no baby so no fathers' day!!!

what?

yeah.

me and andy headed out to stare at a cup of my urine while we waited for the strip to turn pink. one line; not pregnant, right?


then where were my lady days for an additional week? i never thought that i would actually wish them upon myself. there was a lot of sitting on my ass and waiting and worrying and acquiring some Yaz.

what if i was pregnant? even if i doubted it with good reasoning severely.. am i ready to get fat, sacrifice my time and money or andy's time and money to raise some bad-ass little zebra-striped biracial baby?

well, i'm obviously not. and good thing, too. i have nothing to worry about! i have the Pill to take now. andy is gorgeous. my legs are all smooth. andy's parents are out of state for an entire week which gives me and him free reign over that big ole house... but i'm bleeding. i even blessed his thigh mid-nookie with the surprise of no babies. FAIL.

and i feel like shit. happy fathers' day to anyone! [not me and andy :)] ciao.

kill her, fuck him.

i'm going to kill Cortnee, my fake girlfriend. i don't even get to sleep with her and she gets to attempt to ruin my life: i exported to wordpress after all of her boasting, got overwhelmed and didn't like it, AND exported back to blogger at the cost of all of my formatting and comment authors... i'll kill that girl. the next day [yesterday], i solved the whole friends-only thing AND retrieved: all of my old posts [even ones from my old LJ], original formatting, and original comment authors with a lucky chance export. i love it!

so now i'm here at this lovely space with all of my entries and comments. all friends-only and protected.

good thing too, because i caved in my bet two nights ago! i screwed my boyfriend like i wanted to give myself back trauma. it was great. i'm so weak, but he ain't complaining. woke up the next morning and took some tylenol! and i feel bad for even entertaining this, but how does one evade that "sore feeling?" i'm not a virgin and i've had my fair share of sex partners [12 or so--and don't judge me you prude hookers!]. so then why do my girly parts ache after intercourse? i don't know. whoever says rude things about pale-skinned guys and their size is full of shit!

okay i'm done being inappropriate. for today. i'll ignore the wet dream i had about a woman two nights ago. i'm getting in the shower for a day with my boy and thinking about all of his sexy parts.

does anybody else have a tragic attraction to a part of the human anatomy? i'm not the only undersexed woman with an active mind. shoulders? v-muscle? hips? all of the above and then some?

ciao, mes cheres!

so tickled pink and just tickled!

• i'm getting all of the "inseparable" moments i want with my boyfriend. i go to most of his performances. his family adores me. i almost killed his sister and cousin on the way out to a blues club. the family babies all play with me and make me polish their toenails and read books to them [i should start charging]. 


• my parents are bitching me out like they used to do when i lived here. i managed to call my little brother an "asshole" at the top of my lungs  before breakfast today. my accent is back. i'm re-learning directions and learning new ones that i should have always had in the back of my head.


• there are little bad-ass kittens to raise. Sons of Anarchy returns soon. my period is over... i could explode with bliss.


• and me and Andy are on a bet / game in which we abstain from sex [and i'm talking any type of nookie] for an entire week. four more days to go. i feel like that Ramones song: "24 hours to go, I wanna be sedated..." the man was in such a foul mood yesterday... wonder why. haha!! i love it when he can barely keep his hands off of me hunts me down on the bed [or floor or car backseat or against the side of the house] out of unchecked lust. the longer our "fast" lasts, the more intense things will be when it's over. YES! i hope that i survive any encounter after these next four days. i'll check back in ;)
  

thanks!

i'm back and i DO feel so much better! thanks for all of the encouragement! i needed it badly and soon i'll get back to being so overly optimistic [is there a such thing?] that i'll have to encourage each of my readers everyday. how does that sound?

my break was fab. ate a helluva lot. i needed to desperately because all of my jeans are falling off of my booty. gotta ask Santa for some tush for Xmas. not even a dog wants just a bone!

stayed home an extra day. successfully lied to my parents about it, although they wouldn't have really cared. Andy's father saw us sneaking out of the house early this morning when he had no previous idea that i had even spent the night. oops. i'm positive that his parents are aware of the nature of our relationship, but who wants to acknowledge the evidences until a ring is involved? now Andy has to deal with the coming confrontation while i'm back in my apartment conditioning my hair! hee hee! poor Baby of mine! it's like high school again..

anyway, i'm crying at wedding photos and craving grilled chicken salad. i need to finish off my fuzzy head before a meeting tonight. i might be going Greek! how about that!

btw, isn't Tori Amos a goddess?

be brilliant and beautiful! ciao.

marital rape is legal

assuming the worst, that is. i almost threw up when i read this article from the Bust magazine website. apparently, a married woman can't refuse sex from her husband if this bill is passed. how disgusting. if that country doesn't want the world to think that it's full of monkeys, then a bad job is being done of it. i could spit in the supporters' eyes. don't fuck with me and women's rights.

