overwhelmed and more alone.

i'm trying to drown out the drama of this episode of sex and the city while i muse on why i feel so damned morose right now. i should feel rather good: i'm actually studying and have a decent chance on this chemistry exam, i just cleaned my dorm suite and got a litltle organization going on here, i have freshly relaxed hair and a full sew in weave that cost me nothing, i'm not pregnant or anything like that, i had Asian food earlier this week..

but also: i'm being harassed by people that make me feel like i am in a creepy Lifetime movie involving a stalker/killer. i have too much to do and not enough time or resources to get it done comfortably. i actually have to take a chemistry test tomorrow!

seriously, though. i could easily slip in and out of control over myself right now, which is dumb, because momma always says that I am the only one in control over myself.. i honestly just feel so close to cracking or submitting that i can literally see what it would look like for me. the stress is taking a toll on my mind. i'm letting myself be tortured and am not doing a damned thing to reduce my stress. this does not yield a simple equation.

A + B = C

it's not quite so simple. consider a quantum physics monster here instead.

i called my mother. i tend to do that when i'm lost--either for her insight, or just so someone hears me complain and i feel better. well, neither occurred for me. she's all jacked up on her scripts, thus can't really stay awake now, especially to have a conversation with me. so, her big considerate and selfless daughter [me, you dumbass] said simply to her that "i can do it. you can just go to sleep now. you don't have to talk to me." i'm sure it fell beautifully on Momma's ears, that she felt that she could rest guilt free. good for her.

now i feel like i'm being an adult [which is becoming increasingly synonymous to 'jilted'] but maybe just a slight bit alone, betrayed even? i just really can't depend on anyone for everything in this life, even if i really need something. i can always be let down. i can always be hurt.

i'm about to finish studying and i'll try to remember that i can always survive what doesn't kill me and feel a little proud of myself.

perhaps it's because i have a full stomach, or made out with a very hot old man, or am at some place very comfortably situated in between, but i feel the need to make a promising blog post. i've been undoubtedly struggling with loving myself in the ares that it counts; i mean, that's an ongoing battle for me. all it takes is an episode of Sex and the City [which i'm watching right now and do i remind you of carrie?] or an old picture from my facebook that keeps shining its link on every page that i gaze at to send me to some dark unhappy place comparable to my armpits after a frat party or three.

but i haven't been there all day today, thank goodness or would have likely "done surgery to my arm" there are so many other things to go that route for, which i don't condone, by the way.

so what am i trying to say, precisely? i'm not sure. i'm being distracted by carrie and aiden's romance which gives me hope for another one of my own. poo, the show is going off so, now i have to finish. my mind is just being sublimed right now and i don't mean by the band, although that would be nice. i don't have my "Jay." i probably never will again. larry failed at the simplest of things which made the biggest difference regarding my happiness. he'll be happy with another girl, no problem. Jay's gonna make some girl awfully happy before he dies in combat, which i hope never happens. i'm going to be happy again with some great guy. that's probably whi it's taking so long, because there is no way i'm settling for something mediocre and only the most phenomenal of men will do for me. that's just fine by me. if i have to wait in order to really be happy, i mean: no pot heads, no half-assed, not the dispasisonate, someone strong.. then i don't have a problem.

in the meantime, i'll be loving myself and masturbating when necessary.

old email survey.

look what i've dug up from GMail:

1/1/05
Welcome to the new edition of getting to know your
friends. Okay,here's what you're supposed to do, and try not
to be lame and spoil the fun. Just copy (not forward) this
entire e-mail and paste into a new e-mail that
you can send. Change all of the answers so that they
apply to you. Then send this to a whole bunch of people you
know, INCLUDING the person who sent it to you.




1. What is your full name – Cheniece Shonte' Smith Walker

2. What color pants are you wearing? - what color are lowrise tommy jeans?

3. What are you listening to right now? – Amber IM'ing me

4. What's the last thing you ate? – iono... it's gotten me sick though.

5. Do you wish on stars? - yeah. i don't know why.

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? – hooker pink for my
fake fronting side that everyone loves [to hate] and an ocean blue for
the side of my self that i expose to true friends

7. How is the weather right now? - dreary


8. Last person you talked to on the phone? - Larry W.

9. Do you like the person who sent you this? I luff amba.

10. How are you today? - nervous.

11. Favorite drink? – anything that burns my throat.

13. Favorite sport? - sex

14. Hair color? – i don't know anymore.

15. Eye color? - what color are most black people's eyes?!

16. Do you wear contacts? why?

17. Siblings? two bros.

18. Favorite months? - OCTOBER!!!!!!!

19. Favorite food? – food is the Devil! / Larry

20. Last movie you watched? - 'The Last Samurai' Woo, Tom Cruise!

21. Favorite day of the year? - October 31st.

22. What do you do to vent anger? – write.

23. What was your favorite toy as a child? – pens and paper


24. Summer or Winter? – winter because it is so pretty. it looks like
the world is asleep.

25. Hugs or Kisses? – hugs cuz i can hug both males and chicks.

26. Chocolate or Vanilla? – vanilla; it's so classic.

27. Do you want your friends to write/ e-mail back? no duh.
28. Who is most likely to respond? –Chris, Amber, JP
29. Who is least likely to respond? – iono and who cares.

