this doesn't feel very good.

it is officially hard out here for a girl going through a sixth move in four years and a transition to college, a breakup, etc.

i found myself yesterday not moving and not eating--and i love to eat! i have been having trouble sleeping recently [nightmares]. nothing feels really pleasant.

larry and i are at the gallows. he's already been staying over people's apartments and exhibiting other trashy behaviour. what am i supposed to do? he won't answer any of my calls and txts... just let it die, i say; it's happening.

did i mention that none of this feels very good?

i'm missing that completion that comes with a spotless childhood where a daddy calls his girl baby and can't hide is pride in her. i just wanted him to come to my graduation, perhaps, or just one of my many dance concerts. it would be so simple to blame my vices on the structure of my family, but that'd also be weak.

i didn't ever light up a cigarette because i was thinking about daddy.
i didn't ever cling to worthless men, because daddy wasn't there.
anytime that i come up short is not daddy's irresponsibly depressing me.

in fact, the reason that i am so depressed right now is because life's nature tends to force urges of giving up onto one. i'm not giving up, though. the sad truth is that i am so strong: i don't need my father to... whatever.

i miss my literature class.

this makes me smile:i miss my literature class.

i'm so grown up.

i've shed the dead weight. i cried a little--then i pressed my hair into glossy gloriousness. i've locked him out of my facebook account and took him off of my friends' list, so ha! it's REALLY over! i'm so grown up...

decent penis.

i'm just being naughty right now and remembering the sex that emmett and i had last week. i was still VERY MUCH involved with larry and had even wanted to take him to the family reunion, but hey--larry wasn't screwing me at the time and emmett is decent penis.

i blame emmett, though. he's way more of a horrible person. the time before last, when i was actually feeling a little guilty, he fuzzy-cuffed and blindfolded me! that made for some really nice sex! he even burned my ass with some hot candle waz... boy-oh-boy. if i'm gonna cheat, i'm gonna do it in style and have a hell of a lot of fun, bitches!

scotty larry doesn't know, larry doesn't know! fuck that, though; i'm just grown enough to do what i want to and young enough to not giveafuck. i'm not married, not even engaged!

bootleg-ass posers who dream of being real men.

this is going to be rushed, angry, and full of typos and vulgarities as HELL:

---

Dumbass just left here because he couldn't stand hearing the truth:
he is broke and i'm no gold-digger. but if it NEVER sits well with a man to take care of you and he has a damned excuse everytime that it comes to money and going out of his way to see you, then it just won't work. i don't wanna be that girl who always asks for cash and demands the most expensive life that the world can give her. if larry is as down-in-the-hole broke as he says that he is all of the time, then God bless him. i just hate not being able to eat when i want to and what i want to. it's fucking food! i just want some damned subway! i just want a little damned respect because i know my worth!
we went to the movies yesterday and i drive my poor mother's raged car way out of its way to his house wasting gas money. at the theatre, he claims that he didn't know that he was paying for my ticket. we went to waffle house, instead, and he didn't even want to pay for my meal! it was a three dollar waffle! this happens all of the time! larry expects to do nothing for me and to convert me into some dirty-looking hag with a head full of twists and a knit cap in jamaica's colors while he plays bass guitar and poses at the club with people who know where to draw the line at being a fucking hippie. i bet that they know how to treat their wives.
God, it makes me happy to look at him, but look what i am subjecting myself to! he is a bootleg-ass version of his brother-in-law. larry will never grow up and become a man. he has sorry ways that are 100 times worse than his not ever having any money.
today after my doctor visit, larry didn't call to see of my cyst was cancerous, or not. the fact is, people do what they want to do; the fact is that he didn't giveafuck. larry didn't call me all day and shows up at my house unexpected around bedtime. "what the hell is that good for? it's too late to go anywhere! you ain't got any money to treat me!" he just wanted to stare up in my face and make sure that i'm not sniffing up someone else's ass. his excuse was that he wasn't at home to call me and when he did have transportation he went to play basketball. FUCK THAT. so he wasn't at home and chose not to come by my house earlier! that's even worse! i'm going to stop being at home, too. he can call all he wants to, but i will be conveniently away. his sweaty chest isn't going to hypnotize me anymore! even love can only dazzle my eyes for so long!
fuck larry! fuck bootleg-ass posers who dream of being real men!