on a lighter note:

TGIF!!! i need a break! i've been pissing blood thanks to a sanitation issue, but i'm better. i drove an hour away to be with my manfriend for the weekend while he was performing. credit card statements will go back to my house stating "EconoLodge." how classy. i literally walked up onto a celebrity downtown there: i noticed some old guys flirting with me, so i asked them for a light for my Andy's cigar since they were talking to me. turns out, one of them is C. L. Blast [and here]. he introduced himself and showed me a picture of himself with Isaac Hayes from way back when they used to perform together. then i asked him to sign my program. it was great. he had forgotten what year it was and it was so cute.

after we left the hotel together, one of Andy's teachers said to him "I know that you're gonna play good today!" the jazz performances were great. yes, Andy does it all. him and his university sounded divine and jazz isn't even my cup of tea.

i need another break soon. i miss singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" with Andy in the van. i miss kicking someone in my sleep. i don't miss nearly killing everyone on I-20 on my drive there and back for that weekend.

tried to pull the pregnancy joke on my mom for April 1st. she cursed me the fuck out and and told me to buy a test to make sure. then she said that she was coming after me with a clothes hanger. shit. she got the joke and started laughing and apologized for calling me a skank-ass whore. she was SO angry! it was funny how Andy went from being her "favorite son-in-law" to "that sorry motherfucker" in two seconds. Daddy laughed and said that he would choke the shit out of him until he turned purple--and marriage? no one is taking his daughter unless they're employed, have a house, two cars, and are damned near running for Congress first!

oh boy.


me and C.L. Blast and his signature both taken with my Pantech C150.

actual V-Day.

i don't even effing care if you care or not, but i had the best Valentine's Day--ever!

• i dressed up like a hot pink whore and put on a glam wig because my own hair was way too tangled
• i bought my family some nice expensive gifts. they all think that they stink now, though.
  
• i bought andy some nice Very Sexy for Him from Vicky's Secret; i hope he doesn't think that i think that he's smelly. that stuff just smells wonderful!
• andy took me to see Coraline instead of Friday the 13th after he read a silly comment i made on my blog. he's great.
  
• andy made me dinner at his parents' house: there were dim lights, candles, a rose, wine, and jazz music. he even wore a little apron. he was so tired when he was done that he didn't eat much. i did! that stuff was good! [my white boyfriend cooked his black girlfriend fried chicken, lulz. it was 1) a salad with raspberry vinaigrette, candied walnuts, and grapes, 2) asparagus, 3) reverse fried rice with lemon and nutmeg, 4) and Italian breaded chicken cutlets with lemon zest in olive oil, not peanut oil. it was all very lemony tasting and yummy.]
  
• we went to his place with dessert.
  
• he played me a song on his violin. it's called something like "Her Laugh," or "Giggle." he explained the different transitions in the music and how they mirrored my essence. lovely.
  
• he gave me a cute card, a tee shirt with our hometown university on it so i can feel close to home out here, and a sweet cap that folks here have never seen before.
• the dessert happened to be a tin of homemade chocolate-covered strawberries. they were delicious! some of the chocolate froze to the paper, so he scraped it off and we fed it to each other with a spoon. this was fun.
  
• ...
  

okay, on other notes, i have weird visitors to my blog whom i probably know. someone from back home has been visiting from a casualty insurance company. someone else has been using Google Chrome to visit and my family is addicted to Firefox. also, someone has Vista, but all the folks from back home who read me that i know have XP or some other OS. i even have a few proxy visits. swweeet!.. i suppose i could just zoom in to the street addresses using my tracking server. maybe later. the Internet is great.

my exam is over. i killed it with an A i'm assuming. i have more next week :( my apartment is infested with ants now and the maintenance man had to move around all of the wine bottles to spray properly! bleh.

ciao! i feel sick from The Pill and tired from studying. nap time!

do you jizz?

i'm just crazy about my lady regions. never mind that i should be studying instead of baking a cake and thinking about self-love. you should be in love with your plumbing, too. boys get to name their parts and touch them everyday when they go pee. a lot of women don't even know what everything is called down there. a shame!

The-Clitoris.com is such a great place. i just adore reading the extremely informative articles about things such as outercourse, arousal and orgasm, and sexual desire. i sent my boyfriend the one on cunnilingus and he was slightly offended, but i hope he highlighted and took notes. even if you don't have a guy or a girl to do such great things for you, go read the [lovely] articles on masturbation, body image, sexual fantasy, etc. it's all about the promotion of female pleasure and health. parfait!

then go buy some shmexy skank-whore panties. these are mine that i blew a whole $3 on today:

just wear them for the hell of it, just to know that you've got red lace running up the crack of your ass and that it looks damned hot on you. then hop in your bed with your vibrator, or just your right hand and some good music. don't stop until you've cum at least three times.

