i love my mi-maw, seriously.

she's pushing sixty years old with the most gorgeous face to grace a senior citizen this side of the MS River. i guess i could say that she's cute, with her petite figure and small waist [imagine me with boobs]. glamorous in an old-fashioned way like marilyn monroe. well, she made me genuinely smile today.her boyfriend, who is fighting in iraq, has given her his two Visa cards and three signed checks that she can fill out to be any amount she needs. he doesn't want her to want anything and constantly asks her if he can do anything else for her. i don't think that he can; if it wasn't for him and his $3,000 that she has spent so far, she wouldn't have any utilities in her house or any car. and check this: he's only twenty-four. quite literally, he is, her boyfriend.

i saw a picture of him in uniform and he's adorable. i'd date him :) he's in the desert holding a huge gun that can fire forty rounds; he named it ira after my grandmother. it's really sweet because he calls the weapon his "baby" and says that the gun is all that he has to protect him... "ira [to my grandmother, you are my protector." so sweet, i could vomit. according to him, the only thing he wants from my grandmother is to be there when he gets back home in september because she is the type of woman that a man can spend his whole life with. and he tries to do just that when he is here by taking her to the casino every weekend and buying her lunch everyday. i can only smile when i think of my superstar grandmother [which is why i call her Grammy] out on the town with that cute boy.

there's much more to this love story, but i only like to gush about my own.

moral: it can happen. just because me and antonio are separated right now, doesn't mean that there isn't any love.

thank you, Jesus!

not preggy. not, not, not. this past month of worrying myself sick was for nothing! so relieved; relieved beyond words. i feel like little men with machetes are in my uterus, but i couldn't be happier. absolutely have to take some form of birth control now. pill, patch, or shot... i don't care. how about all three? i'll chemically neuter myself from ever having kids. i can adopt some little Cambodian child and give it a mohawk...

.

wooooo! i need the pill, patch, shot, or WHATEVER. i've never been so happy to bleed.

dream.

i think i'll try my hand at cheering myself up. this is hilarious.

well, the Smiths have moved to this gorgeous new house. it's large and old, which means that i love it. strangely, i don't feel comfortable in my own bedroom. i lie still for hours in my bed trying to sleep and get comfy. one night, i was having an especially hard time at this, but sometime that early morning, i slept and had the most weird dream, ever.

i dreamt that i was with a doctor and he told me that scientists had discovered a "new" type of depression and that i had it. [poor me. one type is bad enough--and i should know!] and get this. he also said that Jesus showed signs of this depression early in his life and that Christ and I were the only two known people with this depression.

the next visions i had were of faces. they were Christ's face. but instead of seeing the depicted faces that i had often seen in paintings, the faces were warped into showing extreme sadness and pain. i was seeing a depressed Jesus and he was looking right at me!

i was so disturbed and frightened that i woke and got out of bed before my eyes were even open.

NOT perky.

some cheerleader i am right now. how perfectly perky and preppy i feel.

antonio is leaving for georgia for appx. FOUR MONTHS.

i'm in one of my "hate people" moods right now. i can count my friends on the thumbs you find on one hand--a normal hand--my hand. that means one thumb. and now the love of my life is to be separated from me for several months? i don't understand! where is Fairness? where in the hell is she? she is supposed to shine on all of us equally, isn't she? yeah, right.

hm... i seriously need to be cheered up, or to drink some alcohol. both.

pointless update.

because i like the way a bunch of text looks in these transparent entry boxes and i like even more to write--type. whatever.

watched that My Chemical Romance video "Helena." reminds me of the old Misfits song of the same name to which the newer band's song can't compare, in my opinion. no one can compare to the Misfits! i need to stop watching Fuse and save my opinions for things that matter.

found myself in the same boat as xtina last night. i was voraciously hungry and made antonio buy me McDonald's. ate it all very fast. at about five in the morning i was waken with horrible stomach cramps; i thought i would vomit. had to swallow some horrible generic bismuth liquid. i had to reassure myself that it wasn't morning sickness that i was suffering from, but my own appetite. went back to sleep.

this new LJ layout has whooped my ass. took several hours because i make so many mistakes in coding and am a perfectionist.

i can't get a comb through my hair anymore. ugh... i wanna dye it blonde. it would all fall out, then, though. oh well. what's new? i like wigs, anyway.

tra la la la lally...
[music fades]

pretty new house.

i like it... the architecture is stylish. it's ages older than the old house, but not in a completely pleasant way, and to be totally honest, i like the inside of the old house better, but this is home now. but, it's easier to find [right off of McDowell road] and the deck is huge; so, that means lots of parties.





moved in, nice and all. Antonio helped--that boy works like a Mexican. i love him.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY XTINA? i hope it's not what i think it is.

clarifying.

this is to be the standing post in place of several short, rambling, and idiotic posts that i have made recently. it's hard to refrain from writing and typing like that when those three words, themselves, describe everything about as of late.

i digress.

i have no reason to believe that i am pregnant [this is more to soothe my own thoughts in times of stress than to inform anyone else who may be reading, that i may read that what i have just typed and have peace]. my tummy is not expanding; and even if it is, its size is simply the cause of my own overeating and laziness over the summer. YOU DON"T GET ROUND WITH PREGNANCY AFTER FIVE DAYS OF THE CONCEPTION. i used protection and discussed the condom that was used with my boyfriend, about it being all there and not breaking. it did not break. nothing leaked from it. worries of pregnancy have just been haunting me like they have because i have an idle mind and antonio has not been here with me.

all of that has changed, he's here for a two-week break. the only reason that i am not with him at the moment is because stressing over my body incessantly meant telling an adult of my concern. in other words, my mother is not too happy about me losing it to antonio.

life has not been great for her since, or for anyone in the Smith household, these days. all my fault, i know. i'll get through it [with no baby!] she's disappointed and i am hurt myself that i disappointed her. she trusted me so much. my poor mother didn't deserve that, but i'm glad that i told her: when health is on the line, one should be smart, despite any consequences. she has no choice but to accept me; i'm the baby, gotta love me! she's fine now. she doesn't show any signs of hating me.

i have been tired over the past two days. i blame that on my waking up early today and laziness yesterday, although it seems a little suspicious. my uncle asked me if i was pregnant [in jest, i think], but i couldn't stop thinking about it.

i need everyone's prayers.