clarifying.

this is to be the standing post in place of several short, rambling, and idiotic posts that i have made recently. it's hard to refrain from writing and typing like that when those three words, themselves, describe everything about as of late.

i digress.

i have no reason to believe that i am pregnant [this is more to soothe my own thoughts in times of stress than to inform anyone else who may be reading, that i may read that what i have just typed and have peace]. my tummy is not expanding; and even if it is, its size is simply the cause of my own overeating and laziness over the summer. YOU DON"T GET ROUND WITH PREGNANCY AFTER FIVE DAYS OF THE CONCEPTION. i used protection and discussed the condom that was used with my boyfriend, about it being all there and not breaking. it did not break. nothing leaked from it. worries of pregnancy have just been haunting me like they have because i have an idle mind and antonio has not been here with me.

all of that has changed, he's here for a two-week break. the only reason that i am not with him at the moment is because stressing over my body incessantly meant telling an adult of my concern. in other words, my mother is not too happy about me losing it to antonio.

life has not been great for her since, or for anyone in the Smith household, these days. all my fault, i know. i'll get through it [with no baby!] she's disappointed and i am hurt myself that i disappointed her. she trusted me so much. my poor mother didn't deserve that, but i'm glad that i told her: when health is on the line, one should be smart, despite any consequences. she has no choice but to accept me; i'm the baby, gotta love me! she's fine now. she doesn't show any signs of hating me.

i have been tired over the past two days. i blame that on my waking up early today and laziness yesterday, although it seems a little suspicious. my uncle asked me if i was pregnant [in jest, i think], but i couldn't stop thinking about it.

i need everyone's prayers.