30. Living arrangements? – live with my mom, bros, two cats, sometimes
my dad, and always the voices in my head. they're cool, though.

31. When was the last time you cried? 'bout a week ago.

32. What is under your bed? – monsters! notes from Chris, poems, misc.
writings, A BOMB!

33. Who is the friend you have had the longest? - Amber and Jessica Armstrong

34. What did you do last night?- talk to Larry until i fell asleep.


35. Favorite smells? LARRY!

36. What inspires you? - everything

37. What scares you? – things changing and moving out of my control

38. Plain, Buttered or Salted Popcorn? - buttered

39. Favorite car? – MUSTANGS

40. Favorite flower? Red Roses.
41. Number of keys on your key ring? one

42. Can you juggle? - wish i could

43. Favorite day of the week? - Sat.

44. What did you do on your last birthday? - i can't remember; prolly nothing.

45. Do you own a donor card? No.

46.Who are the people u most admire? Brierly, my mother.

47. Who are one of your crushes/how many? 1; Larry
48. If u had to decribe yourself in four words what would it be?
sophisticated, classic, artsy, eccentric
49. What are one of your wishes? to be a world famous writer/poet
living in France w/ my husband
50. Explain why you love 3 of your friends. Let me copy and paste
this out of my LJ. It's kinda old, though:

Amber-i may joke about you all of the time, but only because i love
you. i've known you for so long [way longer than mostly anyone else],
and we've [more or less] been best buds since day one, LITTERALLY. how
cool is that? stay your odd self. don't gain any weight, no matter
what anyone says. two digit weight measurements rock.

Jessica-we are total opposites. you are this 'it' girl whose name is
at the tip of everyone's tongue. i'm a slighty unknown 'weird' girl
that EVERYONE loves to hate for no reason. i don't know how we became
friends, but i love you and your questionable ways. i'd do [and
probably have done] most anything to keep you as a friend.

Xtina-i don't know how we became such good friends, girl, but i sure
am glad. it must be the stupid boys in our lives, hunh? i love you,
too, and i still wanna meet this james fellow. don't change. don't say
brandon's name again, or i will kill you and him. i hope we are able
to learn more about each other and are able to call each other a
'best' friend.


THE END!!!

--
"I can't help being a gorgeous fiend. It's just the card I drew."
--Lestat de Lioncourt

isn't that just cute? i was such the character when i was younger. weird makeup, weird head. cute face... i can't figure it out right now, but everything's going to be okay.

i hate this holiday this year, but..

he misses us a little but felt it necessary and tactful to say [and reiterate] that he is having way more fun where he is. Valentine's day is gonna suck. fuck him and his shadiness deal. fuck the pretty green eyes that make you smile even when he's so high and doesn't even know that he's looking at you. fuck the pretty mouth that's always so pleasant to kiss. the hands that felt familiar holding mine, i could catalogue for paragraphs on this gorgeous specimen of man. it would just make me bitter and cut into more study time and frankly--he's not worth it.

yeah i'm choosing plant anatomy over Adonis.

and i'll do it again, too on the 13th. see if i give a shit. oh, damn. i actually CAN'T give a shit. i have lab till 6. he's not ruining my Valentine's day like daddy has perpetually done for my poor mother. i'll let simply being single be the only thing to possibly get me down. that is, until i remember how much of a better place i really am in. no undeserving ones draining my sense of self.

so yeah. i'm going to be awake right up until i have to meet with my investigator. i hope that the Trashy Ones lives are ruined just like i want. for people with such fragile stances, you think that they would compensate in brains. oh well for that.

ugh, can't sleep. watched Fight Club today with my gay-ass buddy which is ironic because he noted how underlyingly homosexual the movie was in its tones. i explained and he was like 'oh.'

i KNOW that things are looking up and i can't wait to start feeling like they are.

emo musings and chem.

been thinking about marriage and hooking up alot lately. going to make someone a phenomenal little wife. not a little "wifee" with the undertones of immaturity and silliness. i want to be a whole woman with a broad, fulfilling life with a whole husband who has his own broad, fulfilling life. together we'll be two strong individuals who mesh in the way that Jesus' blood did with our sins.

on a lighter note, had a sex dream about my chemistry professor in my fever sleep from the flu, which is funny because i have been largely skipping his class due to sickness [and police]. it was nice, i'll tell you. i never knew that i could be so good on top, in chair. haha, Juno is such a good movie!

i'm feeling a bit emo right now. finally found the gumption to send the the little pale ex my letter which was a cross between a photographic suicide note and a sonnet. he hasn't signed on to Myspace since the 28th [don't ask how i know], so maybe he'll be reading what i most intimately felt for him very soon. maybe he will be scared off. maybe he won't be scared off, propose, knock me up a few times, totally let me down like momma says that most all people will do and that the Bible warns to trust none, die in combat in Iraq or get exploded by a grenade into a barren place--and up sprouts the mandragora!

but in all honesty, i never needed him. i still don't.

and i don't want this wonderful specimen of a soul of mine to go to waste by spending another evening posting about her Stoic heart..

voila.