1) "I Touch Myself" by The Divinyls
2) "Shake It" by Metro Station
3) "Rid of Me" by P. J. Harvey
4) "Criminal" by Fiona Apple
5) "Turning Japanese" by The Vapors

or if you have a partner [still don't stop until you have cum at least three times]:
1) Anything that comes of of Marvin Gaye's mouth
2) "Oochie Wally" by Nas
3) "Blindfold Me" by Kelis
4) "Pony" by Ginuwine
5) the sound of that lucky person's heavy breathing

there is just so much sexiness wafting around right now. so much, that i feel overwhelmed. yes, it's possible. did you know that Michel Germain created Sexual pour Homme, a cologne with pheromones and aphrodisiacs in it to enhance the male sexuality? can you imagine what that will do to you? have you drooling and dropping your pants in front of anybody wearing it, that's what. also, CAT position during nookie will get you off in two minutes. andy better revise his plans to play Monopoly! order some condoms personalized with a picture of your favorite character from a movie. have fun with your sexuality and your body, especially the lady regions. the clitoris has way many more nerve endings than the entire penis does. female power!

i'm done. i've got to get to downloading some appropriate music and making preparations to look hotter than solar lava.

be the change, now change your sheets!

how exciting was yesterday?! even if we all can't agree on politics [which i love], you have to agree that the President's speech just gave you little butterflies of [i can't find a better word] Hope all in your belly, if you cared to listen to it. it was relieving and gave me good feelings all day. not to mention, i imagined how hungover my boyfriend was in D.C. that day, which made me laugh. what did yesterday do to you? i've already read some posts, but surely there's more. did you cry? did you care? did you drink too much and walk around in D.C. hungover before your performance like someone's man?

i have a cold. don't ask me how i went from recovering from my fever to catching a cold. my roomie just had a fever, so now i'm dousing the apartment in Lysol. i fell asleep one night with my vibrator running and woke up--and it still was on! i could have burned my clitoris off! what would my doctor have said?

and this is funny. absolutely funny:
---------------------
Heavily Tripping

Andy tripped along rapturously. He was on his way to meet his lover, Cherry, for Valentine's Day. He smiled to see a clown hopping along, carrying a box of wine in its mouth.

Andy was almost by the balls when he came across a horny cake, lying alone on a soap-scented plate. "That must be a treat from my peppery bear," he said to himself, and tripped over to it. The cake looked chunky, so he ate it.

It gave him the most with abandon tingling sensation in his ass. "How unusual!" he said and continued tripping to see Cherry.
When Cherry came out to meet him, she took one look and fell over.
"What is it?" Andy cried covertly.
"Your collar bone! And your inside of the elbow!" Cherry said. "They're intense! Can't you feel it?"
Andy felt his collar bone and his inside of the elbow. They were indeed quite intense. "Oh, no!" Andy said. "I'm a woman!" He, or rather, she started to cry. "It must have been that horny cake you left for me. Did you know what it would do?"
"I didn't leave you any cake," Cherry said. "I got you a coffee mug. It must have been that vagina-oriented man who lives nearby. He acts a little morbidly, ever since he pat a hair pin."
"But how can you ever love me, now that I'm a woman?" Andy sobbed.
"Well, I never knew how to tell you this," Cherry said speedily, "but I actually prefer women. And I think your collar bone is really luminous like that."
"Really?" Andy dried her tears. Andy kissed Cherry and it was an entirely green sensation, like rats in a cornfield.

They spent the night having entirely green sex, until the cake wore off suddenly.
Everything was rather awkward after that.
---------------------
and before you ask: NO, i'm not any crazier than usual. i went here to create this drabble! it's fun!

and pictures! The Slut Hut! or my apartment. still decorating and organizing.

i'm better and back, bitches!

my fever burning behind the eyes is gone. it was replaced by a cold last night. but i took what i'm almost certain was a sinus pill, and i'm A-OK today. i'm loving my new place. i feel all snooty and grown-up. it's a gated apartment complex and i have a fancy parking decal and a mailbox! i've got an address! part of the city now, and not just the school! me and T [my only roomie and also my besite which is very convenient] have decorated really cutely and trashed the place each weekend for "hanging out" with our friends who don't have a place suitable for entertaining like ours. there's a growing little chain of liquor bottles at the top of our cabinets like a trophy case. we have a Netflix subscription and have been watching season-after-season of SATC. i baked a cake in our new full kitchen with new appliances and marble counters. it's edible; i tried it!

school is back in full swing and all of my classes are depressing. my economics professor ends each class with a note about melting glaciers in 40 years. it makes me not want to have children and commit suicide before things get worse.

my man left for the Inauguration this morning. i'm proud of him and his school's orchestra: they get to play for the Chief Executive! here's a little note he left me this morning:

