in my presence and it's exciting. but, of course, i will keep my head on straight. i am not going to have the shit end of the stick the next time someone shows me who they really are. the joke's on them next time! i'll be busy being smarter.

i feel very purged and relieved. it's the feeling that comes along with discovering how Life can make sense and have meaning. i didn't have to force any position or situation onto myself. i didn't have to lie, cheat, or steal out of desperation for comfort. i didn't have to become someone i'm not or adopt harmful practices. things are happening the way that they need to because that's the way it's supposed to happen. i'm just so lucky that it's all favoring me these days.

AND NOW i want all of you lovelies to comment. what have been some of your false strongholds? how has your life been molded at the evasion of all of that yucky, ill stuff? are you presently in a position that you have forced on yourself out of desperation for security and meaning? do you feel like Life has put you where you need to be? how are you going to get there? what should be your loves? your God? your Cross?

when you've finished telling me all of that, you'll feel a little post-coital--like you need a cigarette, if you know what i mean! go ahead and try it. it feels amazing sorting things out.
-----
ciao. i appreciate all of the readers of my blog. every. last. one. even anonymous ones who don't comment sometimes. you are all very cool people! i wish that i could bake cookies for all of you without you getting food poisoning!

i ♥ autumn.

this is indeed again the hackneyed "i ♥ the fall" post that i drabble out every year. this one will be in which i fail at connecting all of my favorite things, which are all conveniently linked during this wonderful time of year. 

despite my being a damned Yankee, there is still some salvation in this time of year for me. the weather is finally dipping below 80 degrees; 78 does count, doesn't it? when there is a wind, it's lovely. i swear that October has the best wind.. the evenings are more beautiful. the moon is more round and mysterious than ever. makes you understand why it's likened to a woman--its article in other languages is feminine and i know why when i just look up. i can snuggle up in toe socks and watch all of my favorite Halloween movies for nights in a row. there is the sate fair back home, there's my birthday, and of course--there's my favorite night of the whole year!

i should really do the Anne Rice Vampire Lestat Fan Club Ball this year. i swear, for one of her biggest fans, i never used my proximity to NOLA to my advantage.  gosh, it would be nice to finally maybe meet her and have her sign one of the many, many books of hers that i've managed to collect in the last five or so years. i need to dust off my 18th century vampire costume and meet some of the other coolest people on the planet  for an evening of fangs and and photos. Anne Rice is good vampire literature. After Stoker comes Rice, but I'm going to get into Twilight soon, i promise. i hear that it's amazing.

as for the actual DAY [or night] that is most important this month, im getting a little anxious. i'm not at home to go all out with decor and i don't know the first thing to do with my apartment. i still don't have a costume!!! what about The Rocky Horror Picture Show? what am i wearing then? yeah, i'm still female under all of my androgen. okay, Harley Quinn for Halloween and Miranda for the RHPS? a Transylvanian, perhaps? oh, Rocky.. a bonfire this year? a house party?

yeah, i'm having a geek-out. deal with it. i have to watch Tim Burton's Nightmare at least once. i also wouldn't mind Beetlejuice, Batman, etc.  i have to support my favorite producer / director. you should come over! i have the most random, yet amazing string of movie nights, ever. and the weather is so perfect for having a boy to wrap his arms around you and buy you coffee!! [i just met a beautiful boy who lives across from me. he called me ma'am when he held the door open for me.. he's a southern gentleman and not a bigot, but i usually go for taller ones, though. ]

screw that! i can wrap my arms around myself and make my own coffee! it's got to be this October moon getting to me!

Lestat et Louis speak the truth!

i feel old and wear my trousers rolled.

[Photo Credit] me and my camera phone! that's a lotta beer bong. and gotta love the guy in the cape.

a buddy  of mine whom i haven't seen in months told me something today that made me sad, but i just responded to him with one of my bright smiles and graceful nods. it was fake, of course; thanks, cheerleading! i was sitting in the café with my Italian sandwich and Chuck Palahniuk book and he greeted me all warmly. we started talking about the past and i hinted at my upcoming birthday. so, the guy told me that i'm getting old.

duh, duh, dunnnn!...

yeah. thanks, buddy. i'm turning the big 2-0 soon and it's scary for me, alright? there are physical age and psychological age to contend with; they are two separate beasts. don't joke about either, or i'll stab you in the neck with this fork! i don't feel like growing up. i don't feel like an adult. i don't want to get old when i'm not ready to do so! i understand now when women stay "23" for five years at a time. hell, my grandmother has been "40" since i was born.

so in elucidation of the twenty-something adult life, i'm going to just wax on where my life is now that i'm soon to be saying adieu to my teenage days.

this "adult" loves being lazy when she can afford to. she still giggles when she can skip an unimportant class meeting and it feels like hooky in high school. she likes hanging out over her friends' apartment and playing video games until it gets dark. she likes hanging over their balcony when all 15 of them go outside with their cigarettes and trash talk political figures, school administration, and your mom. she looks forward to the weekends: dressing up in black dresses, having drinks , and listening to the cover band perform some David Bowie or Guns n Roses. she likes getting off of work from Hooters and blowing her tips on rounds of cranberry and vodka.

she can easily pull on a pair of slacks and a chemise for class discussions, meetings, and debates. she can pull her hair back and wear subdued makeup as she takes notes on Organic Chemistry. she concentrates like nobody's business when she draws a molecule and shows its hybridization at different carbon atoms, and as she sits in any one of her professor's offices and nods and promptly proposes to them plans for her thesis, etc. she can keep contact with the president of her future medical school and return his emails. she can speak French and plan her abroad trip to l'Auvergne maybe. she can keep herself busy in planning her career and getting her adult life off of the ground [because, baby it's happening quickly]. 

but sometimes she still likes watching IuYasha on the weekends with a box of pizza while listening to some old Blink 182. speaking of which!:

"That's about the time she broke up with me
No one should take themselves so seriously
With many years ahead to fall in line
Why would you wish that on me?
I never want to act my age
What's my age again?
What's my age again?

What's my age again?"--Blink 182 "What's My Age Again"

i love those guys! and they hit the nail right on the head! here's a tribute of sorts to me growing up and to whatever fabulous world awaits me now. i'm excited and scared, but i know that i can welcome the new life gracefully. even when i'm the cosmopolitan and gorgeous francophile Surgeon Burton [hee, hee--not my current last name if you know what i mean], there will ALWAYS be the time for some InuYasha, damnit!

holiday hurricane.

my geek flag has been flying high these days. i've whored out my bank account at the comic shop just like it's been wanting. bought The Killing Joke Deluxe Edition. it'll do for now until i can get my hands on an earlier printing from my birth year [!] . those things can get up to be hundreds of dollars, i think.



that's me holding and showing Joker some love, which im sure he just adores.



you know what they say about guys and big noses. Mistah J? i want.



oh, yeah. i've put some color in my head. after all of the hints towards finally changing it up a bit, i have a lighter thing going on. i perceive it as a kind of red blond color:

and as we all now, this past weekend was a special one because it was indeed a holiday weekend AND a hurricane weekend, also. i'm assuming N.O.'s hurricane evacuation routes lead drivers straight to my hometown because the city was filled with strangers. there were strange accents, faces, and weird buying behavior. i promise: folks were buying cases of water and toilet tissue AND cases of Coors Light. hmm. i have some photos snapped of the lunacy [fun] and i'll prolly post a pic or two later. i'm not polite and i don't blur faces or hide ugly candids. not that i purposefully try to go after things like that, though.