i need a real man who can let go of his weightless hippie ways and complement me. i need to live a more broad life and find some wonderful man living his own broad life. i need someone who can buy me food whenever i am hungry. i need someone who knows that he is supposed to pay for movie tickets and always volunteers to do so anyway. i need someone who does more than lounge at a poetry club posing and networking girls who are the opposite of his girlfriend. i just need a new boyfriend!
nobody gives a damn about the stupid poetry club. there is more to life than trying to assimilate into some "scene" and trying to get your girlfriend to let her hair grow naturally and twist it. fuck neosoul! fuck posers. fuck wannabe-ass-men who can't grow the fuck up!

no moral this time.

i had the option to get really down in the dumps yesterday. i found myself straining a smile like i was back at hooters waiting on some fourty-year-old racist drunk man. when you muse over one bad aspect in your day, it's so easy to let your mind wander to the other not-so-great things:

i have no money or things of my own..
we are moving for the sixth time in four years
momma doesn't have a job and pays all of the bills
daddy is broke deadbeat
daddy is also a deadbeat because of his presence in the house and absence in my life...
see? and it takes a conscious effort to revert those thoughts, so i don't think that i'm weak by saying that it's hard to happy right now. i doesn't help that i have been skipping dosages of my antidepressant, i know, but yesterday sucked. i mean, i was going to donate some body fluid for fifty dollars [plasma center anyone?]! i don't have this option now because i gyno visit on my prior appointment. it broke my heart... seriously: the fact that i was so broke as to do something desperate and the bad news that i can't do it anymore.
what does this mean? is there money coming from somewhere else?
well, let me just tell you that i have the greatest guy in the world. he came to my house covered in motor oil because he fixed his mother's car just to see me :) i told him about my bad times and i'm suck a baby because i almost cried. he made me feel better and asked me if i needed to talk some more; i said no.
well after i was uplifted he started kissing my neck and i couldn't enjoy it because i wasn't in the greatest mood, you know? i told him to stop like three times. eventually i just let him and lo and behold, we had sex right outside of my house [in his mother's van]. how trashy is that? so much for me not being in the mood!
now if you've never had car sex, know that it is difficult. there was no space and no air. i could smell us and it was the horrible musty sex smell. i fished a condom out of my purse, sat on his lap, and got it over with before someone came outside. it was nice and wet. he really needs to get his folks out of the house for a weekend, though...
yeah, the sex did wonders for my depression. i need it in prescription form.
what am i trying to prove with this post? what is the deep-lying fact or moral?
there absolutely isn't one!

i can feel a pulling at my uterus. i like to think that i know my uterus more intimately than other women know their own, that i can feel egg cells moving along my fallopian tubes during ovulation and its expulsion out of my vagina.
i wish that the television wasn't so loud, but not badly enough to get up and turn it off.
i feel rather torn at this hour--and not just between two poles like the earth.
i'm leaving my home in weeks, which means that i won't be able to see my mother or my brothers when i wake up. i will be separated from the love of my life, no matter how cheesy it sounds. it's fucking true. i'll have to attach myself to other people and i feel disrespectful for even thinking so! i just wanna suspend time. i wish, i wish, i wish this would all be easier RIGHT NOW!

i'm a mobile.

i was thinking of avril lavigne's song, "Mobile," only fleetingly because i'm embarrassed to reveal that i ever owned that album and i've never used that word, mobile, in such context.

momma cried today that the perpetual house guest-almost brother/son left for his real home in Florida. if she cries for a boy that she has only known for a few months, what am i to do about leaving the man that i have been in love with for years? time is running out fast to do whatever it is that i decide to do, whether it be crying or cheating on him with other guys to dull this increasing loneliness that is coming too soon.

the gallows of time.

out of a loss for a next step, sex with the ex seemed like no vice. i'm going to college. my actual boyfriend is unworthy. i'm sad any my antidepressants aren't enough of an answer at the time. i have a pursefull of old condoms and bad memories. who knows what else i am going to do with this gallows of time that i have left with myself. right now i'm just going to masturbate myself into some orgasm that i never had and wake up with some ill intentions.

questions and long puzzles.

i really don't know what i'm doing. i can't even make it look good. i just wish all of this were a bit more simple to figure out, a little easier.