I am getting more excited about our trip the closer it gets. We got an unexpected check from the Alumni Association for our concert this morning. We will get to use the money for spending cash. I will now be able to afford to go to the official inaugural ball. We sounded great at rehearsal tonight. I am super excited. I may not have access to the internet while I'm up there. I will call you. I am looking forward to valentine's day. We will have to come up with a plan for something to do. I miss you and love you. I will call you when I get into the hotel tomorrow night. and I was joking about the cake. I'm proud of you. I'm sure it was amazing or at least edible.

aww, right?

and here's more positiveness when i really appreciate it these days:

• a clean apartment
• my new vibrator
• my man telling me that he feels like i'm the woman that he's supposed to be with!
• cheap, cute clothes to make me feel pretty
• my real hair which is way down my back now thanks to the weaving
• coffee that i made myself and the feeling of that five dollars still in my pockets
• Radiohead
• vintage hairdos that do not go out of style
• Hope. Change. Woman Love & Activism (yes, i'm a BIG one of those F-words!!!)

ciao!

2008 review via a silly survey

this little survey is all over the blogging world. use it to review your year!
------------------------------------------------------------
1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
get parking tickets :(

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
of course i didn't. i can't even remember them. mine for next year make more sense, such as to stay smoke-free and such.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
my best friend's sister!!! an October baby.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
my high school aged cousin did. on my birthday. yep.

5. What countries did you visit?
none yet! although parts of my hometown are starting to look a little foreign.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
peace of mind! and a wonderful, pretty man to look at and touch inappropriately. oh, wait..

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
my birthday because of a very, unfortunate and heartbreaking event.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
being completely independent of my folks!

9. What was your biggest failure?
i honestly can't consider ANYTHING a failure. how sweet is that?

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
i just recently had a terrible cold. my back hurts really, REALLY bad now, but i know exactly why ;)

11. What was the best thing you bought?
my apartment, duh.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
some Southern republicans. honestly. just yes. [/sarcasm]

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
aww, but i was already a bitch in question 12!

14. Where did most of your money go?
pitas with feta and hot sauce, index cards. that's it.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
some big nosed loser :)

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
anything Timbaland for a silly reason, but that entire album is burned into my brain now!

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder?
a helluva lot happier.

ii. thinner or fatter?
thinner, if it's even possible!!!

iii. richer or poorer?
poorer. this is a recession folks, and the tuition spike has been no joke. not to mention my eating habits.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
going out. not necessarily partying, but just experiencing life outside of the chemistry building.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
watching virals on Youtube. maybe.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
watching the kiddies go insane. taking photos. drinking. letting the "holiday spirit" take over me and my boyfriend in the dark!

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
yes, ma'am.

23. How many one-night stands?
eh, i haven't been the biggest fan of one-night-standing guys these days. i won't answer this question.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
SATC. hands down.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
nope. not at all. in fact, i most definitely "hate" less people.

26. What was the best book you read this year?
i haven't had much time to read for pleasure, but Blood and Gold by Anne Rice is pretty sweet.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
HIM perhaps. or Bon Jovi.

28. What did you want and get?
pink stuff!!! how can you go wrongly?!

29. What did you want and not get?
rich.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
The Dark Knight is a good answer, isn't it? why so serious?

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i was 20. i went home and played with my little cousin who was turning 7 on the same day. i heard about my other cousin dying. i lost my mind and i drank a helluva lot at the state fair.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
an OhMiBod musically operated vibe.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
thrifty and chic. basic and sexy like french women!

34. What kept you sane?
i did, bitches!!! by reading, pilates class, and masturbation.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
seriously?

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Prop 8.

37. Who did you miss?
only people who deserve to be missed, and there aren't a lot of folks in my inner circle these days. it's great, though. i'm turning into a snooty bitch who doesn't like my time wasted by Jokes.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
this big, beautiful, tall, blonde man with pretty blue eyes and amazing kisses. him.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
it goes on.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way!"--Frank Sinatra in "My Way"

nursery pr0n!

haven't blogged in a while for reasons that should either fill you with envy or send you straight to Hell! just kidding about the Hell part.. maybe. i did have sex in a nursery about three times in one night, but this is scandalous and tacky at the most--not unforgivable. i'm really, really hoping that this is the case, that is.

'tis Xmas Eve which means increasingly less for me now that i'm getting older; i'm enjoying watching the kiddies have as much fun as i used to. all i want these days is some wine and the vague light that is my near future: having house parties at me and my bestie's apartment and more sex in less guilt-inducing places.

my uncle saw my ex boyfriend out someplace with some "ugly, skinny little girl" which was a random funny note of my night. everybody laughed at his story and then he threatened my current boyfriend with his rifles and his spades-playing skills. this means that he likes him. that's how we do it.

i could go on about how great it feels to have someone in my life who sees in me what i see in myself, but i'll spare everyone. i WILL say, however, that he changed my car tire out in the freezing cold when i had a flat. this is exactly what a real man is supposed to do, and i'm still trying to get used to it. everyone is pleased.
------------------
now:

• i've been Tagged, but i've lost the post of the person who tagged me!!! i apologize. it's a lot of fun when people can remember these things, though. it's a great way to get exposure and link exchanges. sorry i suck so bad! remind me, whoever took the time to tag me, and i will refuse to forget for next time! so, so sorry... my mind has been all over the place.

