why do people do that?

i have spent the bulk of my day--i'm talking serious hours here--on facebook. now, while there are a buttload of nonsensical venues for entertainment at this particular site within my own networks, i found myself attracted at doing the negative thing. i indulged myself in looking at old prom photos, photos of the time when i was with someone, when i was happy, when i wasn't leaving home in a week. photo after photo i gazed at remembering the old feelings that i had and more importantly, the feelings that i don't have now. why am i so attracted to causing myself this unnecessary pain? am i not hurt enough already? is there some secret catharsis that my greater self doesn't know about that is bound to happen? i'm clueless and in ill spirits.

the fact is that i don't want to be forced to be alone. i don't want to be pushed into other people who are just going to use me and make me uncomfortable. i can't/won't trust any of them. i'm too jaded to find any real relationships, no matter where i go, and i'm frankly just scared of the change.

right now, i'm just telling myself to get by because it's what i really need to do. i'm being a Stoic, bearing all of this weight with no sight into the future, or even a friend to talk to. i find myself sighing in desperation that the next breath will bring me some sort of clarity.

it never does.