these are not my loves, not my God.

cherry here. and i'm just thinking right now. feel free to join me. won't you?

i have a slight caffeine buzz--which is always so good in the mornings--and i'm going to to try to take you to where i've just been, okay? would you like me to do that? do you mind the ride? i'll give you a present if you can make it with me. how does a picture of me naked sound?
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if i remember back long ago to my last visit to a church of any kind, a stark image at the forefront of my thoughts and the church itself would be the Cross. the Cross ornamenting the entrance, the threshold and the Cross scratching along the membranes of my head. okay. well, i will make the gross simplification and say that my life is the experiment of bringing that same Cross from the church and that Cross out of my mind into being an intimate part of my everyday experience. upon waking and rolling over in my bed, the Cross should be there in the sheets. with my breakfast cup of coffee over the dining table, the Cross should be before me doing those things with me. well.

sometimes, upon waking, i have spiders' webs in my head and little girl/big girl dreams are finishing their run from the night. when i am not having breakfast alone, the things that do surround me are very much removed from a spiritual realm. you don't have to be a Christian to see what i am seeing here, i promise. hell, i just barely am. can you understand what i am trying to show you here?

sometimes, i have strongholds in my life that shouldn't be there. this woman has had faith in false objects. she's even been loyal to the wrong thing entirely. these things need not be other gods; anything can have an immense amount of misplaced significance, if you allow it to. just ask me. i, who have deified a man or two and made them my saviors. i've been naive and assumed that good "friends" are immune to mistakes, hurting my feelings, or misleading me. i've been a heretic fool in my past with following an ill whim of my brain and indulged in way too many people and behaviors [self-mutilation!], which have always come around to bite me squarely in the ass.

did you catch that with me? even you of no religious persuasion can surely comprehend the futility in chasing after false and empty promises.

i was just on the phone having a lazy conversation with my mother and she just passively mentioned the elimination of such crap in our lives. she said that even if she was to leave me today and not be involved in my life anymore that she would still expect me to be standing. do you know why? i do. because all of my eggs aren't in one basket? not in any mundane basket, at least. but because i have a larger object of adoration and source of strength. my figurative Cross.

now, my mother isn't going anywhere, mind you. she was just illustrating a fact and i'm thankful for it. however i've had to learn it, i know that chasing phantoms is futile. it's fun for a while and it makes me smile, sure. but who's really in charge here? me! i am! and i don't have to go where you're going; i don't have to do what the world is doing. what makes me happy is independent of what makes the next person smile and i'll tell you: i don't care to try to make him or her understand it. how relieving, yes? i'll answer that for you--YES!

so, having said that, my friend, i'll keep doing what's best for me and what feels good. my life is going so well right now probably because i've been doing just that. i've made new and healthy friends, my grades are wonderful, my professors shake my hand, my family is succeeding in its own way, the folks who love me are immensely proud and encouraging. and now that i'm going along living my own beautiful life with a crown on my head, worthy company has been following.

once you do what it is that you need to be doing, inadequate and insecure people follow suit. they grow up, they move away because there's no area for them to cling to to and thwart. they get stuck in their own ruts and settle there with a warped sense of contentment because they would be even more hopeless anyplace else [i personally used to be like this; this is my exact past self in a nutshell]. the bad and senseless behaviors stop, priority emerges. things fix themselves. and with this new room , i've found myself in the presence of people and things who deserve to be in my presence and it's exciting. but, of course, i will keep my head on straight. i am not going to have the shit end of the stick the next time someone shows me who they really are. the joke's on them next time! i'll be busy being smarter.

i feel very purged and relieved. it's the feeling that comes along with discovering how Life can make sense and have meaning. i didn't have to force any position or situation onto myself. i didn't have to lie, cheat, or steal out of desperation for comfort. i didn't have to become someone i'm not or adopt harmful practices. things are happening the way that they need to because that's the way it's supposed to happen. i'm just so lucky that it's all favoring me these days.

AND NOW i want all of you lovelies to comment. what have been some of your false strongholds? how has your life been molded at the evasion of all of that yucky, ill stuff? are you presently in a position that you have forced on yourself out of desperation for security and meaning? do you feel like Life has put you where you need to be? how are you going to get there? what should be your loves? your God? your Cross?

when you've finished telling me all of that, you'll feel a little post-coital--like you need a cigarette, if you know what i mean! go ahead and try it. it feels amazing sorting things out.
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ciao. i appreciate all of the readers of my blog. every. last. one. even anonymous ones who don't comment sometimes. you are all very cool people! i wish that i could bake cookies for all of you without you getting food poisoning!