• and while i'm remembering things, i'm doing my friend Bruce a favor! he is greatness incarnate as a DJ and here is a link to some of that greatness. it's good stuff. has to be. now you have something to at least fill in some of your bored, idle time. you're welcome.
  

Happy Holidays again! did you see my cutie .gif [or maybe it's a .png] of Jack Skellngton in a Sandy Claws outfit a couple of posts back?! i'm broke and this is all i can afford to give anyone this year!

ciao.

what my vagina has to do with Xmas.

i. hate. finals. week.

happy stuff please:

well, for those who have not seen the Twitter update, i now have the boy [and a parking ticket]. we said it on Facebook, so it's SO serious, ha. he's really old-school charming and blah blah blah. we're supposedly going camping for vacation among other things and he reassured me of my safety from bears, hobo homicidal maniacs, AND Godzilla. i'm not used to all of his appropriateness [i'm waiting to figure out what's wrong with him]. but apparently, not treating a lady like a lady is just not his style, and i honestly can't ask for anything more right now. i canNOT wait until he can bend me over the table to teach me how to play pool. seriously. i suck at pool and there's no other way to lean. well, lucky me!

i got the apartment off campus that i wanted. my only roommate is my best girlfriend [score! i wouldn't have any other way]. it's a big, luxury 2 bed and 2 bath with washing/drying units inside. so i finally have the new, big girl place that i've been wanting. now who's going to move all of me and T's furniture all the way there? i'm going to take pics of our moving day. is there a such thing as too much pink stuff and red velvet when it comes to decorating? and everyone is invited to the house warming celebration: bring wine because we can never have enough!

here is my Xmas list:

• Ville Valo on toast
• my boyfriend [woah it's been a while since i could type that] on toast
• more than 24 hours in my days so more things can get done
• some specific civil rights  and due social respect for women
• a filled prescription for my antidepressants and birth control, woo!
• the new Prince of Persia game for PS3 and Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe
• an OhMiBod musical vibrator sex toy; feel the music seriously!
• new mineral makeup and some thrift store clothes
• Denis Leary
• to be around my family and enjoy loving those crazy fuckers

a lot of my list is vagina-related this year. hmm..

crush.

people my age can't even make Charm fall out of a cereal box.

well except for this guy. i went to high school with him but i've never talked to him, even if he was friends with my ex and even graduated with him, i think. or maybe not.  so it's been four years since i might have seen his [beautiful] face. so, he asked me to meet him for breakfast two nights after his performance and wants some future dates. i think that sushi and hearing a band play is what he would like to do next.

so: we have a chemistry, he's a damned good kisser, and i like the way he bit the inside of my elbow. he has such a pretty, pink mouth! it's SO nice actually being able to have a big deal kind of a crush on someone, especially when i wasn't even searching to have one; it's proof that i've moved on physically and sentimentally. 

i am really glad that i decided to support live, local music that night! he's good on the strings and i'm pretty sure that he's good at other stuff too. men who can dance might be just as pleasant during other activities!

ahh, i haven't been on a big girl date [with a worthy guy] in a while. but, hell: it's better than never being on one. and i haven't felt kisses this good... EVER, it seems. it's so nice feeling like a lady and actually being courted! he calls me ma'am and told me that he thinks that i hung the moon in the sky.

-------------------------

*ugh! i really hate to wax exclusively on guys, but this is just one of those posts. forgive me. this man brought it out in me. oops. and i'm not expecting anything colossall from him. i'm just mostly glad of the progress that i've made! who woulda thunk?

sexual assault or a really good show?

i've danced to every classic song in my mp3 player thanks to some awesome bands. but then again, i was very nearly sexually assaulted thanks to one of those bands.. such a friendly cover band! eh, i liked it. probably should have shaved a little more though. guys don't like to imagine that real women have body hair anywhere. they're funny like that. sorry to break their illusions by being a mammal who really doesn't like ingrown hairs.. oh well. going home with a 45 year old man probably wouldn't be in my best interest, anyway.

T. moved back in this weekend and i heard some very naughty things going on in my shower for a way long time. not really excited to go in there with my depilatory, if you can imagine why.

