spiritual/chemical high.

i really regret the two failed attempts at moblogging i had to delete from my database of posts. i've been feeling really spiritual lately, because everything else is failing me.

at midnight was the first time in about 20 years that i haven't been with daddy to celebrate the New Year. his joy in life was to light up a Black Cat or two and toss them st my brothers and me to explode in our ears and on our shoes right up until last year when clearly all of us are adults now. damnit. momma said it was depressing and liberating all at the same time. i was so stoned from a lorcet pill i took for menstrual cramps that i said "LIFE is depressing and liberating at the same time! LIFE makes you happy and sad at the same time!"

maybe i was on to something?

rewind to me in church at midnight completely stoned for the second time, wishing i could hop up into the pulpit. i was shouting Alleluia! in my head and my pupils were dilated with droopy lids.. i was so happy to brought into a new year from all that i have been associated with in the past. REALLY. if i think about it, i can get lost in such deep thought. i have been brought a looooong way.

such a long way that i need not look back and be excited to the new heights that i'm going to accomplish. such a long way that i need to surrender more to the liberating side of this change, right? yeah.

today has been spent so far with me being too busy to care if someone calls or not :)
i'm on a spiritual and chemical high and you should be jealous! goal next: the peace that passes understanding.