[met a pretty boy with gray eyes in a suit. liked my shoes, asked me to dance, and kissed me on the cheek. didn't try anything lewd at all and said that he wouldn' mind dancing with me anytime. he even apologized for some of the Greek system's fuckery down south.. eee!]

i really don't like spending my time thinking about men! but i'll make all of this quick because i just HAVE to get it out:

Marine!Ex got a drunk txt from me of an explicit nature and he responded along the same lines. niiicee. my old teacher that i "mistaked" with very creepily has been trying too hard to get me back. i think that it's funny how someone who gave me homework can't stop trying to drag me to dinner while i regularly blow him off. 

whew, that's over! or i hope so! i feel the Carrie of my group of friends. i've got my cigarettes, my computer, empty wine glasses, and way too many guys during the in-between times. but it's fabulous--mostly. 

agh! job.. HOMEWORK! i need to get to the chemistry building!!!

My boobs promoting one of the bands on one late night!

girlflirt.

despite what my face allows me to get away with, i'm embarrassed to say that i suck at flirting. my mother is always pushing me to wink at the older guys [do something, darling! look at him, at least stop looking in your book..] and my grandmother also reminds me that i never know when i could meet my husband and that i should always smile and stop scowling at every evidence of fuckery that i witness, because it isn't going anywhere.

well this has absolutely nothing to do with any of that.

there is this absolutely GORGEOUS woman in my facebook network. i'm talking smoking. and i had the guts to message her one day to tell her that i thought so. this is what it got me:

woah! and she is supposedly "straight." this happens to me more often than is conventionally casual being how i am easily perceived as an established heterosexual lady, what with the being engaged to a man? once and everything. so i wonder about myself. i like to imagine that i have an attractive androgynous wile that draws the eyes of both men and women. guys look at my face, my legs when i expose them and like it. girls look at my striking and wise eyes when i look at them without inhibitions, my strong walk, my independence, the flair i use when simply opening a door for myself and get both embarrassed and flustered when i acknowledge and smile at their staring and even wink at them.

haha. i'm a monster. it's so delicious to flirt with a pretty woman! why can't more guys do it the correct way and stop pissing me off?

waggle your eyebrows at me after i look at you and look away. don't stare at me when my back is purposefully turned to you and will me with your mind to turn around and face you via telekinesis. don't honk your horn at me unless you're in a well-kept antique car and wearing a top hat with a cigar hanging out of your mouth. don't yell at me "Hey, girl.." don't start "whispering" about me to your boyfriends to travel with. don't don't don't. blow out your cigar smoke in my direction, smile. wink at me and don't expect me to do anything back. have a commanding presence and something to talk about other than your money and gaudy accessories. wear suits, not baggy denim shit. Oversized tees paying homage to legends are OK. hip, urban jargon sucks. call me "Miss" and "Lady."

nonsequitur? dreams.

before having a string of about three very weird wet dreams starring a past female teacher of mine and myself incarnate as an old Frenchman, i had the sweetest, simplest dream that still needs a little analysis.

i dreamed that i was standing in the rain but strangely not getting drenched with some tall man in coattails [my boyfriend/Daddy] and i had my arm very possessively wrapped around his waist because i'm short and this is where les bras comfortably rested, you see.

well, anyway. this blond man who looked exactly like Heath Ledger in a cross between his roles in 10 Things and A Knight's Tale didn't run away from me. he didn't stiffen or resist. he completely melted into his obviously well-established role to his adoring midget woman. and then comes the clincher: he wrapped one arm around my shoulder and bent down low to give me a very purposeful and not too mushy kiss--on the forehead.

swoon!

but after that, i remember vividly consecutive scenes of me being in this man's presence again and still having the same feelings for him. i remember being near him, but not being with him to the point of my dream running like a big chase around several places. there was my elementary school in a downpour, there was my apartment, there was this park/field type place, there was an English class lecture where he sat across the room with some other people... weird. but in my mind, he was still my boyfriend. i still felt very possessive and i was even scheming up a way to get him alone and to myself [in my bed] soon. i guess i figured that he wouldn't pass up that offer and that i would get the closeness and affection from him that i really wanted. hmm.

whatthecrap? now i'm just remembering that i went to sleep really early and i was really tired. i was on some mood modifying meds and i was up reading JokerxHarley fanfiction. so, i figure that this all pretty much equals an equation for disaster, or at least nonsequitur? dreams.

i'm a fangirl.

but i'm a dedicated one that has had the same sick adoration for the same monsters for over a decade. and now with this new form of my gangster bank robber Clown Prince of Crime, the sickness is rekindled and i can squee at the movie theatre and frown at the thirteen-year-old girl next to me who has never owned a Batman comic in her life, who has never faithfully watched any of his animated series, who has never wet dreamed about Joker cutting her with a knife until Heath Ledger [wonderfully] put the image into her pubescent mind.

i'm gonna buy this movie bootlegged [i've seen it twice, so i've spent my share of cash] and i'm going to do a late, but great review. and then, i'll post some links for my JokerXHarley Quinn fascination and thier Mad Love. be looking out for it and get into the mood for some obsessive appreciation for the personality disorders, domestic violence, and even more of the twisted just as soon as i get the jizz out of my panties and sheets long enough to have time to type.

i haven't fucked anyone in FOREVER! and watching SATC episodes doesn't make me feel better about. fuck the relationship that i had, i just miss parts of the guy. he couldn't do anything else good for me. last night as seriously the fourth wet dream in a month that i have had. i'm sick of cumming all into the sheets and waking up sticky and alone. maybe the feeling will ebb with my ever-increasing stability while being single.

i fucking hate egocentricism.

i was in Fondren today at the coffee house and everything looked sickeningly uniform for such a funky part of town. everyone had the same bumper stickers. every girl had the same haircut and dress. every guy had the same box of cigarettes and ordered the same flavor if iced tea. i was there looking to the left at the skate shop where this celebrity fella used to worked and still hangs out at hoping that he'd pop out from behind the bushes. the same guy who treated me like a groupie because i basically gave him the go-ahead. the guy with the [ugly] girlfriend. makes me sick to my stomach after he did what it is that he did to me. looked to the right and was expecting my ex to show up like he said that he would just to shoot the breeze with a familiar person. none of the cars passing down the street were his. i puffed at my cigarettes and felt more lonely than i had in a long time.

in more details, the celebrity guy that i was almost certain was gonna come to his senses and sense my girlfriend potential and make it official for me txted--for a booty call. exciting? yeah. i even drove to his house and he doesn't care about how my photo shoot went. even larry asked me how it went and how much i was paid. the celebrity guy just asked me what i was doing later with every intent on cheating on his girlfriend with me--AGAIN. i said something that was no way involved with him, the movie theatre. not some dumb hotel party tonight and he asked me to get back at him later. i said "Maybe" with a smile, but i still said maybe with all the intentions of "No." hope he got it. i won't be taking any more of his games, won't be going over his fabulous space for anime and nookie after midnight. it's just so funny how we were potentially REALLY good mates, beautiful i'd even venture to say. and now i have to deal with what he did to me for the rest of my life and wonder if i'll ever find some beautiful guy that doesn't leave me wanting for anything.

kind of a depressing topic when alone at the coffee house with nothing but a raspberry tea and Marlboro Lights for company.

me and him.

this makes me REALLY sad/angry. was originally not gonna publish and just leave it as a draft, but here you go. maybe i'll post more on what happened afterwards when i have the strength to.

------------------------------------------------------------

[21:19] CelebrityCrush: no

[21:22] Ch3rri Pi: ?

[21:22] Ch3rri Pi: no yourself.

[21:22] CelebrityCrush: no

[21:22] CelebrityCrush: i wont leave u alone

[21:22] Ch3rri Pi: haha

[21:23] Ch3rri Pi: good for me then

[21:23] Ch3rri Pi: dont know if thats a good or bad thing

[21:23] Ch3rri Pi: prolly both.

[21:23] CelebrityCrush: lol

[21:26] Ch3rri Pi: gonna try real hard to have a wet dream starring someone else.

[21:26] CelebrityCrush: um

[21:26] CelebrityCrush: ok

[21:26] Ch3rri Pi: like an asian girl

[21:26] CelebrityCrush: cool

[21:26] Ch3rri Pi: or my professor

[21:26] CelebrityCrush: gross

[21:26] Ch3rri Pi: thats the way it should be

[21:27] Ch3rri Pi: :)

[21:28] Ch3rri Pi: how often do you masturbate?

[21:30] Ch3rri Pi: just askin. the crotches of my panties have holes in them.

[21:30] CelebrityCrush: wow are u not getting layed enough?

[21:31] Ch3rri Pi: i dont know.

[21:31] Ch3rri Pi: i thought i was.

[21:31] Ch3rri Pi: its prolly just because im ovulating.

[21:31] Ch3rri Pi: it's like the female blue-balls for a week.

[21:31] CelebrityCrush: wow

[21:33] Ch3rri Pi: yep

[21:34] CelebrityCrush: well alright then

[21:34] CelebrityCrush: no spainish fly for u

[21:34] CelebrityCrush: ever

[21:35] Ch3rri Pi: lol

[21:35] Ch3rri Pi: just not this week

[21:35] CelebrityCrush: no not never

[21:35] Ch3rri Pi: well darn.

[21:38] Ch3rri Pi: well maybe its cuz ive only been fucking white guys lately

[21:39] CelebrityCrush: sounds like a personal problem

[21:39] Ch3rri Pi: yeah; tell me about it.

[21:39] Ch3rri Pi: oh well.

[21:44] Ch3rri Pi: i'd rather be dancing?

[21:44] Ch3rri Pi: no.

[21:44] Ch3rri Pi: i'd rather be swinging from the end of your dick.

[21:44] Ch3rri Pi: lol!

[21:44] CelebrityCrush: lol

[21:45] CelebrityCrush: no you dont

[21:45] Ch3rri Pi: i really do

[21:45] Ch3rri Pi: not yours--more like my boy toy's maybe

[21:46] Ch3rri Pi: but he's white and things just aren't the same if you don't know.

[21:46] CelebrityCrush: well call your boy toy and get that out your system

[21:46] Ch3rri Pi: haha. he's just got online too.

[21:47] Ch3rri Pi: prolly will. or else i'll explode.

[21:47] CelebrityCrush: and this is where i exit

[21:47] CelebrityCrush: stage left

[21:47] CelebrityCrush: peace

[21:47] Ch3rri Pi: au revoir

[21:57] Ch3rri Pi: sorry for being too weird and flirty kinda.

[21:58] CelebrityCrush: no prob

[21:58] CelebrityCrush: weirdo

[21:58] Ch3rri Pi: lol

[21:58] Ch3rri Pi: ohmygosh

[21:58] Ch3rri Pi: asshole

[22:04] CelebrityCrush: whoever u have plans with better fuck the shit outta u

[22:05] Ch3rri Pi: you mean me fuck the shit outta them.

[22:06] CelebrityCrush: no

[22:06] CelebrityCrush: i meant what i said

[22:07] Ch3rri Pi: i fuck, i don't get fucked.

[22:07] Ch3rri Pi: i make meals outta my men.

[22:08] Ch3rri Pi: lick em up and slurp em down again

[22:08] CelebrityCrush: i doubt that

[22:08] Ch3rri Pi: you really shouldn't

[22:09] Ch3rri Pi: intrigued?

[22:09] Ch3rri Pi: i heard skaters like head

[22:09] Ch3rri Pi: i know i do

[22:09] Ch3rri Pi: LOVE it

[22:09] CelebrityCrush: i am intrigued

[22:10] Ch3rri Pi: right

[22:10] CelebrityCrush: but

[22:10] CelebrityCrush: u cannot out fuck me

[22:11] Ch3rri Pi: why not?

[22:11] Ch3rri Pi: because i dont have a dick?

[22:11] Ch3rri Pi: if i had a dick, i'd be a BEAST in bed

[22:11] CelebrityCrush: no i just dont think could keep up with me

[22:12] Ch3rri Pi: i dunno. i usually cum first and then pass out/leave [22:12] Ch3rri Pi: so maybe not

[22:13] CelebrityCrush: awwww

[22:13] Ch3rri Pi: yeah

[22:16] CelebrityCrush: oh well if you need me ill be over here

[22:16] CelebrityCrush: masterbating

[22:16] Ch3rri Pi: what?

[22:16] CelebrityCrush: lol

[22:16] Ch3rri Pi: so tiring for the hands

[22:16] CelebrityCrush: i know

[22:16] CelebrityCrush: its your fault

[22:17] Ch3rri Pi: yeah, i know

[22:17] Ch3rri Pi: haha

[22:18] CelebrityCrush: so not funny

[22:18] CelebrityCrush: im honestly been thinking about fucking u all day

[22:19] Ch3rri Pi: woah!

[22:19] Ch3rri Pi: :D

[22:19] Ch3rri Pi: now its your turn

[22:20] Ch3rri Pi: not fun

[22:20] Ch3rri Pi: i had that last night

[22:20] Ch3rri Pi: and jizzed up the sheets

[22:20] CelebrityCrush: yea u told me

[22:20] CelebrityCrush: wow

[22:21] CelebrityCrush: my dick is so hard right now it hurts

[22:21] Ch3rri Pi: haha.

[22:22] Ch3rri Pi: thats what i like to hear usually

[22:23] CelebrityCrush: whatever if u was here i would make that wet dream cum true

[22:24] Ch3rri Pi: clever

[22:24] Ch3rri Pi: i bet. and as horny as i am i'd let you.

[22:25] Ch3rri Pi: we should prolly stop though

[22:25] CelebrityCrush: yea

[22:26] Ch3rri Pi: not fun

[22:27] CelebrityCrush: ok so agreed we will never ever speak of this again

[22:27] Ch3rri Pi: well thats no fun at all!

[22:28] Ch3rri Pi: but prolly no good can come from it

[22:28] Ch3rri Pi: and your girlfriend is prolly great :(

[22:28] Ch3rri Pi: and will step on me

[22:28] Ch3rri Pi: and current boy toy will prolly shoot you

[22:28] Ch3rri Pi: so i guess?

[22:30] CelebrityCrush: yea

[22:30] CelebrityCrush: i dont want to get shot

[22:30] Ch3rri Pi: i shoulda been single a lot sooner..

[22:30] Ch3rri Pi: and i dont wanna get stepped on

[22:31] CelebrityCrush: yea u should've

[22:34] Ch3rri Pi: ugh! fuck you!

[22:34] Ch3rri Pi: g'bye.